Thursday, May 5, 2011

Random Trip Notes

So, like I mentioned in yesterday's post, I had my smarter than me phone on the trip.  Normally, on long drives, I like to read a book to keep me amused.  That was before I was a blog Overlordess. Now I always look for things to keep you people sick is that??

So here you are...random thoughts and snippets of conversations between the husband him and I on the trip down and the trip back.  Enjoy!  =)

Notes From Saturday 5/23/11

8am  *shuffle, head scratch, shuffle*  WTF...really?

9:40am to 11:18am  *yawn*

11:18am  Husband Him:  Isn't this fun? 
                Me:  Thrilled to bits.

11:45am Oh thankfulness...Joplin!  I have to pee so bad I could make a racehorse look like a trickle.
               Husband Him:  Good thing you weren't putting the gas in.  There was a wasp nest inside the gas tank door.
               Me:  Awesome.

11:52am  Husband Him:  Welcome to Oklahoma! 
                Me: Woo!  *draws air circle around face* This is my happy face.

12:17pm  Driving through Cherokee territory, and I just saw billboard for a "topless bodyshop"...hmmm!

12:52pm  Dear dude going to the McDonald's on the tollway overpass,  Take the stairs up to get your anus burger. Really!

1:15pm  Note to self...obsessing over the odometer numbers doesn't make the truck go faster.  Dammit!  *bangs head on dashboard*

1:18pm  Brilliant!  We just passed 2 cattle trucks. Fresh air is so invigorating.  *gag*

1:55pm  Just passed through Tulsa.  Sadly, all I have to mark the occasion is a sore ass from the drive.  Thanks, Tulsa, for the memories.

2:25pm  Ahhhh..Oklahoma, you tempt me with signs of a rest area but you hold it hostage behind my $4 in change.  Fucking toll roads!

3:04pm  I can't help but think it's not good radio business to have a DJ that sounds like a weasel (the animal...not of the political variety).

3:30 pm  I'd say I'm in the midst of a good ass massage, but the shit southern Oklahoma roads are only causing major ass numbage.  Way to go Oklahoma!  Ruin the only potentially good aspect if this never ending drive.....bastards.

3:48pm  Oklahoma is so much like my childhood home in so many ways.  Shit roads, constant road construction, and the occasional terroristic style assault if pig shit when you least expect it.

4:15pm  Help!!!!  My radio is apparently stuck in the 80's!  Someone please shut Debbie Gibson the fuck up....ahhhhhhrrgh!  No!  Make it stop! My ears!  They're bleeding!  Help!  Someone??!!

4:30pm  DJs should never do long audio bullshit that no one is going to listen to while doing a really shitty impression that is a combination between Darth Vader and Barry White.  Especially white DJs.  Creepy!

6:00pm  Well, Oklahoma provided me with an amazing lack of sufficient scenery which effectively lulled me into a coma.   

6:11pm  Ahhhh...North Texas.  You must have felt that Oklahoma did a poor amputation on the feeling in my ass.  Thanks for finishing off the job.  Now, please improve the scenery.  If you don't, and I see another fucking cow I just might jump out of the truck window.  Oh look!  Sheep!

6:22pm  Really Mother Nature?  You couldn't let me have a few days without you throwing a fucked up pissy fit?  You have to throw down some tornadoes somewhere in my vacinity here too??  I love you loads but you can be a real bitch!

7:10pm  Husband Him: We're going the right direction anyway.  I think.
              Me:  Not instilling a lot of confidence.

7:30pm  Ahhhh!  Time for food and to shake some feeling into my butt.  Look out truckers!  You're in for a show.  Dammit Texas!  Did you really need to spit rain in my eye?  The show wasn't that bad!  Not pretty!  But not bad!!

Notes From Sunday 5/24/11

1:14pm  Is it normal in Texas to see a woman in her Easter Sunday finest walking thru a parking lot with a goat??

2:52pm  Ok, finally!  Texas hill country is much better than the flat land, but people out here can't pass cars without making everyone else in the other lane dive for the shoulder.  I blame the methane gas.

Notes From Wednesday 5/27/11

10:45am  *happy dance*  We're headed back home!!  However, after seeing news reports from home, we maybe have to figure out a way to make the truck float.  Unfortunately that might require math, physics, engineering and/or geometry.  In which case I am so fucked.

11:22am  I wonder if there is a way to teleport us through Oklahoma to save my ass and what little is left of my particular brand of sanity. DAMMIT!!  That will probably *also* require those fucking math skills.  *shakes fist at universe* 

12:31pm  Husband Him: Hungry yet? 
                Me: Nah I can wait some.

1:15pm  Husband Him:  Wanna look for a place to eat? 
              Me: Nah. What about you?
              Husband Him:  Nah. I'm good.

1:45pm *drive into little podunk town*
              Husband Him: Wanna find someplace to eat? 
              Me: *looking out window*  Uhhhhh....where?

2:15pm  *drive into podunk town # 3,941*
              Husband Him:  Wanna look for a place to eat? 
              Me: No, but my bladder has hit tilt let's stop for gas.

2:30pm  Husband Him:  We're in a bigger town there will be place to eat here if you are interested.
              Me: Fine.  Let's eat so you'll shut up about it.
              *pull up to stop light* 
              Husband Him: Which way do you think should I go?
              *flips on left turn signal*
              Me: I'd go straight.
              Husband Him:  *follows through on left hand turn*
              Me: Really???

