Thursday, April 28, 2011

Guest Post - Hormones or Just a Bitch by SJ

Today's guest post is by a wonderful, independent, wonderfully evil, incredibly funny, and entirely more mannered woman than myself.  Despite her fantastic manners, she and my less than lady-like self hit things off beautifully.  Personally I think she and I just shop at the same shop for our horns and halos.  Another wonderful blogger from across the pond in England, SJ can be found on her blog at Almost There.

If you've never been to visit her, you really should.  But before you go visit her, you really should read her post here first.

Disclaimer:  While it seems like this is something that I would write (of course, with a LOT of cuss words) I swear this is a guest post, and SJ is a real person!  Honest!  *makes crossing heart motions*


Hormones or Just a Bitch

My hormones are going all over the place, it’s like I’ve become a different person. I have no tolerance just lately, I’m told it’s normal in pregnancy for your hormones to do double back flips but I never experienced this with my first one.   I do wonder whether it’s also combined with getting older and after years of just getting on and doing stuff I’m just set in my ways.  Lots of things are really getting to me and admittedly it doesn’t take a lot to set me off.  I know I’m particular and I like things done in a particular way, I also like well … I like the things I like.   I have just grown to appreciate what I like and being the person I am having had to do everything myself, I just know how to do things in the quickest way possible.

I find people around me who do things at a snails pace or just leave things annoy the bloody hell out of me.  Going from a single parent for 9 years to now having my partner move in, it’s definitely an interesting situation – I have had to compromise my bathroom and my wardrobe, it’s been harsh but I have managed to empty out one complete half of my wardrobe just for him.  Although I do wonder why a guy should have as many clothes as a woman – having skirts, dresses and trousers kind of makes me feel that I should have at least a 70/30 ratio to the wardrobe. I mean how many clothes does a guy actually need?

I do feel for him but I also feel he brings a lot of it on himself.  You may think I’m being harsh or a bit unfair but look at this:

BE WARNED I’m having a major bitching session here…..

Washing – I usually do all the washing but he’s decided he’s going to help me so as to lighten the load, the thing is I now have no white underwear (and I hate mismatching underwear), it’s all now chewing gum grey, my yellow t-shirts are now green and my cream shirt is silver grey as well as the once crystal white silk dragon fly embroidered top (that was sent to me from China) is now a fetching shade of blue/grey.  STOP WASHING MY CLOTHES IF YOU CAN’T SEPARATE THE COLOURS FROM THE WHITES.  Your answer – I put the colour catcher in to stop them running – not helping as I’m nursing in the corner the devastation left behind to my clothes. I mean you might as well just wash them with the dog.

 I don’t have a line for the garden so my washing has to go in the dryer (which is in the garage) if you don’t tell me you put it in the dryer I don’t know to remove it once it’s finished and then when you leave it over night it takes twice as long to iron because everything is creased to buggery and some things like jeans you just cannot iron straight so it has to go back into the washing machine – in other words – if you didn’t get it the first time JUST LEAVE THE BLOODY WASHING ALONE – I’ll do it.  My last load of washing has been in the machine 3 times now because you stealth like transferred it to the dryer twice without telling me. 

I hate with an absolute passion low fat, extra light foods; they taste like someone shredded polystyrene on my food and poured ten ton of sweetener in my drink.  Give me full fat, no frills food, if you eat a healthy balanced diet combined with regular exercise then you shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not your food is 2% less fattier than other leading brands.  So when I buy ‘normal’ beans, ketchup and soft cheese and I buy your ‘special’ lower than brands because you insist on them – STOP EATING MINE!!!!

The same goes – if you use the last of something either replace it when you go to the shop or tell me that you’ve just finished it so I know to replace it.  Contrary to popular belief I AM NOT psychic and I do not know that there’s no cheese or kitchen towel left as I do not check every cupboard, jar and drawer when I go shopping.  There’s a pad on the fridge – you may have noticed it, it contains a shopping list for when we are getting low or I’ve (although that I should be we’ve) used up the last.  It even comes complete with a pen – if it’s too much for you to be able to WRITE ‘Toilet roll’ then TELL ME and I’ll do it.

I think it’s really cute that you want to help me when I’m doing my DIY stuff, like fixing shelves, putting together wardrobes, decorating but if I have to watch whilst you dethread one more screw I will scream and ram the screwdriver through your temple.   Not everyone can be good at everything but I’m insisting that if it needs repairing, decorating or putting together leave it to me – I just don’t have the patience to teach you how to rewire a plug or put up a shelf.

And why on the rare occasion when you decide to cook do you have to use every pan, dish, pot, utensil in the house?  I know I’ll always clean it up but hell it’s like the aftermath of a chimpanzee tea party and a catastrophic twister.

