Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Picture That Never Was

As many of you already know, my mom died of cancer on my wedding anniversary, May 22nd, 2007.  There wasn't any warning to what we were about to encounter after their last visit to our house during Thanksgiving 2006.

I covered this some in my letter that I wrote to my mom and submitted to Lisa (a.k.a. The Widow Lady) back in March when she had a month of postings by her readers of letters to their loved ones that had crossed over.  I didn't really know if she would, could, or wanted to use it, but I made it available to her anyway.  For whatever reason, this year mom's birthday (March 22nd) was particularly hard for me to cope with, and in order for me to get through it there was no choice, but for me to write it all out of my head.

If you didn't get a chance to read it, please feel free.  You can find the post here.  However, I will warn you, I was told that it made people cry, so if you are sappy, like me, feel free to arm yourself with Kleenex before you click the link.

That, aside, in the letter I discussed that one of the things that I regretted most about the family pictures that were taken during Thanksgiving 2006 was that none of us thought to have mom and I sit for a picture of the 2 of us together.  After she died, I was consumed with a need to have a good picture of just mom and I.  I scoured every single picture that came in front of me.  I didn't want the ones from when I was a kid.  I didn't want the ones where they had come to visit us in Las Vegas and she and I were standing out in gale force desert winds.  I wanted a good picture.  This is the only picture that I could find after searching, literally, through hundreds of pictures.

This was taken in 1996 when I graduated college and moved into my first apartment.  It was the best one I could find, and it suddenly became the most important picture (next to wedding pictures) that I owned.

This one picture satisfied something in me that was missing.

This year our anniversary was coming up, and both of us kept asking the other "What do you want for our anniversary."  Neither of us had a clue.  We are the type that if we want or need something we just get it, so that doesn't leave much on our wish lists when special occasions come around.  Well this year, apparently, the husband him had an epiphany.  He kept saying that I was going to love my anniversary present, but that he didn't know which size I would want.  Well, I don't either.  I don't know what it is.  So he kept taunting me, or trying to, with the fact that I was going to loooooooooooooove this present.  Ok.  Whatever.   Tell me what it is or shut the fuck up about it already!   Damn!

Of course, in the midst of this self imposed insanity we had to work, and the husband him needs business cards.  I went to the online source that I used for his last batch and looked at the various designs that they had.  I picked a few to show him.  Nothing.  Crickets.  I couldn't get him to commit on anything that I picked out.  *insert irritated huff here*

One day, on the way to lunch in a neighboring town, he brought up the idea that real estate agents and the like have their portraits on their business cards.  Ok.  Yeah?  He suggested that we go to the photographer that had done our family portraits to see what it would cost.  Weird, but whatever.

So, in we go, and the photographer was in front.  The photographer said something, and the husband him said something in return that I was going to correct him on.  I thought he had misheard what the photographer had said.  The photographer agrees, and goes in back.  The husband him only says 4 words, "you and your mom".  Then it hit me, the dim lightbulb that I am.  The whole business card thing was a rouse, and he was going to make me do the REALLY fucking ugly cry in public.

I immediately started tearing up, but I tried to suck it back on the off chance that what I "thought" was going to happen wasn't really what was happening.

The photographer came out with one of those little 8x10 cardboard folders that pictures are slid into.  He opened it up and handed this to me....

I. Fucking. Lost. It.  There in front of me was my mom and I.  As if we had sat together for a picture back in 2006.

Still typing this and seeing the picture makes me bawl like a baby.  I hate crying, but that day it was a full on splotchy apple red face, eye puffing, full on river of snot, butt ass fucking ugly cry.  I was so overwhelmed that there was no stopping me from the bawling.  From hugging the husband him.  Even hugging the photographer.

There were no words, and there still aren't.  There's nothing that can come close to what it means to have that picture.  Even though it's not "real".  There's no words that could mean enough to say thank you to either of them.  From that day forward, there never can be a present that means more than this one.

My husband is frequently "jealous" because I'm always getting awards on my blog, and he's always teasing me about my "popularity".  While he doesn't blog, he deserves an award of his own.  It was a class move.  Not to mention the most heartfelt gift he could have, and probably ever will, give me.

I love you honey.  I hope this award works for you.

Back to the funny tomorrow!

Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, May 30, 2011

Maybe I'm getting told, but....

Ok...so maybe I'm getting old.  And maybe my bones creak a little more than I admit out loud.  And maybe my memory doesn't work quite the way it once did.  BUT...I don't remember games of tag being a full on bodily assault.  I mean really people?  Your love is a little painful!  =)

Ok, so I hear your brains creaking around trying to figure out what the fuck I am talking about, and considering the simple possibility that maybe, just maybe I might have the earliest known case of onset dementia.  However, I promise, sorta, that I am not so much in full control of my faculties.  I said f-a-c-u-l-t-i-e-s, people, not f-e-c-e-s!  Geez, give me some credit!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I'm getting there.

So anyway, games of tag.

When I was a kid, no one wanted to play tag with me.  There was generally 2 schools of thought behind this.

1 - Not popular.  Even a little bit.  Give me a swing = happy girl.  Even at a young age people pissed me off.

2 - People tended to get pissed off because, while not popular, my gangly legs were quick!  I was a gazelle.  Except not as coordinated.  I was cheetah-esque in my speed.  Except not as graceful.  Well, you get the idea.  Nobody liked playing tag because they could never get the tagger back.

All of these years, I thought for sure I had beat the system.  I've been Queen of the hill that was the game of tag.  For centuries.  Sorta.  Not so much.  Well, maybe.  It sure feels that way!

And then, it seems recently that there was a conspiracy to gang tag me in a Meme. Which is whole-heartedly unfair.  And as tag Queen I am so pouting right now.

The first assault, was a sneaky one.  I was tripped ever so covertly by my Aussie buddy Alan over at Tbaoo.  He did a blanket tag of everyone on his blog roll so he could shirk responsibility for picking a certain number of people to tag.  It took me refreshing his page 3 times before I realized I was on his blog roll. Dammit, I think I sprained my finger.

So, just as I regain my footing and splinter my finger, I feel a sharp tug on my new locks.  I whip around to see who it was, and I see Michele over at BodaciousBoomer scooting her shrinking behind away from me.  Apparently, hair pulling is her kind of tag.  I may need to warn her husband about this.

