Friday, April 29, 2011

Friday Moment 4/29/11

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from sometime ... anytime

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Jewell  =)  xo

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Guest Post - Hormones or Just a Bitch by SJ

Today's guest post is by a wonderful, independent, wonderfully evil, incredibly funny, and entirely more mannered woman than myself.  Despite her fantastic manners, she and my less than lady-like self hit things off beautifully.  Personally I think she and I just shop at the same shop for our horns and halos.  Another wonderful blogger from across the pond in England, SJ can be found on her blog at Almost There.

If you've never been to visit her, you really should.  But before you go visit her, you really should read her post here first.

Disclaimer:  While it seems like this is something that I would write (of course, with a LOT of cuss words) I swear this is a guest post, and SJ is a real person!  Honest!  *makes crossing heart motions*


Hormones or Just a Bitch

My hormones are going all over the place, it’s like I’ve become a different person. I have no tolerance just lately, I’m told it’s normal in pregnancy for your hormones to do double back flips but I never experienced this with my first one.   I do wonder whether it’s also combined with getting older and after years of just getting on and doing stuff I’m just set in my ways.  Lots of things are really getting to me and admittedly it doesn’t take a lot to set me off.  I know I’m particular and I like things done in a particular way, I also like well … I like the things I like.   I have just grown to appreciate what I like and being the person I am having had to do everything myself, I just know how to do things in the quickest way possible.

I find people around me who do things at a snails pace or just leave things annoy the bloody hell out of me.  Going from a single parent for 9 years to now having my partner move in, it’s definitely an interesting situation – I have had to compromise my bathroom and my wardrobe, it’s been harsh but I have managed to empty out one complete half of my wardrobe just for him.  Although I do wonder why a guy should have as many clothes as a woman – having skirts, dresses and trousers kind of makes me feel that I should have at least a 70/30 ratio to the wardrobe. I mean how many clothes does a guy actually need?

I do feel for him but I also feel he brings a lot of it on himself.  You may think I’m being harsh or a bit unfair but look at this:

BE WARNED I’m having a major bitching session here…..

Washing – I usually do all the washing but he’s decided he’s going to help me so as to lighten the load, the thing is I now have no white underwear (and I hate mismatching underwear), it’s all now chewing gum grey, my yellow t-shirts are now green and my cream shirt is silver grey as well as the once crystal white silk dragon fly embroidered top (that was sent to me from China) is now a fetching shade of blue/grey.  STOP WASHING MY CLOTHES IF YOU CAN’T SEPARATE THE COLOURS FROM THE WHITES.  Your answer – I put the colour catcher in to stop them running – not helping as I’m nursing in the corner the devastation left behind to my clothes. I mean you might as well just wash them with the dog.

 I don’t have a line for the garden so my washing has to go in the dryer (which is in the garage) if you don’t tell me you put it in the dryer I don’t know to remove it once it’s finished and then when you leave it over night it takes twice as long to iron because everything is creased to buggery and some things like jeans you just cannot iron straight so it has to go back into the washing machine – in other words – if you didn’t get it the first time JUST LEAVE THE BLOODY WASHING ALONE – I’ll do it.  My last load of washing has been in the machine 3 times now because you stealth like transferred it to the dryer twice without telling me. 

I hate with an absolute passion low fat, extra light foods; they taste like someone shredded polystyrene on my food and poured ten ton of sweetener in my drink.  Give me full fat, no frills food, if you eat a healthy balanced diet combined with regular exercise then you shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not your food is 2% less fattier than other leading brands.  So when I buy ‘normal’ beans, ketchup and soft cheese and I buy your ‘special’ lower than brands because you insist on them – STOP EATING MINE!!!!

The same goes – if you use the last of something either replace it when you go to the shop or tell me that you’ve just finished it so I know to replace it.  Contrary to popular belief I AM NOT psychic and I do not know that there’s no cheese or kitchen towel left as I do not check every cupboard, jar and drawer when I go shopping.  There’s a pad on the fridge – you may have noticed it, it contains a shopping list for when we are getting low or I’ve (although that I should be we’ve) used up the last.  It even comes complete with a pen – if it’s too much for you to be able to WRITE ‘Toilet roll’ then TELL ME and I’ll do it.