The same goes for the dirty nose tissues on the floor of the bedroom and your dirty clothes not in the linen basket, food left on the side instead of put back in the fridge, you open the bin see it’s full and try to cram another bit more in there and break the bag – why not take it out to the bin when you see it’s full, why leave it? Your shoes are everywhere and everywhere I look there’s a little piece of something like your cap (I’m so tempted to write CRAP), your keys, your wallet, half your post because the other half is somewhere else in the house, why do you insist on leaving a trail? I fell in love with a human snail – ARGHHHH I think you will just about drive me insane.

I could go on and on and I’m in one of those moods but I’ve said my piece and I’m feeling a little more mellow now, for all the stuff I wish you just wouldn’t do; I love that you wake me up in the morning with a coffee, you make my breakfast just the way I like it and you try so hard to fit in with my sometimes ‘unreasonable yet perfectly logical’ way of doing things.  I love that I can bitch and moan, come in sweaty and filthy from cleaning or gardening or when I wake up totally dishevelled and you smile, kiss me and tell me I look beautiful.  I know I’m not perfect and hell you’re practically impossible to live with but I love you regardless and I’m sure that with a little more time we’ll get there, now if you would just learn that you do not need to have the TV, the radio and the computer on at the same time (because the sports results come out the same regardless of which digital/media avenue they are coming from) we will be just fine.


Now....GO!  Visit SJ's blog and show her some lovin'.  In fact, the ladies in the house, just go give her a hug, a high five, and a "Hell Yeah!"  I know most women reading this right now can REALLY relate to this post!  =)  LOL  In case you missed it above (or your ADHD kicked into overdrive)...her blog can be found here .... Almost There.  Now go, and don't embarrass me (overly much)!


Jewell  =)  xo


BornStoryteller said...

Be very afraid. I did the same thing to the ex's laundry in our first days, and was forbidden to touch laundry again!

Mary said...

Wonderful SJ! Gotta love those hormones during pregnancy :) But really, would it be much different if you weren't??? I have some of the same gripes around reply...'if moma ain't happy, then no one's happy' and stick to it. Eventually, they get it :)

alejandro guzman said...

you could go and on? I think you did..go on and on

and on


Louise said...

LOL ~ I thought men were supposed to make you feel 'whole' Brilliant post! Good luck *runs away* ; )

Annie (Lady M) x said...

Great blog SJ! I really enjoyed it. You make a marvellous guest poster. And you made me almost glad I don't have a bloke round the house!

Finding One's Way said...

Rant away you are allowed. You sound like me in this post. LOL
love you

Jorie Pacli said...

LMAO!!!! SJ, you rock! You definitely made my day! :) I just loved this post! :)) xoxo

Laura said...

This made me laugh so hard!!!

Baldychaz said...

Wow ranting fever! I loved it rant for England, we could become an olympic ranting team?

Rimly said...

Loved your post SJ. I read the entire list of complaints and I thought does he, your partner also have this thing about squeezing the tooth paste tube from the middle instead of the bottom? :)))) I hate it when someone does that! I mean why cant you squeeze the damn thing from the bottom!!! I am not pregnant!!! Blame it on hormones sweetheart and you are allowed to rave and rant one minute and love him to distraction the next!

SJ said...

Thanks everyone, it was a well needed rant :)

@Born Storyteller - Was the ex and ex at the time of the laundry incident? anything after I love you passes is fine :D

@Mary - I'm using it and sticking with it from now forth, plus I hope 'Moma is happy today' love you xoxo

@A - you know I do and will forever and ever he he x

@Louise - oh they can but on those occasions just remember to defrost throughly before cooking ;P

@Annie (Lady M) - love that 'Lady M' makes me feel all honoured like I need to courtsey. I did 9 years without one so it's true you don't but they do come in handy for cuddles and giggles so I may just keep him a bit longer whilst he's amusing me :D

@Finding One's Way - Our love our rants, we should make it a regular feature :D

@Jewell - I already said it but you are awesome and lots of hugs and soppy stuff from me. Thank you for allowing me to invade your space, so before I outstay my welcome, got my feet up on the table and everything - Night hunni oxox

Rachel Hoyt said...

Ah, the joys of moving in together. :) You'll figure out a system. For now... BITCH that anger out of your system. :)

BornStoryteller said...

Nope... within the first year and a half. I THINK she was pregnant at the time, and I was doing all the housework. First time I did laundry by myself as a married couple. So..yeah...chagrined! :)

Adriene Joyce said...

That's right, SJ, let it out! This is the perfect time in your life to rant to your heart's content! ;-)

Mari Sterling Wilbur said...

Hilarious, wonderful blog!! I'm now following you. Thank you for the comment on my latest post. I hope you keep following me and learn lots more about photography. I'm making a decent living selling mine on line.
Here's my blog
Here's my photo sales site just to give you can idea of what YOU can do with a little training:

Regards, Mari

Bodacious Boomer said...

Sadly, I so relate to that cartoon...

Jewell said...

Mari...thanks for taking the time to drop by! =) I'm glad you enjoyed your visit to my little bit of crazy. =) Thanks for the link to your sales site...I'll definitely be checking it out! =)