And then, there was SJ over at almostthere.  I was so happy to see her, until I noticed that she wasn't looking where she was going and she tripped over a log and plowed into me full force.  I guess it's a good thing she hit me instead of the ground though.  She wasn't wearing her helmet again.  BUT she left bruises people! (commence mini violin playing - in....3....2.....)

So I've been tagged 3 times in the last week, and I have the sprained finger, missing hair, and bruises to prove it.

So now it's my turn...and my rules.  So sit down and listen up, because I'll be damned if I'm going through this 3 separate times!  HA!

Rule #1 - No Tag Backs  Ehm.  Did I mention.  Neener! Neener! Neener! Pfffffft!
Rule #2 - I'm changing the number of people I'm tagging
Rule #3 - Answer questions...ugh!  There were 2 different sets of questions.  I am only answering one, but I will post the one that I don't answer as well so you people can pick which ones you like better.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be?
Nothing.  All of the things that I've experienced have made me who I am today.  I'm fairly happy with the way I've turned out, and look forward to finding out who I'll become.

What movie/TV character do you most resemble in personality?
Ugh!  I got nothing for this.  I don't watch enough fictional programs to be able to come up with anything. 

If you could push one person off a cliff and get away with it, who would it be?
I think the answer to this pretty well varies from day to day.  However, if I had a person in mind, why would I mention it publicly?  Come on!  If I said who it was then I'd never get them to the cliff when I needed to "stretch".

Name one habit you want to change in yourself.
My smoking.

Describe yourself in one word.

Describe the person who named you in this meme in one word.
(Since I was tagged 3 times I'll do one for each)

In one sentence, why do you blog?
To make myself and others laugh, find joy in the oddities and the everyday, to challenge myself at making people laugh, and, surprisingly, to make friends.

Here are the questions from the other tag....(requires 8 people be tagged)

     Who’s listed at #1?

     Say something about #5

     How did you get to know #3?

     How about #4?

     Leave a message for #6

     Have a lovey-dovey message for #2?

    Do #7 and #8 have similarities?

Now, for the poor unsuspecting suckers that I'm tagging....Muwahahahahaha!  Don't embarrass me!  *snort*

Cheryl at The Art of Being Conflicted
Lola at Lola is 40
Asha at Random Ramblings of an Agnostic Mom
SciFi Chick at Bacon and Eggs
Annie at the day after yesterday
Clare at Yes, his name is Gary!

So...carry on, while I resume my place in my well worn recliner atop tag hill, and nurse my tagged and broken body back to some semblance of mobility.  Hey!  Who took the ice pack?  SJ!!!!!!!!!!  *wink*

Jewell  =)  xo

Friday, May 27, 2011

Friday Moment 5/27/11

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from sometime ... anytime

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Here's hoping you all have a happy and uneventful weather weekend!

Jewell  =)  xo

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Media Hilarity - 5/25/11

Ok...so I have been kinda sketchy in my posts lately.  I have no excuse really.  Since we put Crystal to sleep things have kind of been put on their head around here.  I blame it on Branson.  Don't ask.

Anywho...here's this week's media hilarity, sans my snarky comments.  Pretty sure most of them speak for themselves.  =)

          City man gets 7 years for armed robbery that netted 86 cents

          Goat Detained For Attempted Robbery Of Mazda 323

          Royally obsessed: Will and Kate tattooed on man's teeth

          N.J. town limits chicken hookups

          Woman Goes for Leg Operation, Gets New Anus Instead

Insert your snark today!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, May 23, 2011

Mugshot Monday 5/23/11

Sheesh!  Throw a sheet on this guy and call him a ghost!  Yikes!

As always...you be the judge!

Jewell  =)  xo

Friday, May 20, 2011

Friday Moment 5/20/11

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from sometime ... anytime

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Jewell  =)  xo

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Thursday Chuckles 5/19/11

Yeah.....Vegas is full of a bunch of the brilliant ones!  Amazing the town hasn't imploded with such a volume!

Best (not to mention cutest) Rock, Paper, Scissors ..... EVAH!

Unconfirmed reports indicate that this sign was created by a politician....go figure!

If I could photoshop I could so put one of my cats in this picture....food is his favorite thing EVER!

Yes!  This is the sign that I lug around with me every Thursday!  How did you know???

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

From the Rabbit Hole to the Black Hole

I woke up Friday feeling like I dropped down into a rabbit hole. 

I was convinced when I woke up on Friday that it was really Saturday. 

Then of course, there was the whole blogger tech idiots who had their heads up their collective ass and broke everyone's blogs.  So that really didn't help.

Then we had to get the husband him dropped off for a show to hock our business to some of the masses. 

Then I got sick-ish with a 24 hr thing.

The whole quit smoking thing took a bit of a tumble.  Cold turkey-ish wasn't working, but I was still making progress as I wasn't smoking a pack or more a day, but instead was down to 2 smokes a day.

Then on Monday all day I thought it was Tuesday.


Today the rabbit hole turned into a black hole.

See this beautiful and sassy girl right here?


Today we had to put her to sleep.  *sob*

Such a crappy, shitty, awful, heartbreaking day.

Back to the funny tomorrow.

Jewell  xo

Friday, May 13, 2011

Friday Moment 5/13/11

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from sometime ... anytime

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Have a lovely weekend, everyone!

Jewell  =)  xo

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A creepy confession....

So...I have a confession that I need to share with all of my readers.  It's kind of shocking, and more than a little creepy in the way that it came about.  It is something that I've just now become aware of.  I should have known sooner.  However, I know now.  Because I am a responsible blogger, I am passing this on as soon as possible!  =)

I have contracted accepted won been given my very first STD!  Yes, you heard me right, I have received my first STD.  Now it's a little on the creepy side that I have gotten said STD from *cough* a sister of mine.  Pretty fucking creepy even by my standards, but there you have it.

My STD was pass on to me by Jess over at Finding One's Way.  Yes...she's a sister of mine, though, now that she's given me an STD (and I don't kiss and tell), I'm thinking I might have to disown her.  Bitch!   =)

Because, I'm feeling generous (HA!) here are the rules that I am going to try and stick to.  However, because this IS an STD I think it's more likely that it's the obvious fever (and lack of nicotine) talking than me...

Sexy & Talented Diploma

1. Make up ONE totally ridiculous story about yourself that is a complete rip-off from a movie. It can be as long or short as you want; clean or crass as you want.

2. Pass it on to whomever you feel is deserving of this STD – or accept it and keep it for yourself; it’s your blog – it’s your choice.

3. If you choose to accept this STD, please link your acceptance post back to Adventures in Estrogen and to the person who gave you your STD (in your case it would be Really?! Wait! What?) You get the point?
You can choose to keep  your STD for yourself. Yet if you choose to pass your STD around do it fervently and don’t forget to back link

4.Use the acronym “STD” as much as possible within you post (send SEO’s into a tail spin) I have used it 12x’s within this post so far.

My Movie....
"I'm proud of you, Jewell!"
"You know something, Sam? I don't care if you're proud of me. You just stay away from me from now on. What is that nun going to do with it? She can't even buy underwear."

Who am I sharing my STD with??

The Widow Lady 
Random Ramblings of an Agnostic Mom
Hansi's Hallucinations

So there you have it.  A creepy confession, and the spreading of STD's!  Go forth and spread this STD willy nilly people!!  =)  Don't let me down!

Jewell  =)  xo

Media Hilarity - 5/11/11

Ahhhhhhh....stupid people!  Me loves me some stupid.....

     Murderer Identified Because He Had the Murder Scene Tattooed on His Chest   Have I mentioned dumb ass people really make my day?  This guy fits that bill!  What a fucking idiot!

     Cops: Ohio man charged after barking at police dog   Someone really needs to keep Gary Busey from going out in public.  Ok...not Gary Busey, but still any argument that he would fit the bill?  Yeah - I didn't think so either!

     Anti-porn Indonesian politician busted watching porn on his tablet   Dumb ass!  Fucking politicians.

     Man bites dog _ then sues over police canine's act   I'm rooting for payback by the dog on this, because is there really any doubt this fool will be going one on one with the po-po in the future?

     Maryland Man Glued to Wal-Mart Toilet Seat   Ok...seriously...does there really need to be a story that accompanies this??  How priceless is this without a damned story!?

Here's hoping you avoid mass gatherings of the stupid!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

And ......!

The Winner of the I'll Pimp Your Blog for One Day Contest....

*drum roll*

No one.

Well, actually that's not exactly true.  There was a winner, but the winner was not eligible because she had been mentioned in the blog post the day before (thereby already having her blog pimped).

Sooooooooooo....congrats to Cheryl of The Art of Being Conflicted for guessing the right hair-do, but really not winning! 

For those of you who might have been too sleep deprived, drunk, high, or just avoiding me last week I held an apparently non-exciting contest to see if anyone could have guessed which new hairdo I picked to have sculpted onto my noggin.

Anywho, here we go....(don't worry, I'm not remotely disillusioned enough to think that anyone really cares, but it's my blog and dammit I'm going to draw this fucker out as long as I can).

3rd Runner Up

2nd Runner Up

And the winning style is.....

Now, while I was sitting in the stylist's chair I had her add a bunch of blond highlights, and modify the bangs slightly so that they weren't constantly in my eyes.

Now while this style looks like it's easy care...the stylist was killing me with all the brushing, curling, drying, flattening, blah blah blah...   That's entirely too much work to make me happy.  So towel drying, blow drying and gluing into place is my speed.  Here's how I do it when I'm going somewhere...you can see some of the highlights, but the style was starting to droop, even with the glue because of the San Antonio humidity.  (You can probably see some of the highlights better by clicking on the picture to enlarge it....)

In all fairness though, if I don't do anything more than towel dry it and let it air dry...it pretty much ends up drying like the picture from the computer.

So there you have it.  A contest that 90% of visitors didn't give a rat's ass about...even when I said I would pimp their website for a day.  Which, means I would have give someone free advertising...just in case there's some kind of aversion to the idea that I'd be willing to commit a crime to give your blog face time for free.

You know...this is the 2nd time on this blog that I've presented an opportunity for someone to have their blog pimped here, and no one has taken me up on it.  So...no more contests for you people.  And, yes, in case you are thinking that I am more bitchy than snarky, and more whining than griping, than normal....I am.  I'm blaming it on the fact that I am working on quitting smoking for only the  2,305,697 001st  time, and I am suddenly severely allergic to breathing.....fantastic....so bite me!


Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, May 9, 2011

Mugshot Monday 5/9/11

Well, now that I've scared you all into never traveling with me, I think it's safe to say we can get back to the normal routine of things!  =)  Good to see everyone has finally learned a lesson around here.

Now, sadly, for this Mugshot Monday...  There are just no words....no words.  *shakes head*

As always you be the judge  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Friday, May 6, 2011

Friday Moment 5/6/11

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from sometime ... anytime

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Have an awesome weekend everyone! 

Jewell  =)  xo

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Random Trip Notes

So, like I mentioned in yesterday's post, I had my smarter than me phone on the trip.  Normally, on long drives, I like to read a book to keep me amused.  That was before I was a blog Overlordess. Now I always look for things to keep you people amused....how sick is that??

So here you are...random thoughts and snippets of conversations between the husband him and I on the trip down and the trip back.  Enjoy!  =)

Notes From Saturday 5/23/11

8am  *shuffle, head scratch, shuffle*  WTF...really?

9:40am to 11:18am  *yawn*

11:18am  Husband Him:  Isn't this fun? 
                Me:  Thrilled to bits.

11:45am Oh thankfulness...Joplin!  I have to pee so bad I could make a racehorse look like a trickle.
               Husband Him:  Good thing you weren't putting the gas in.  There was a wasp nest inside the gas tank door.
               Me:  Awesome.

11:52am  Husband Him:  Welcome to Oklahoma! 
                Me: Woo!  *draws air circle around face* This is my happy face.

12:17pm  Driving through Cherokee territory, and I just saw billboard for a "topless bodyshop"...hmmm!

12:52pm  Dear dude going to the McDonald's on the tollway overpass,  Take the stairs up to get your anus burger. Really!

1:15pm  Note to self...obsessing over the odometer numbers doesn't make the truck go faster.  Dammit!  *bangs head on dashboard*

1:18pm  Brilliant!  We just passed 2 cattle trucks. Fresh air is so invigorating.  *gag*

1:55pm  Just passed through Tulsa.  Sadly, all I have to mark the occasion is a sore ass from the drive.  Thanks, Tulsa, for the memories.

2:25pm  Ahhhh..Oklahoma, you tempt me with signs of a rest area but you hold it hostage behind my $4 in change.  Fucking toll roads!