I think it’s really cute that you want to help me when I’m doing my DIY stuff, like fixing shelves, putting together wardrobes, decorating but if I have to watch whilst you dethread one more screw I will scream and ram the screwdriver through your temple.   Not everyone can be good at everything but I’m insisting that if it needs repairing, decorating or putting together leave it to me – I just don’t have the patience to teach you how to rewire a plug or put up a shelf.

And why on the rare occasion when you decide to cook do you have to use every pan, dish, pot, utensil in the house?  I know I’ll always clean it up but hell it’s like the aftermath of a chimpanzee tea party and a catastrophic twister.

The same goes for the dirty nose tissues on the floor of the bedroom and your dirty clothes not in the linen basket, food left on the side instead of put back in the fridge, you open the bin see it’s full and try to cram another bit more in there and break the bag – why not take it out to the bin when you see it’s full, why leave it? Your shoes are everywhere and everywhere I look there’s a little piece of something like your cap (I’m so tempted to write CRAP), your keys, your wallet, half your post because the other half is somewhere else in the house, why do you insist on leaving a trail? I fell in love with a human snail – ARGHHHH I think you will just about drive me insane.

I could go on and on and I’m in one of those moods but I’ve said my piece and I’m feeling a little more mellow now, for all the stuff I wish you just wouldn’t do; I love that you wake me up in the morning with a coffee, you make my breakfast just the way I like it and you try so hard to fit in with my sometimes ‘unreasonable yet perfectly logical’ way of doing things.  I love that I can bitch and moan, come in sweaty and filthy from cleaning or gardening or when I wake up totally dishevelled and you smile, kiss me and tell me I look beautiful.  I know I’m not perfect and hell you’re practically impossible to live with but I love you regardless and I’m sure that with a little more time we’ll get there, now if you would just learn that you do not need to have the TV, the radio and the computer on at the same time (because the sports results come out the same regardless of which digital/media avenue they are coming from) we will be just fine.


Now....GO!  Visit SJ's blog and show her some lovin'.  In fact, the ladies in the house, just go give her a hug, a high five, and a "Hell Yeah!"  I know most women reading this right now can REALLY relate to this post!  =)  LOL  In case you missed it above (or your ADHD kicked into overdrive)...her blog can be found here .... Almost There.  Now go, and don't embarrass me (overly much)!


Jewell  =)  xo

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Guest Post - Holidaymakers! by BaldyChaz

Crazy Englishmen from Monty Python to Mr. Bean are never in short supply.  Well, in this case, this crazy (and probably slightly grumpy) Englishman out does all others.  Mainly because the shine from his bald head blinds all of his competitors.

In any case, BaldyChaz of rantings of a bald man is a wonderful writer, and a wonderful friend for helping with the guest posts while I was out of town on business.  Thanks, mate!  I appreciate you jumping in with both feet to help me out...

Now....on with the crazy bald one's post...enjoy!



Step back get away give a baldy some room, you got to turn me up when my rants go boom! Hello and welcome Baldychaz is my name ranting is my game.

A big shout out to my lovely hostess HELLOOO and without further ado follow me into the world of bald rants…..

Today's topic is a seasonal one, I am lucky to live on the coast in Norfolk England, surrounded by the beach on one side and lovely woods on the other. Lucky me it’s a pretty little place (although a bit backward and slow in the Norfolk way) so what possible reason could I have to moan ask you dear readers?

One word (think its one word anyway) Holidaymakers! Being a seaside resort in Winter this little haven is as deserted as the top of my head. Tumbleweed blows through cold windy empty streets, half the shops shut and an eerie silence descends.