3:39pm  Hmmmm.  We just drove past a vacant commercial building.  The old business name "Beer 30 Drive Through" and it had 2 car wash style bays attached to the building.  Oddly efficient, and only a tad creepy.

4:32pm  Husband Him: Geez, people, speed it up!
              Me: Quit griping.  You said we were going to take our time getting back and relax.
              Husband Him: But this is like driving backwards.
              Me:  No.  Driving backwards is like driving backwards
              Husband Him: That"s true. But this is almost like that.
              Me:  Yeah...not so much.

7:59pm  Just saw a sign for an open air market with a sign that listed all the fresh goods you could get.  Among them multiple fruits, veggies AND jelly beans!  Who knew that jelly beans were grown in southeastern Oklahoma??? 

8:43pm  Found our hotel for the night, and stopped to eat at a Chili's.  The waitress introduced herself as Super Star. Ooooo-k.

9:15pm  Turns out Super Star was neither super nor a star, and Chili's sucked too.

11:28pm  Awesome!  Perfect topper to a very long week!  Leaving hotel room to go out front for a smoke and the next door neighbor opens his door wide, stumbles his way through and says "Would you guys like to come in and have a drink?"  At least that's what I think he said.  I was afflicted with a sudden fume contact drunk off him, the smell in the room, or both.  The husband him had to help me to elevator.

Notes From Thursday  5/28/11

9:38am  There is only one work truck left in the hotel parking lot.  Can't help but wonder if it's the truck for the guy I got the contact hangover from last night.

12:27pm  We just crossed Flat Rock Creek.  Oddly it looked more like Flat Rock Lake.  So either eastern Oklahoma received some rain recently or they don't know the difference between a creek and a lake.

1:35pm  Just saw a billboard that said "Reptiles have more fun.  Come party like a turtle"  Reeeeaaaally?  Like a turtle?  At my age, I could maybe still get my groove on at a party that speed!  There's hope yet!

2:59pm  About every 10 feet there's a billboard letting the truckers know they have rocks off rest stops.  Makes driving into Missouri kinda like driving into Las Vegas.  Except without the sand, skin melting sun, and people saluting me as they drive.

4:59pm  Husband Him:  So how would you like to see the Indianapolis 500?
             *already angling to get me to go on another business trip* 
             Me:  No.
             Husband Him:  You could get a chance to meet Jeff Gordon.
             Me:  What?!  It's not even  the same car race.  Indianapolis is Indy cars.  Jeff Gordon runs stock car.  Nascar.  What the hell kind of redneck are you anyway!?

    Final Facebook Status...

OMG....we're almost home! I think my ass just fainted with relief!

And that, my loverlies, is the last of my business trip punishment.  Hope you had some fun, had some laughs, and all that jazz at my expense somewhere along the way.  Don't forget!  One last thing from the trip and that's my Friday Moment for tomorrow!

Shit!  It's good to be back home!!

Jewell  =)  xo


Momma Fargo said...

LOL. I am just glad to be home, too. That was a long trip through nowhere.

Loved it.

Cheryl said...

Here's hoping your butt has revived. As you posted your travel progress, I was following your route. In TX I owned a training company that required me to drive from Dallas to St. Louis, to Kansas City to Dallas, almost every week for 5 years. While I am fairly familiar with a lot of highways my vehicle has a close friendship with Interstates 35, 40 and 44.(also with 10, 20, 57, 55, 70, 80 and 95) I think the next time your invited on a road trip, you need to come up with a reason to be unavailable. (well, unless it takes you down 95 in the middle of winter)

Jewell said...

LOL Momma...yeah...I'm pretty sure that everyone is now officially happy that I am home so that they don't have to listen to this crap anymore! =) Glad you enjoyed my trip =)

Cheryl...Yeah...I think the butt has recovered though I'd swear I can hear it grumble viciously every time I get anywhere close to my truck. =) And for the record...we avoided 35 like the plague. Well if you don't count having to get on it for one exit on the way back home! =)

hansi said...

One of the best things about traveling is the appreciation ya have for being home. Sounds like a good trip, all things considered.

Jewell said...

Hansi...there is no truer statement! More than once I remember thinking, "I really do love my boring, quiet, little life!" =) Overall, the trip really wasn't that bad...I suppose. =)

Doug Stephens said...

You talk about your ass a lot...

Jewell said...

HA! Well, when you start the trip with one and then it progressively goes from numb to sore to seemingly non-existent, AND the scenery is as good as non-existent, you would too! I'm positive of it! =)

Dave said...

Don't be dissing my Debbie Gibson!!!!

I was in love.

Well, back in the 80s, anyway.

Sounds like a horrible trip. Glad you made it back ok (and semi-sane). The wife and I usually make an annual 3-day drive home to see my folks (and 3-day drive back, of course).

The last two years, though, we've flown. That's probably a good thing.

Jewell said...

Dave...Blogger just hacked up your comment like a moldy hairball! Apparently they are working on giving back all of my comments that they lost when they broke the system. =)

Debbie Gibson is so 80's...hearing her songs now makes my ears bleed! =) lol