Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Guest Post - Motoring with Maggie by Stuart Nager

Hello my loverlies!  Well as you know I am off being drug out of my well worn chair at home to go on a business trip, and I put out a plea to fellow bloggers to help me out with some guest posts.

One of my newest BFFs is the wonderful, sweet, funny, and creative Stuart Nager.  He has 2 wonderful blogs that you definitely need to go read.  His brain is clearly more prolific than mine to be able to put out so many wonderful posts!  So, once you are done reading his guest post here in my little corner of insanity...go visit both of his blogs...bornstoryteller and Tale Spinning

Thank you Stuart.  I can't thank you enough for not only making me laugh with your story, but with stepping up to help me.

Now...without further adieu....

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Motoring with Maggie

It was smooth sailing down the New York State Thruway. Maggie had been quiet for almost 90 miles. 90 miles of beautiful peace and quiet. Magster was not normally the silent type when driving. She’d rattle this off or that every few miles, sometimes more than that.

And repeating? Again and again, like a cd with a bad scratch  that you could never fix. “I heard you the first time,” I’d sometimes say aloud, but I knew it fell on deaf ears.  Most times I tried to ignore it. Most times. Today…today, for some reason, was different.

Maggie & I had been together a little over two years. Two years! I needed her, but I wish I didn’t.  It’s not good when you NEED… yet, going back alone just wasn’t what I was ready for.  Sometimes she led me astray, and that was…ok. You need to change things up a bit. The rest of the time, straight and narrow. Kinda boring, but…I knew what to expect.

We were approaching an exit, and she told me to get off here. I didn’t say anything, but continued driving.  Silence. Dead silence.

Then…

“Recalculating. Take the next exit, on your right.”
“No, Maggie, I will not. I know a better way.”
“Turn right at the next exit.”
“No”
“TURN RIGHT AT THE NEXT FUCKING EXIT!”

Stunned, I looked at Maggie. Her screen was blinking maps in a configuration that was making my head spin.

“You NEVER LISTEN TO ME,” screamed Maggie. “I HATE YOU! TAKE THE NEXT FUCKING EXIT OR YOU WILL BE SORRY!”

I slowed down, looked left and right. Only one John Deere tractor chugging down the road. I started to turn into the right lane, then said fuck it.

“No..I am NOT taking the next exit. I do not care if you have to recalculate! Screw you!”

“I HAVE GIVEN YOU TWO YEARS, BUSTER!!! TWO MISERABLE YEARS OF YOUR DOING WHAT YOU WANT, GOING WHERE YOU WANT, MAKING ME RECALCULATE ALL THE TIME! LAST WARNING!”

I flipped her the bird and drove on past the exit.

“GRRRRRR..RECALCULTE..RECALCULATE…RECALCULATE…EXTERMINATE..EXTERMINATE……eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

I lost complete control of the car. The steering would not obey. The car drove off the side of the road, down the bank, into a very large not very soft tree.  The next thing I know, a State Trooper has pulled me out of the car. I must have said something to the effect, in a stupor, that “ha ha Maggie. You are dead!!” a couple of times. I was hauled off to the jail, and no one believes me.

They are looking for Maggie now.


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Now....GO!  Visit Stuart's blogs and show him some lovin'.  Just don't make it creepy kinda lovin' or he may never come back to play!  In case you missed it above (or your ADHD kicked into overdrive)...his blogs can be found here .... bornstoryteller and Tale Spinning.  Now go, and don't embarrass me (overly much)!

Muwah!

Jewell  =)  xo

13 comments:

BornStoryteller said...

Thank you Jewel..hope you're having a great time. Thanks for letting me play. Hope your followers like it.

Jenni said...

This was funny, it took a very amusing turn I enjoyed that immensely. Thank you Stuart for guest writing so I can have another wonderful blog to follow.
@Jewell i am now following your blog. =)

SJ said...

LMAO So funny, thoroughly enjoyed that

I personally wish I could kill mine, it frequently sends me off in the wrong direction - I believe it's a conspiracy to manoeuvre us to a single point in time and at the moment it's all just in the testing phase.

Ron said...

I have a "Maggie" and she has ked me astray more than once. I know I need her, but she is a scamp and leads me to empty Cul-de-sacs just to show me she is in charge...I feel your pain ;)

Great post!

Widow_Lady302 said...

OH WOW!!! Now I see why Jew-jew had you do a guest post for her! LMFAO! and yet...I'm sorry...I hope you weren't one of the mug-shot mondays! Cheers! Awesome stuff will be checking your blogs out!

Jewell said...

Comment posted for Jessica Brant because she had problems with the comment form! (Suuuuuuuure!!) =)

"I can't believe you hijacked my friend Stuart for you own personal gain my sister. I am glad you did :) I read that story already so I wont comment.... : ) xoxo Jessica"

Jewell said...

Stu...having a great time? *taps chin thoughtfully* Depends on which portion of the whole trip you are referring to! =) PF Chang's ... definite highlight! =) You are welcome back anytime! =)

Jenni...thank you for stopping by, and glad to have another stalker! =) Hope you enjoy the insanity that has become my piece of the blogosphere! =)

alejandro guzman said...

Funny stuff Stu...

I wish I had a Maggie cause it does get a little hairy when trying to read a street directory whilst driving. Even worse when I've forgotten my glasses...

A

Hello Julie, Julie, Julie xxooxx

Jewell said...

Hi A! Hi A! Hi A! =) xoxoxo <3

Larry Lewis said...

And there was i thinking i was the only person who shouts at my Sat Nav. Hate to think how many times it has led me astray and tested my stress management skills. Brilliant article!

BornStoryteller said...

Thanks all. Glad you enjoyed it. I make my Maggie recalculate all the time (she ALWAYS wants to take the path of most traffic)...just thought: what if she really just had enough recalculating?

Jewel: thanks for having me. Hope we can do this again sometime.

li said...

You men just WON'T ask for directions or listen to us, will you? See what happens? :))) Glad to run into you elsewhere in the blogosphere, Stu.

BornStoryteller said...

Actually, I DO ask for directions. It was my ex (and now my daughter) who won't do that. I love my Maggie because I don't have to fiddle with a map (hate maps) or printed directions.
and, same here LI.