However this changes rather dramatically during the holiday season, take this bank holiday weekend! The streets ate laden with ice cream licking fish and chip munching strangers. All enjoying the wonders of Norfolk (mainly the beach the woods are clear phew) and? So? don’t they have every right? Yes they do indeed, but sadly the locals rights are vanished bulldozed aside by the money grabbing tourist industry, we have no large supermarket, oh how jolly quaint! No it’s a royal pain in the bum if you actually live here and want to buy food! Why no supermarket? Because the holidaymakers wont like it is the equally annoying reply!!

Want to buy a pint of milk? Tough queue for what seems an eternity behind swarms of rude queue jumping bright red invaders!! Want to park your car closer then 3 miles from your house? Better have off road parking then buddy, we cant possibly have permit parking what would the holidaymakers say!!

I am you may be surprised to hear not against holidaymakers, its people on the whole! Well queue jumping, swearing, owners of ill behaved children people who seem incapable of walking faster than a snails pace without taking over the entire pavement who tut if you dare to actually try and overtake them because I don’t know, you have to buy some cigarettes before work!!!

Me, I’m glad that I have to work all bank holiday weekend now how many people would say that!?

Thanks for listening, the bald one saying goodbye and farewell, look after yourselves and each other!


Now....GO!  Visit BaldyChaz's blog and show him some lovin'.  Just don't forget to take your sunglasses, because if England is having a sunny day he might blind you if he's not wearing a hat!  In case you missed it above (or your ADHD kicked into overdrive)...his blog can be found here .... rantings of a bald man.  Now go, and don't embarrass me (overly much)!


Jewell  =)  xo

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Guest Post - Motoring with Maggie by Stuart Nager

Hello my loverlies!  Well as you know I am off being drug out of my well worn chair at home to go on a business trip, and I put out a plea to fellow bloggers to help me out with some guest posts.

One of my newest BFFs is the wonderful, sweet, funny, and creative Stuart Nager.  He has 2 wonderful blogs that you definitely need to go read.  His brain is clearly more prolific than mine to be able to put out so many wonderful posts!  So, once you are done reading his guest post here in my little corner of insanity...go visit both of his blogs...bornstoryteller and Tale Spinning

Thank you Stuart.  I can't thank you enough for not only making me laugh with your story, but with stepping up to help me.

Now...without further adieu....


Motoring with Maggie

It was smooth sailing down the New York State Thruway. Maggie had been quiet for almost 90 miles. 90 miles of beautiful peace and quiet. Magster was not normally the silent type when driving. She’d rattle this off or that every few miles, sometimes more than that.

And repeating? Again and again, like a cd with a bad scratch  that you could never fix. “I heard you the first time,” I’d sometimes say aloud, but I knew it fell on deaf ears.  Most times I tried to ignore it. Most times. Today…today, for some reason, was different.

Maggie & I had been together a little over two years. Two years! I needed her, but I wish I didn’t.  It’s not good when you NEED… yet, going back alone just wasn’t what I was ready for.  Sometimes she led me astray, and that was…ok. You need to change things up a bit. The rest of the time, straight and narrow. Kinda boring, but…I knew what to expect.

We were approaching an exit, and she told me to get off here. I didn’t say anything, but continued driving.  Silence. Dead silence.


“Recalculating. Take the next exit, on your right.”
“No, Maggie, I will not. I know a better way.”
“Turn right at the next exit.”

Stunned, I looked at Maggie. Her screen was blinking maps in a configuration that was making my head spin.


I slowed down, looked left and right. Only one John Deere tractor chugging down the road. I started to turn into the right lane, then said fuck it.

“No..I am NOT taking the next exit. I do not care if you have to recalculate! Screw you!”


I flipped her the bird and drove on past the exit.


I lost complete control of the car. The steering would not obey. The car drove off the side of the road, down the bank, into a very large not very soft tree.  The next thing I know, a State Trooper has pulled me out of the car. I must have said something to the effect, in a stupor, that “ha ha Maggie. You are dead!!” a couple of times. I was hauled off to the jail, and no one believes me.

They are looking for Maggie now.


Now....GO!  Visit Stuart's blogs and show him some lovin'.  Just don't make it creepy kinda lovin' or he may never come back to play!  In case you missed it above (or your ADHD kicked into overdrive)...his blogs can be found here .... bornstoryteller and Tale Spinning.  Now go, and don't embarrass me (overly much)!


Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, April 25, 2011

Mugshot Monday 4/25/11

Ok, kiddies...time to play "Guess what the big ninny is thinking!"  Leave your thoughts in the comments section below!  =)

As be the judge!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Friday, April 22, 2011

Friday Moment 4/22/11

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from sometime ... anytime

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Happy weekend, y'all!

Jewell  =)  xo

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Thursday Chuckles 4/21/11

Ok...I know that I've been missing a couple of days (downside), but, from what I've been able to tell, no one has really missed me (upside?).

In any case, I've been busy trying to get my act together (oh shut up!) so that I can go on a business trip next week.  I hate going on business trips (downside), but I will be packing my camera for the trip (upside?).  So, hopefully I'll be able to get some pictures to bludgeon you lovely people with that are of something other than Missouri landscapes.

In the meantime...since I'm going to be on this trip I'm asking for some help.  I need a guest post, at the very least, for Tuesday.  If I get more than one I can make all of next week guest post week.  So if you want to put your funny on and come dance around for free blog exposure while I'm busy let me know! 

Ok...on to the chuckles for today...enjoy!  =)

Ok...that is just the most disgusting pair of pants EVER!  Any man that would wear these is a complete douchebag!

Mimes are just plain creepy!  All hail the Unicorns...the great mime destroyers!

I just adore this cat's face!  This is the face that I make in my head in response to most things anyone says!

Yeeeeaaaah!  They forgot to mention "hold on for your fucking life".....damn cabbies drive like the apocalypse is riding their bumper!

Have an awesome one, and, don't forget, if you are willing to ho yourself for free blog exposure by doing a guest post here, don't hesitate to let me know either by the Contact link in the top of the right column or leaving a comment to this post!

Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, April 18, 2011

Mugshot Monday 4/18/11

At first, I was thinking this guy was one of those "monks" that hung out at the airports a few hundred years ago, but those guys were bald.  Then...I enlarged his mugshot and changed my mind thinking that there was a really good chance that his clothes got lost along the way.  Maybe...I hope not...I don't really want to know...

I don't be the judge!

Jewell  =)  xo

Friday, April 15, 2011

Friday Moment 4/15/11

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from sometime ... anytime

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Have a beautiful weekend!!!!

Jewell  =)  xoxo

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Thursday Chuckles 4/14/11

Ummm...Yeah....?  Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?  Duh!

Yeeeeaaaah!  Are editors a thing of the past?  Because I'm thinking this probably isn't worded the way it should be. doesn't matter the species...the excuses of men are all the same!

No thanks.  I enjoy the new cow smell too much...errrr....
Chuckle your way into a belly laugh!

Jewell  =)  xo

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Media Hilarity - 4/13/11

And here is this week's edition of stupidity and insanity that is our world...

     Seattle school renames Easter eggs 'Spring Spheres'!  Can we just ONCE give the fuck up on the politically correct bullshit please!?  I am not, nor have I ever been, religious, and I can say from experience that I am not scarred for life because I called them fucking EASTER EGGS!!!

     Lincoln Man Arrested For Praying Naked really this is bad enough.  However, the real clincher to this story that made me go W----T----F?!?!  The last line of the story..."Akon was arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure."  Really?  How much suspicion is there really when the po-po finds him butt ass nekkid?  I think seeing it with their own eyes pretty much moves it well within the realm of fact.

     Murderer tells jury he'd like to kill them   Really?  If there was any bloody question about this guy's guilt or innocence, I think he probably unified the jury, the gallery, the judge, the witnesses, the lawyers, .....

     Man mauled after smoking pot gets work comp, says court   You have to be shitting me!  I couldn't believe this when I saw it.  Suuuuure...go ahead and commit a crime AND get paid for it. While you are at it, why don't you call yourself a celebritard and then you'll fit in perfectly in Hollywood.  I'm rooting for the bear to do a better job next time.  Asshat!