3:04pm  I can't help but think it's not good radio business to have a DJ that sounds like a weasel (the animal...not of the political variety).

3:30 pm  I'd say I'm in the midst of a good ass massage, but the shit southern Oklahoma roads are only causing major ass numbage.  Way to go Oklahoma!  Ruin the only potentially good aspect if this never ending drive.....bastards.

3:48pm  Oklahoma is so much like my childhood home in so many ways.  Shit roads, constant road construction, and the occasional terroristic style assault if pig shit when you least expect it.

4:15pm  Help!!!!  My radio is apparently stuck in the 80's!  Someone please shut Debbie Gibson the fuck up....ahhhhhhrrgh!  No!  Make it stop! My ears!  They're bleeding!  Help!  Someone??!!

4:30pm  DJs should never do long audio bullshit that no one is going to listen to while doing a really shitty impression that is a combination between Darth Vader and Barry White.  Especially white DJs.  Creepy!

6:00pm  Well, Oklahoma provided me with an amazing lack of sufficient scenery which effectively lulled me into a coma.   

6:11pm  Ahhhh...North Texas.  You must have felt that Oklahoma did a poor amputation on the feeling in my ass.  Thanks for finishing off the job.  Now, please improve the scenery.  If you don't, and I see another fucking cow I just might jump out of the truck window.  Oh look!  Sheep!

6:22pm  Really Mother Nature?  You couldn't let me have a few days without you throwing a fucked up pissy fit?  You have to throw down some tornadoes somewhere in my vacinity here too??  I love you loads but you can be a real bitch!

7:10pm  Husband Him: We're going the right direction anyway.  I think.
              Me:  Not instilling a lot of confidence.

7:30pm  Ahhhh!  Time for food and to shake some feeling into my butt.  Look out truckers!  You're in for a show.  Dammit Texas!  Did you really need to spit rain in my eye?  The show wasn't that bad!  Not pretty!  But not bad!!

Notes From Sunday 5/24/11

1:14pm  Is it normal in Texas to see a woman in her Easter Sunday finest walking thru a parking lot with a goat??

2:52pm  Ok, finally!  Texas hill country is much better than the flat land, but people out here can't pass cars without making everyone else in the other lane dive for the shoulder.  I blame the methane gas.

Notes From Wednesday 5/27/11

10:45am  *happy dance*  We're headed back home!!  However, after seeing news reports from home, we maybe have to figure out a way to make the truck float.  Unfortunately that might require math, physics, engineering and/or geometry.  In which case I am so fucked.

11:22am  I wonder if there is a way to teleport us through Oklahoma to save my ass and what little is left of my particular brand of sanity. DAMMIT!!  That will probably *also* require those fucking math skills.  *shakes fist at universe* 

12:31pm  Husband Him: Hungry yet? 
                Me: Nah I can wait some.

1:15pm  Husband Him:  Wanna look for a place to eat? 
              Me: Nah. What about you?
              Husband Him:  Nah. I'm good.

1:45pm *drive into little podunk town*
              Husband Him: Wanna find someplace to eat? 
              Me: *looking out window*  Uhhhhh....where?

2:15pm  *drive into podunk town # 3,941*
              Husband Him:  Wanna look for a place to eat? 
              Me: No, but my bladder has hit tilt let's stop for gas.

2:30pm  Husband Him:  We're in a bigger town there will be place to eat here if you are interested.
              Me: Fine.  Let's eat so you'll shut up about it.
              *pull up to stop light* 
              Husband Him: Which way do you think should I go?
              *flips on left turn signal*
              Me: I'd go straight.
              Husband Him:  *follows through on left hand turn*
              Me: Really???

3:39pm  Hmmmm.  We just drove past a vacant commercial building.  The old business name "Beer 30 Drive Through" and it had 2 car wash style bays attached to the building.  Oddly efficient, and only a tad creepy.

4:32pm  Husband Him: Geez, people, speed it up!
              Me: Quit griping.  You said we were going to take our time getting back and relax.
              Husband Him: But this is like driving backwards.
              Me:  No.  Driving backwards is like driving backwards
              Husband Him: That"s true. But this is almost like that.
              Me:  Yeah...not so much.

7:59pm  Just saw a sign for an open air market with a sign that listed all the fresh goods you could get.  Among them multiple fruits, veggies AND jelly beans!  Who knew that jelly beans were grown in southeastern Oklahoma??? 

8:43pm  Found our hotel for the night, and stopped to eat at a Chili's.  The waitress introduced herself as Super Star. Ooooo-k.

9:15pm  Turns out Super Star was neither super nor a star, and Chili's sucked too.

11:28pm  Awesome!  Perfect topper to a very long week!  Leaving hotel room to go out front for a smoke and the next door neighbor opens his door wide, stumbles his way through and says "Would you guys like to come in and have a drink?"  At least that's what I think he said.  I was afflicted with a sudden fume contact drunk off him, the smell in the room, or both.  The husband him had to help me to elevator.

Notes From Thursday  5/28/11

9:38am  There is only one work truck left in the hotel parking lot.  Can't help but wonder if it's the truck for the guy I got the contact hangover from last night.

12:27pm  We just crossed Flat Rock Creek.  Oddly it looked more like Flat Rock Lake.  So either eastern Oklahoma received some rain recently or they don't know the difference between a creek and a lake.

1:35pm  Just saw a billboard that said "Reptiles have more fun.  Come party like a turtle"  Reeeeaaaally?  Like a turtle?  At my age, I could maybe still get my groove on at a party that speed!  There's hope yet!

2:59pm  About every 10 feet there's a billboard letting the truckers know they have rocks off rest stops.  Makes driving into Missouri kinda like driving into Las Vegas.  Except without the sand, skin melting sun, and people saluting me as they drive.

4:59pm  Husband Him:  So how would you like to see the Indianapolis 500?
             *already angling to get me to go on another business trip* 
             Me:  No.
             Husband Him:  You could get a chance to meet Jeff Gordon.
             Me:  What?!  It's not even  the same car race.  Indianapolis is Indy cars.  Jeff Gordon runs stock car.  Nascar.  What the hell kind of redneck are you anyway!?

    Final Facebook Status...

OMG....we're almost home! I think my ass just fainted with relief!

And that, my loverlies, is the last of my business trip punishment.  Hope you had some fun, had some laughs, and all that jazz at my expense somewhere along the way.  Don't forget!  One last thing from the trip and that's my Friday Moment for tomorrow!

Shit!  It's good to be back home!!

Jewell  =)  xo

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I Am A Bitchy Traveler

I hate, hate, HATE going on business trips.  I am a bitchy traveler.  I would qualify it by saying that I am a bitchy business traveler, but, considering my last actual vacation that didn't require me to have the laptop was sometime before the dinosaurs, I'm not altogether sure I wouldn't be a bitchy vacationer either.

See, working for yourself and having that work as an internet only based business definitely has it's perks.

For example.....

......working in your PJ's all day with bed head from hell...bonus!   The cat's don't care as long as you can still find your way to their food dish.  The husband him looks about like you do, so he has no room to talk.  The mailman stays a few acres away at all times because there's no need for him to come all the way up to the house.  Fuck it!  PJ's it is!

......go to bed or get up whenever you want.  Sure, there are clients, but they don't talk to me.  I've made that set in stone.  I don't deal well with people. Singularly or en masse.  I'm not picky.  People piss me off as a general rule of thumb.  Keep me away from them so I can do my work and I am a happy girl. 

......no meetings, no water coolers, no desk to sit at, no community bathrooms, or corporate lunchrooms where no one cleans their moldy shit out of the fridge or where they don't clean up after themselves in the microwave.  I sit in front of the husband him's entirely too fucking big television in my recliner and work.  So long as the internet is working I am working.  So long as the lights are on I am working.  (Did I mention in my PJ's?)

So, yeah, working for yourself from home has it's definite benefits.

Going on a business trip?  This violates all of my creature comforts, and forcefully puts people in my space that I don't want anywhere near my space.  It forces me to wear things that I don't want to wear (though I admit I clean up pretty well).  Forces me to carry pretty much everything with me except filing cabinets and printers just to make sure that I have everything I need in the eventuality the husband him needs me to pull some fancy miracle out of my ass on short notice.

In short.  Business trips stress me the fuck out.  So, I'm bitchy.

A while back, for the sake of marital bliss, I agreed to go on this past week's business trip with the husband.  It's been at the back of my mind ever since.  Stressing me out.  Little by little, inch by fucking tiny inch.

Finally it's here, we go, and somewhere along the way I lose track of my ass.  See, I don't fly.  I used to fly.  I'll be happy to watch other people fly.  I, on the other hand, am not getting anywhere near an airport.  So, if I go on a business trip with the husband him, it's by car.  Inevitably, all feeling in my ass disappears about 1/2 way to my destination.  Being the kind and loving man that he is, the first day, when we reached our first stop, he was kind enough to feel my ass and confirmed that it was, in fact, still attached.  Good to know.  Thanks, dear.  You can remove your hand from my ass now!  *shoots him the bitchy traveler evil eye*

The business trip was to San Antonio, TX.  It's a long fucking drive from the Middle of Nowhere, MO.  The first stop...Weatherford, TX.  I've never been so happy to find a hotel  IN --- MY --- LIFE.  I think it ended up being 9 hours as the Google crow flies.  By the way, in case you ever wondered, the Google crow?  Drunk! A stone cold, roofied drunk to come up with the directions we used to get down to Weatherford.

Anyway, we get there late at night, grab something to eat, and meet up with some friends of the husband him.  I'm sure I was a complete and total zombie the entire time we were together, because the night before we left we were up until 3am because of constant tornado watches and warnings.  Sleep?  What the fuck's sleep?  So, pretty sure, I was absolutely no kind of impressive for my first meeting with them.  (Sorry about that guys!)

Then, the next day, up and out early to finish the rest of the ride down to San Antonio.  Needless to say, I thought my ass had recovered and I was ready to knock this last leg of the trip out!  Then I sat in the truck, and my ass said, "Oh hell to the FUCK NO!" 

Well, we finally ended up in San Antonio, got ourselves checked in, ate at Macaroni Grill, worked and passed out again.

The next day was Monday, and the husband him, being from Texas originally, had plans.  Big plans for places to take me to take pictures.  We got to one of those plans.  The San Antonio Zoo.

I sweated like a pig on a spit waiting for the BBQ bottle to be poured on me.  The humidity in Texas was so thick that if I had swung a bath towel over my head for a couple of minutes I, firstly would have looked absolutely ridiculous even by Texas standards, but I also could have wrung the moisture out on the pavement.  The humidity was excruciating and disgusting.  I would walk out of the hotel room clean from a fresh shower, and before I could make it to the truck I was so sticky that I looked like a life sized, human shaped, walking sticky fly strip.  A bug here, some dirt there, a stray bird, a lost pamphlet flying on the breeze or a lost child...you name it, it stuck to me.  (Strike 2 on my ability to be impressive in public.)  Ick!

However despite the fact that I had to pluck myself clean periodically as I walked through the zoo, I did get some awesome pictures (by my estimation anyway).  I took a lot of pictures, but about 1/4 of them were ones worth being on my Flickr account.  One of the ones that didn't make it to Flickr will be used on this week's Friday Moment.

(Excuse me...shameless self promotion time...)

As many of you know, I'm an aspiring photographer and I would love to one day to be able to make a living off of something that I love doing.  I've kept up a Flickr account with the best pictures I've taken since I've been working to put together a portfolio of work.  If you would like to see them, feel free to poke around my Flickr account....

The most recent 25 pictures are pictures from the zoo.

(Ok...back to the story...)

Once that was done, and the humidity had completely sapped what little energy we had recouped during the night, we drove back toward the hotel.  The plan was to find a Joe's Crab Shack since we hadn't been to one since we lived in Las Vegas.  Instead we found a P.F. Chang's.  I think I might have had a Meg Ryan orgasm moment when the lettuce wraps were put in front of me.  Only MUCH quieter.  Heaven is PF Chang's lettuce wraps.  I'm positive of it.  I'm pretty sure I even heard angels singing!  Absolute heaven.

The next day was the actual conference that we had been invited to go to.  The plan, when we left the house, was that I would go on the trip, but I wouldn't go to the conference.  I would sit at the hotel and keep my work updated so that when the conference was going on the information being presented would be fresh.  Then we would meet up for dinner with the gal that had invited us.  (I guess I should say it was *my* plan.  The husband him was never really all that on board with it.)

Can any one say...bullshit?  Yeah!  Me too.  The husband wanted me to go with him to the conference so that I could be his GPS to get him to the conference center in one piece rather than him trying to juggle the directions and drive.  DAMMIT!

So I cleaned up well.  Dress slacks, new top because I knew it would be hot in Texas, and some wicked cute shoes.

Now, as any woman knows, cute shoes do not tend translate into comfortable.  Not to mention my feet had gone soft from working at home.  So my feet rebelled, as only feet can do, to being subjected to being stuffed into heels.  By the time we were done at the convention center we had to walk (kill me now) to the Riverwalk for dinner.  During the course of the trek, I'm pretty sure I resembled a well dressed, hunched over, drunk, 3 cards short of a full deck, old bag lady who gave up all her worldly goods in her shopping cart to steal my too cute for words shoes from a dumpster, as I staggered, stumbled, grumbled and whimpered my way down the sidewalk and various stairs.  (Strike 3 on the impressing people scale!  I suck!) 

My first thought was "SATAN!"


All I could think of doing was taking them off and throwing them as violently as I could muster.  You'll be happy to know that I didn't actually throw them, because my concentration and my aim would have been significantly warped.  With my luck, I would have poked out the eye of a passing police person with one of the heels.  Upside...free ride to the pokey without the shoes.  Downside...no dinner as a reward for impersonating a GPS system and teetering around downtown San Antonio. 

I was afraid to actually kick my shoes off because I knew if I did I would never get them back on.  If that happened I would be forced to walk back to the truck on sidewalks and roads that had things on them that seriously had me wondering if some of the smears could qualify as a biohazard.  I could see the breaking news pitch on the 10pm news, "Woman walking barefoot down San Antonio streets contracts highly contagious unknown, untreatable disease.  If you've seen this woman please contact the San Antonio Police, Fire, DHS, and CDC.  She must be stopped."  Yeah...what a way to leave my mark on beautiful San Antonio.  It would have made my mother proud, no doubt.

However, by the time I got back to the hotel room, borrowed a pry bar from the maintenance guy and was able to inspect my feet....holy shit!  They had swollen to the size of Texas with 2 enormous blisters.

Fucking cute shoes suck.  *sigh*

From this point forward there was more getting caught up on work and, of course, the inevitable drive home.

During the drive down and the drive back I had my handy dandy smarter than me phone and created a rather crappy, severely auto-corrected, but possibly hilarious travel log.  I say possibly because I haven't yet read anything that I wrote and can't remember anything that I put in there.  So...surprises for one and all in tomorrow's post!

Jewell  =)  xo

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Hair Drama

With the business trip coming up, I started wigging out about the fact that my hair had gotten beyond the point of unmanageable.  If you didn't read my post about my hair from last fall, you really should.

It had finally come to a point where I needed to do something with my hair because  1) it was bugging the shit out of me, and, frankly, bugging the shit out of me is always a bad idea   2)  nothing could be done with it to really make it look presentable in a business situation.  And by nothing I mean short of Super Glue for mousse and duct tape for barrettes or headbands whichever look I decided to go for.

In all honesty though, I had been avoiding the whole hair cutting experience like I was slated to do the "dead woman walking" mamba (again, see previous post from last fall), thus allowing my hair to grow out even more to the benefit of Locks of Love.

The thought of  1) getting in front of a camera in order to get the before pictures (I bloody hate being in front of the camera)  and   2) the thought of what the end result would look like once all my hair was hacked off by someone I had never seen, met, knew anything about, and who would be armed with a pair of shears that would make a scalpel look dull...not comforting.  Nope.  Not comforting in the fucking slightest. 

So here are the before pictures so you can see how long my hair had gotten, my Cousin It impression, and me practicing for my own Mugshot Monday....crap, you get the idea.  Not advisable to be eating anything as involuntary regurgitation is possible.  Don't look at me that way.  You've been warned. 

In the beginning...it was almost down to my bum
OMG!  Why is the basement so windy all of a sudden?
Embracing my inner Cousin It
Practicing to appear in my own Mugshot Monday.  How am I doin'?
So, in an effort to try and stem my nervousness, I went to visit the website that helped me to pick a hairstyle the last time my hair had been cut.  I mean, if I could get an idea of what the style would look like before I was subjected to unseen person's skills and weaponry, there would be a good chance I wouldn't be fidgeting, crying, screaming, and sucking my thumb in the chair like a 2 year old during their first hair cut.  Maybe.

So off to TheHairstyler.com I went.  (Please note, I am in no way affiliated with this site, I just found them extremely useful - despite the fact that I have to pay - when I need to find a new do.)

It requires a picture with your hair pulled back against a blank background.  Again with the mugshot poses??  Fine!  So here is what I uploaded for the virtual hair styler to use as a base.

Shit!  I'm much better looking from behind the camera.

Please note, from here on out, this post is going to look like a couple of fucked up Twilight Zone-esque mugshot composites.

Of course, I had to go through and try on hair styles that I knew that I would never get...check out what I could have ended up with.

Click on the photo to enlarge for the full effect and to read the captions
Ok, enough wasting time.  I'm running out of time to get my hair done, and I really need to come up with a solution soon because the Cousin It / Super Glue / Duct Tape look isn't going to impress anyone.  Including Locks of Love.  Besides, there are likely to be a lot of guns in the vicinity of this business trip so not being mistaken for an animal escaped from the downtown zoo....genius!

Below are the runners up for what I could have gotten done with my hair.  Included in this composite is the hairstyle that I took to the hairdresser to use.

Again, click to enlarge if you dare

So, I've decided to make this a bit of a contest.  Here are the rules.

1) Pick the hairstyle that I took into the hairdresser  DUH!

2)  Be the first one to comment correctly with your answer  DOUBLE DUH!

3)  The person that wins this little contest needs to be someone that was NOT listed in yesterday's housekeeping and award post.

The Prize?  You people are already worried about the prize? 

No.  You don't get money. 

No.  You don't get Charlie Sheen level fame. 

No.  I'm NOT buying you a car! 

What I will do, though, is I will pimp your blog to my readers stalkers for one day.  Of course, there might possibly be some homework associated with your win so you can properly introduce yourself to my other readers stalkers.  What?  The pimp doesn't do all the work you know!

The hairstyle that I chose, a picture of the 2nd and 3rd close choices, yet another picture of me this time with the cut and what I did with it, AND the announcement of who won.......*drumroll please*     Next Tuesday... May 10th.

Ok...on to the rest of the trip tomorrow!  =)

Now...go get some water.  I can't have any of you people dehydrating after getting rid of your lunches as a result of actually looking at the pictures in this post.

Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, May 2, 2011

Pssst. *looks over shoulder* Guest What?

I'M BACK!!!!  =)
(in case you couldn't tell by my early morning rant this morning)

Ok, ok, ok.  Get your uncontrollable joy under control.  The standing ovation, applause and tears *starts throwing tissues to the masses like confetti* is really too much.  I wasn't gone that long.  Really.  No.  Seriously. Stop.  Enough.  QUIT it already!  You people are never this nice to me, so all this over reaction of yours is seriously becoming suspicious.  Hey....pass me one of those glasses of wine would ya?


Anywhosaboutit....  I first want to say a sincere, heartfelt "Thank you!" to Stu, BaldyChaz, and SJ for helping me out last week while I was gallivanting across the US of A for a business trip.  All of you are more than welcome to drop by and sprinkle some laughter about anytime!  Just, you boys, please make sure to clean up after yourselves or else SJ may never come back to play!  =)

If any of you wonderful stalkers missed out on their guest posts, please be sure to check them out and visit their blogs.  They are all very worthy of your superficial love, and completely unrealistic adoration.  Here are the links to their guest posts if you missed them.

Stuart Nager - Motoring With Maggie

BaldyChaz - Holidaymakers!

Also, while I was away, guess what happened?  No really.  Come on.  Guess!  I'll bet you can't guess!


I won another award!

Oh shut up and drink your wine....

But this one is extra special.  Know why?

Because it finally recognizes my true station in life.  It makes me an Overlordess.  See?

Ok, so it doesn't exactly say that I am an Overlordess, but dammit I'm a girl so it has to be true.

The power of me was recognized by an equally powerful woman that I've mentioned multiple times on this blog.  Mainly because I think she ran out of people to torture with the awards when she gets bludgeoned with one, but I'm not going to complain because I love her.  She taught me the word "celebritard" after all, and it's just against my nature to not fall head over sexy, stylish heels in love with a woman like that.   So Your Highness, Overlordess Asha...thank you for seeing what so many of these other ungrateful ruffians refuse to recognize.  =)

Here are the rules...

     1. List three things you would change if you were Overlord.

     2. List ten blogs worthy of world domination. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. How about three?  Uh huh...yeah.  What she said.  Sorta.  I'm picking 4.  Whatever.

     3. Contact them about their new position of power.

So, just this once, I am going to do 2 things that I never do.

     1.  I am going to steal word for word Asha's 3 things, because outside of stupid politicians, she pretty well covered what my choices would have been.

     2.  I am actually going to share the wealth and pass out the award to 3 bloggers.

3 things (Asha and) I would change as Overlordesses

     1.) First and foremost, I would lock some scientists in an underground laboratory until they invented teleportation. Screw the cost of fuel! I teleport, bitches!  And after the week that I just had...this would have damned well been first on my list anyway!

     2.) I would also do away with telemarketers. I mean, seriously, with all the junk mail we get in our inboxes and mailboxes do we really need phone calls too? REALLY? I would also execute anyone who sold another person’s contact information.  Sing it sistah!

     3.) Lastly, I would lower the salaries of most celebrities, athletes, and politicians. Many of these fools have so much money they don’t even know what to do with it. I mean, how many freaking cars does one person really need? I would take their cut salaries and apply them to people who actually make a difference like teachers, librarians, scientists, charities, etc.  Amen and Hallelujah!

Ok...now to pass it on to 3 people that I would like to see help dominate the world and blogs in general.
(BTW - these are in no particular order so don't anyone get their panties in a bunch!)

Anne Dickens of the day after yesterday -   Really there are very few people in the world that I would share this power with, but since she is family (in a sisters separated at birth kinda way) I think a little nepotism is in order.  Between the 2 of us the world would definitely be a hell of a lot funnier place to live.  One on each side of the pond distributes the insanity nicely I think!  =)

Alejandro Guzman of Raising Amelie - Because he is frankly one of the funniest guys I know, and probably the only one of my readers who might actually cry if I didn't bestow him with an Overlord Award.  =)  I lurve him though, and he and his blog is absolutely worthy.  Of course, there is always the chance that he might use his power for evil rather than good, so keep looking over your shoulders.

Cheryl of The Art of Being Conflicted - I read a LOT of funny stuff.  Mainly because I feel it appropriate to take a rest from keeping myself amused every so often.  She does this in spades (and she's nice to me when it comes to my picture taking skills which helps her case *snort*).  Her blog is very tongue in cheek, dry, and one of the funnest places for me to stop when I need a break from my version of the real world.  She is also going to think that she's getting this because she mentioned recently she's never gotten an award before.  However, I knew while I was away that Asha had bestowed this award on me, and she was one of the first people that I thought of.  So Cheryl...use your new found Overlordess status wisely!  =)

.... and last but by no means least ....

Lola of Lola Is 40 - Actually Lola isn't 40...she's muuuuuuch older than that and me!  =)  Ok....not so much, but when she reads this I'm sure I'll be able to hear her squeal in indignation all the way up here in the middle of nowhere.  In any case, if you've never been to visit Lola, you really should.  I am one of her most dedicated stalkers, or is it stalkers that needs to be medicated?  I don't know.  Anyway, I know that she's hilarious, has great hair, is shallow, and worships at the Google alter for all of the math needs of her children because she's as bad at math as I am.  Actually, she's probably better.  She could actually remember part of the formula for a circle.  The other reason for giving this award to her, other than the fact that I love her in an entirely creepy fashion though not at the same level of creepy as the porn guy in Utah, is because her use of the title Overlordess will make for one hell of a ride for the rest of us!  =)

Ok...so that pretty well covers the house keeping that needed to be done while I was way.  Be sure to visit all of these lovely folks mentioned here, and tell them I said "Hi"

Next on the list...my trip.  I finally took the leap and got my hair cut so there will be a post on that.  I also took some notes during the drive down and the drive back home, and I will also put a post up of the actual reason we went on the business trip.  Friday moment will be back and will be a shot from the trip as well.  Next week, barring Alejandro going nuts with his Overlord Award, we should be back on schedule with all of the weekly crazy that I can find!

Happy days are here again!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

I'm Fucking Pissed

Want to know why?  Good, because this whole post is going to tell you why with liberal bouts of the F-word.  Love it or leave it.

1....because this was supposed to be the start of a good week of posts for me talking about my business trip and making you people laugh so hard that you maybe cracked a couple ribs (ok...that part might be a bad side effect, but they say that laughter is the best medicine)

2....double bonus Osama Bin Laden = Dead! Dead! Dead!

3....I'm so mother fucking mad it's keeping me up and seriously shitting all over what little beauty sleep I can manage to get my hands on during the night.  Oh Boy!  Happy day tomorrow!

4....a guy I went to high school with, and reconnected with on Facebook, managed to push one of the very few fucking "make my head spin like Linda Blair in the Exorcist pissed" buttons that I possess tonight.

So, now, because my brain is ranting at the pace of light speed, I'm having to start my week of funny shit about the trip with this rant that won't let me sleep and, in the process, taking the chance at scaring off or pissing off, probably half of the people that follow me.

One of my long standing rules....stay off politics.  Why?  Really?  Because isn't this world fucked up enough already because of politics and politicians?  Unless some politician somewhere, did or said something enormously fucked up to make it into any number of my posts on this site I don't talk about it.  And really, even this isn't about politics per se.  Or maybe it is. Maybe it's more along the lines of people holding onto their politics so fucking hard they could strangle an Ox into post mortem with them.

This brings me back to my HS buddy.  He's a staunch Democrat.  Staunch to the point that he'll bend over and spread his butt cheeks to anyone with a sexy wink and the same opinion as his.  He sees everything through and nothing past his political blinders.

Ok...so fine.  He's a Democrat.  Good for him. 

Me?  I am independent to the point that my teeth hurt when someone that gung-ho builds altars and sings praises regardless of whether their politician or religion of choice is right or wrong.  I am an independent woman with my own mind and my own opinions.  I make up my own damned mind on what the facts of a situation are.  My mother raised me to have common sense, and I'm good at using it on a regular basis (practice makes perfect you know).  However, politics be damned....truth is what reigns supreme in my mind. I don't care what political party someone is with, if you can't tell me the fucking truth get the fuck off my television, off my phone, and out of my mailbox.  I don't care whether you fuck a donkey or an elephant for your profession, if you can't tell me the fucking truth there is someone else out there who's more than happy to take my vote.

Politics in this country has become, for me, a game of Russian Roulette.  Pick a candidate and hope that he/she doesn't fuck this country up any more than it already is, that they do right by our military, our teachers, our law enforcement and first responders.  Oh!  And by the way?  If you could help in not making the citizens of the beautiful U.S. of A. look like a bunch of rabid, back water, cave people that don't have a functioning brain cell between the 300+ million of them, to the rest of the world, that'd be genius of you!

So, of course, tonight the POTUS was to step up to the podium (seriously Dude...quite bouncing your hands on the podium when you are speaking...it's fucking irritating and bad speaking skills) to tell the tale of Osama's glorious demise. However, I got pissed off having to wait, so I posted this to my Facebook status as I sat here impatiently...

"Gotta love how politicians can't keep an appointment for "important news" that's a "big deal", but can always show up in time when it affects the amount of money in their coffers. Politicians are f***** idiots"

All Presidents at one point or another in their term have kept the public waiting to hear about something important, that, by the time the POTUS gets around to talking about the big news the news outlets have already broke the story.  (Can we say that no White House can keep a secret to save it's life?)  Obama is no better or worse at this than any of his predecessors.

However, this is part of the conversation that ensued.....

     HS Buddy: Pretty sure he was making sure it was confirmed...

(edited for my brain fart)
     Me: Make that he's been dead a week they were waiting for DNA confirmation

     HS Buddy: I think he just said they carried out the operation today

     Me: He lied. Trust me.

     HS Buddy: Sigh...

     Me: ?

Now for those of you that don't know my HS Buddy...let me interpret. 

    Sigh...could be interpreted the following ways...
      1) there goes another one dissin' the guy because he's black
      2) she's another stupid Republican
      3) she's a tea partier
      4) she watches Fox News
      5) all of the above

Now this guy, knows the me from High School.  He knows nothing about me now.  Has never talked politics with me (or anyone that I've been a party to seeing) as if he gave a rat's hairy ass what I (or they) had to say.  Has never once inquired into what I do for a living.  Has never asked my opinion on any subject that could be considered a hot topic (i.e. gay rights, women in the military, racial issues, immigration, etc).  Why do I know that this is how his "sigh" can be interpreted?  Because I watched him violently lambast people that he considered "friends" regularly during the Presidential campaign.  Never once, conceding that someone other than him might have a valid political thought or view.  And when he couldn't turn them to his way of thinking the next thing you would see on his Facebook status was "Another one bites the dust".  Awesome!  It's so good to see that friendship and an open mind comes a distant second or third to your political ideology.

Yes, I said the POTUS lied about the operation being today.  Why?  Because I had facts to prove otherwise.  I don't speak out of my ass.  (Mainly because the whistle it produces is nails on a chalkboard style of irritating.)  My work, my job, my current lot in life is to make sure that I have as many of the facts (all sides whether I like them or not) as I can possibly gather and then make those facts available where needed.  But, instead, HS Buddy sighs his assumptions about me, my mental capacity and my non-existant political leanings.

So...here's the button that got pushed (in case you haven't already pieced it together)...

What the fuck is with people?  Why has the mentality spread so far and wide that "my way or find the fucking highway" is the only way to go?  People in this country routinely scream the rafters off a roof about freedom of expression and the first amendment.  Fine!  Good!  But who the fuck are you to assume, disrespect, or degrade my opinion as being any less important, any less valid, or just fucking plain less than yours?

Making assumptions piss me off.  "Put on your listening ears" as Judge Judy has been known to say.  Someone might actually say something that you can agree with, even if only a little a bit.  And, oh, holy hell!  Maybe you could learn something new that you didn't know or consider before.  But don't EVER disrespect me by make assumptions about me, my character, my morals, my ethics, or my ability to have a clear and concise thought that wasn't fed to me blindfolded and wrapped to resemble a bullshit burrito.  It pisses me off! 

There is an old maxim, that once upon a time might have actually been a quote that has, since, been beaten into what we know today, that says .... "There is always two sides to every story and then there's the truth."

People seem to forget that.  

Fuck!  Back to the funny later this afternoon.

Jewell  =) xo