     Driver Snorting Heroin Nearly Hits Police Car   And yet again...this douche is the PERFECT reason why I will never run out of material for my blog posts.  I have nothing more to add, because, honestly, how the hell can even I improve on  such perfection!!!

Have a lovely, and laughter filled day!

Jewell  =)  xo

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

My fantasticalness and something I found-ish

I am going to preface this post with an overly lengthy disclaimer!

I'm sick.

*mumble* *grumble*

Shut it! And NO! I don't mean I am mentally ill! You people already know that's the case. The fact is I have a cold that's trying to kick my ass, and, coincidentally, is the not so distant cousin of the one that almost made me commit hari kari in December. This one has been working on me since last Wednesday, so by Friday I gave in and went to the Doctor so that I could get over it quicker.

However, something sad happened when I went to the Doctor's office (Yes the your tiniest violin is in order for this, so I will wait while you retrieve yours...back?  ok...good!  It's about time, slackers!) so I could get something to kick back at this cold. He gets done sticking things in my ears, nose, and throat. Asking me questions not once, but twice. Then, turns around and writes his nasty, judgmental little notes about the orifices located in my head and asks, "Do you need a note for work?"

Now, mind you, my first reaction was to laugh. Why? Because, my immediate reaction would have probably been to cry, AND because I have never been one to master the pretty cry. Instead I have the certificate to prove that I am the official world record holder in the Guinness World Record Book for "World's Ugliest, Put a Plastic Bag Over Her Head and Make Her STOP Crier" So rather than terrify the poor Doctor with a visual like that (especially since he hadn't yet handed me my prescriptions), I opted to laugh.

I work for myself. Well, on paper I actually work for the husband him. I told the Doctor that and he sat there and laughed at me. WTF? If he hadn't been holding on to my prescriptions as he doubled over with laughter (thereby burying them somewhere in the folds of stomach and doctor's coat), tears creating a puddle on the floor, and cracking his head on the little counter I would have kicked him in the shins. HARD. Bastard!

I also would have huffed in indignation at my treatment once getting the prescriptions in my fevered little hands, but there's an excellent chance the only thing that I would have accomplished would have been slime-ing the office, and my prescriptions, in snot like something out of Ghost Busters! I decided against it because I didn't want to get arrested for assault slimed prescriptions might put off the pharmacist from filling them and giving me my badly needed drugs.  You may now "Oooo!" and "Ahhhh!" at the quality of my restraint in such matters.

So anyway...I'm sick. If any all of this doesn't make sense....bite me. Nahner!

So first things first.

I was blessed with yet another award!


*big shit eating grin*

This time I received the Versatile Blogger Award from

Some of you might know that I am an aspiring photographer.  If you didn't have prior knowledge of this....consider yourself informed!  I love taking photos (which is why all you lovelies get beat with at least one of them every Friday), and a dream is to be able to make money from them.

So, while I am not there (yet), I have guilty, chocolate like pleasures when it comes to good photography.  I can sit for hours looking at awe inspiring photos.  Jim and his wife pay their bills in Florida by taking beautiful wedding photos, but my favorites are the nature photos that Jim posts.  His pictures are absolutely amazing....  If you've never been over to visit his blog, and you love beautiful photos...Jim's blog is a must stop!!

Thank you Jim!  I am honored that you consider my little corner of insanity a "Jewell in the blog universe".

Now, on to the thing that I found-ish.  I was recently digging through some old photos I had taken.  During the dig I ran across a not particularly good picture I had taken with the husband him's camera during one of our many jaunts down to Arkansas to pad the pockets of our chiropractor.

The area has a huge lake, and everywhere you look on the way to the chiro's office there are resorts, signs for boat docks, hand tied lures, gas stations, rentals, blah, blah, blah.  This sign was located at one of those gas stations, and every time we drove by I'd laugh my fool head off at some of the stuff that would wander, unheeded, through my head when I saw it.  Yes!  I tend to amuse myself from time to time!

"What the hell did the minnows do to you?  Maybe the minnows think you are crappi!"

"And why sell crappi minnows?"

"Why the hell would you charge $.59/dozen for crappi minnows?"

"Why not get excellent minnows and charge $1.59 for 6 minnows?"

"You want to know what's crappi?  Your marketing!"

So anyway...there's all I've got. 

And no...there are no refunds on the time you lost sitting there reading this post!  Suck it up!

Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, April 11, 2011

Mugshot Monday 4/11/11

Dude! Dude? Duuuuuuuuuuude! Really?

Two words...

Hot mess! *shakes head*

Neither Willie nor Santa would be impressed with you trying to combine their looks...

As always, you be the judge!

Jewell =) xo

Friday, April 8, 2011

Friday Moment 4/8/11

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from sometime ... anytime

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Wishing you a relaxing weekend!!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Thursday Chuckles 4/7/11

The internet me is going "Weeeee! It's Thursday!"

The real life me right now is going "Fuck!  It's Thursday!"  

Have a chucklicious day!  =) 

Jewell  =)  xo

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Media Hilarity - 4/6/11

Stupid people make me soooooooooo happy!  =-)

     Denver Fire's arson van set on fire  Niiiiiiiiiiice!  

     2,500 rubber ducks stolen from Ill. police academy   Being an Illinois native...I really didn't even want to read about this (I did, but I didn't want to).  I know how Illinois cops operate, so to read that the ACADEMY was missing RUBBER DUCKIES...really, just didn't come as any kind of surprise to me.

     US man leaves behind t-shirt printed with own face at house he burgled   And then there are people like THIS out there who are some of the types of people that, literally, put a face to the good ol' U. S. of A.  Way to go dumb shit!  The only fucking thing lamer than wearing a fucking t-shirt with your own damned picture on it is NOT having your name, social security number, address, and phone number of your mother's basement listed on the back.

     Man Brings Beer to DWI Court Appearance   Wow!  Just Wow!  How this guy manages to carry his balls around is impressive! least he brought extra for his buddies in blue!  Moron!

     Thieves flee ATM heists in golf carts   Really?  Hey!  Numbnuts!  Push scooters might have been, not only smarter, but maybe faster?  Go old school, asshole!  Go green!  Use your own damned feet...make it easier for the police dog salivating on the back window to puncture your ass like his favorite tennis ball.  Police dogs need to have fun too!

Have an wicked cool day!!

Jewell  =)  xo

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I got nuthin.... I am having one of those days where I am worn out and my brain has pretty well just shut off.  So, you lucky lovelies get subjected to some recent photography. 

The husband was suffering from cabin fever this weekend (ironically in the middle of a load of laundry).  It was Sunday and it was hotter and windier than it's been yet this year.  Because I'm easy to persuade into procrastinating, and because my picture taking finger is itching to get back out and take shots, I folded like a house of cards.

I'm not overly happy with any of these, not that where we ended up was a very photographic place to begin with, but I am sharing them with you anyway. 

Feedback always welcome (good or bad)....

First two are the same in color and one in black and white.  Neither of them makes me happy, but I think the black and white version is the one I prefer.

Pic 1 - I had high hopes for this picture on the way home...unfortunately it disappointed me....

Pic 2 - this version makes me happier, but not happy enough!

Pic 3 - a bridge over a dry creek bed, and what little green I could find on the trail

Pic 4 - This is a bed of moss that was at the base of a tree.  Moss fascinates me because it comes in so many shades and textures.  This one looks almost like a bed of fluffy feathers...

Pic 5 - same tree base, different section of moss with grass, and some fallen bark sitting on the pillow of moss

So there ya have it! =)  I'm ready for the trees to get some leaves so I can head out and get some scenery pictures without the nekkid trees...  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, April 4, 2011

Mugshot Monday 4/4/11

Ok...first there was the crazy astronaut lady who traveled cross country (in a diaper no less) to stalk her lover from Nasa.  But, honestly, aren't all of them, not just the iffy minded ones, required to take off the space suits before they leave Nasa property??


As always, you be the judge...

Jewell  =)  xo

Friday, April 1, 2011

Friday Moment 4/1/11

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from sometime ... anytime

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Have an awesometastic weekend!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo