Thursday, March 31, 2011

Thursday Chuckles 3/31/11

In my real life...I abhor Thursdays, but in bloggy land I love it!  =)

Yeeeeeah!  Thanks.  No.  Your food tastes shitty enough.

Bahaha...this made me laugh like a hopped up chipmunk!!

DOH!  Do alligator molesters need to register with local authorities.  Or, wait!  Are alligator molesters still breathing?


Yeah.  Thanks.  I think I can handle tossing my salad just fine without paying you to do it for me.  On second thought!

Have a chuckletastic day!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Media Hilarity - 3/30/11

Ahhh...I've been saving these up for some time...but damned if they aren't deliciously stupid!!  =)

    Man assaults brother with muffler   Wow!  I grew up as an only child, so wedgies, noogies, slug bugs, etc - not something that I encountered unless I was spending the night with a friend.  However, had I had a sibling, and had I chose to settle the argument with a muffler, I'm pretty sure that my mother might have just run me over with the whole car.  Really?  A muffler?

    She's hoping to win on a peel    Oh didn't read that wrong.  A peel is actually accurate.  I'm thinking that her defense is "Tom & Jerry made me do it" 

    Confused elephant 'has sex with a car'    Who knew that Volkswagen Passat's had such sex appeal?!  All of those bored middle aged men apparently have it all wrong...Ferraris, Corvettes, Motorcycles, not nearly as sexually arousing as a Volkswagen Passat

    Rampaging goats accused of Nigeria election sabotage   You know...I really think that Nigeria might be on to something with this?  Rampaging goats can't be any worse during election time than the willy waving, brown nosing, liars that stand a podiums trying to convince me that their bullshit is more believable than the opponent's bullshit.  Bring on the goats I say!!!

    Big-screen TV stolen in reverse prison break   Aaaaannnnnd - THESE GUYS are soooo what keeps my blog moving along!  Shit for brains might actually be an improvement over what they are currently operating with...dumb asses!

Have a chuckle-tastic day!! 

Jewell  =)  xo

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Give me a fucking break!!!

You know...there are just some things that go on in the world today that make me just want to fucking .....

I've listed, or ranted on, some of those things over time here. one of them!

So, I was working yesterday, as I tend to do every day of the week being the good, self employed drone that I am.  I see this article title (mind you this is only one of many varieties of this story all over the blasted internet)...

My first reaction was to laugh.  Seriously!  Come on, the American judicial system has many fucked up quirks.  Some I agree with, most of them I don't.  My first thought though...about this...spoof news.  You know, like you would expect to see on The Onion or some other such website.

Always looking for a good laugh, I looked at the article.  Then I just got fucking pissed off.

This bullshit is TRUE! You have got to be fucking kidding me! it really ANY surprise to ANYone that Willie Nelson has been caught with pot on his tour bus?  No!  In fact, at this point, I'm pretty sure that his number of possession charges outnumbers all of my fingers and toes combined; even the mutant extras that I keep hidden from the world.

However, laws state (a severely simplified version of course)
- marijuana (or any other drugs deemed illegal) = illegal
- person caught in possession of marijuana (or any other drugs deemed illegal) = bad
Go to jail.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.

Now, granted, the amount of jail time actually administered to the "bad" people tends to vary based on how much of the drug they have in their possession.  Repeat offenders are generally, over time, given increased time in rehab the pokey.  Joe Dickwad in the alley, on the wharf, down by the river....not much leway.  Eventually his rope will give out and his stay will be longer.  The cycle...probably one of the biggest jokes out there, but still a cycle.  One that every person breaking the law and getting caught must endure.

Everyone BUT celebritards (I still love you for this word Asha!) like, sing for your freedom wank master!  

To the point where I find myself mentally swimming a bright red haze of anger.  Don't get me wrong...I'm not damning good ol' Willie Nelson (whom, I'd like to make clear, I have no love for on a personal level but will admit to liking a song or two).  However, the list of professional celebrity idiots who break the laws AND get away with it lights my fuse about as fast as anything.  In fact, the list of names stacked one on top of the other would probably be longer than I am tall.

And it's not just that they keep getting away with the same shit time and time again, but then there's the fucking news that has to smear their complete and worthless lives into my world.  The last time Lindsey Lohan went in front of the judge for her drug violation...I chanted "Put the bitch in jail!  Do your fucking job you dickless pansy!  Put the bitch in jail!" one listens to me...

Now, ok, so if all of that wasn't enough to piss me off when I finally figured out that this article was the real deal.  I skimmed the want to know what my eyes landed on?  You really want to know what made my blood boil?  2 quotes.  2 fucking solitary quotes.  From the county attorney (the prosecutor)...

"'Hudspeth County Attorney Kit Bramblett said: ‘I’m gonna let him plead, pay a small fine and he’s gotta sing “Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain” with his guitar right there in the courtroom.’"

Slow boil...

Then this one...

"'He added: ‘You bet you’re a** I ain’t gonna be mean to Willie Nelson.’"

Full on, wipe-everything-out-in-it's-path rage....
ARE   ----   YOU  ----  FUCKING  ----  KIDDING ---- ME?????????

You are the fucking PROSECUTING ATTORNEY!  

It's your damned job to be an asshole!  

It's right at the top of your fucking job description to be "mean" to EVERY-fucking-BODY!

Oh...wait!  Here's a thought for both the "Judge" and the prosecutor....



Jewell  =)  ox

Monday, March 28, 2011

Mugshot Monday 3/28/11


Rule one!   NEVER piss off your hair stylist.

Rule two!  NEVER get out of the chair for - any - reason until the hair cut is finished.  Seriously!
(this is so guys have to see this!!! *snort*)

You be the always!  =)

Jewell  =)  ox

Friday, March 25, 2011

Friday Moment 3/25/11

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from sometime ... anytime

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Thursday, March 24, 2011

I've bounced about again!!

Hello my lovelies.  I've had a bit of a rough time of it this week.  My mom's birthday was this week, and I wasn't dealing well with my loss of her.  Most of Tuesday (her birthday) was spent in an enormous weepy rut.  It's part of the reason why I missed out on my Media Hilarity post on Wednesday.  For this I apologize...I promise to make up for it next week.

In order to get past and work through all the stuff that was roiling around in my head I had to type it out.  It resulted in a mountain of kleenex, and a letter to my mom.

I emailed the letter to my beautiful friend sister Lisa over at The Widow Lady.  Her beautiful, educational, supportive, loving blog is a soft place for her readers to fall who grieve the loss of loved ones.  I wasn't sure she wanted the letter or that she would want to share it.  She is sharing my letter today on her blog.  If you would like to read my letter to my mom, I invite you over to Lisa's blog to check it out. 

Back to my Friday Moment tomorrow, and the funny next week!

Jewell  =)  xo

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Oooo - Lookie!!!

Ok folks!  It seems that I am about due for some housekeeping around here, and frankly, since it's nothing like real housekeeping, I have no problem with it!  =)

I got a bit behind around here because, in case you all missed it, I was busy blog hopping a lot of last week.  First, I jet-setted my way to the UK to visit my sweet friend (and partner in crime since she let me loose from Ron's basement) SJ at Almost there.  While I was there I took a shower in On The Move.

Then, I took a red eye back to Detroit Rock City (shout out to KISS...loove 'em!) to visit Ron at If I Had a Blog!, who apparently didn't learn his lesson the first time he invited me over.  While I was there blood was shed and humping may have occured in The [Near] Death of a Salesman.

And lastly I hopped and skipped my way down to sunny Florida (while the hostess was on vacation - think there is some subliminal message to be had there), to the blog of the lovely Jess for her Saturday night rant on Finding One's Way, AND she let me swear!  Ahhhh...such a relief!!  =)  My trip over there was...well, a bit rant-like with donkeys humping chihuahuas in Conversation with my husband...

So, with all of that winging around I am finally back home in the middle of nowhere, and severely behind on my duties of acknowledging people's acknowledgments of my bullshit awesome!

"Noooooooooooooo!  Not again!"  I hear you cry!

But oh yes!  Yes...I've been blessed with 3 more awards.


Yes...3.  And my favorite number on top of it.  I'm sure that means that because I've gotten 3 awards that my blogging prowess is on the verge of making me gajillions of buckola.  Please!  Don't panic!  I've got your back, stalkers.  I'll always remember the little people that helped me to reach the goals so many strive for!!  Muwahahahaha! these aren't in any kind of order really, other than the fact that my slight tendencies toward being OCD need to try and keep this evened out a little bit....clumps bug me! this lovely award is from Alejandro over at Raising Amelie.  He calls ME a nutso, and while that might be only slightly correct, it stands to reason that, in this instance, it takes one to know one. =-p

A (as I tend to refer to him because I'm lazy) is one of my staunch stalkers supporters, and he always manages to make me laugh.  He tries to pretend that it's some huge deal to make him actually laugh out loud.  I feel comfortable in saying that I have found the right buttons and make him laugh (maybe even giggle a little bit) more times than he cares to admit publicly.  I forgive him...he's a man, and what man likes to admit on a regular basis that I've made him giggle like Minnie Mouse. 

So, A, while you did break the rules of your award by giving this to me...I forgive you, and I appreciate the fact that you thought of me!  *thunks you upside the back of the head with the plastic sand shovel because you probably deserve it*

And this adorable award is from my ever present (and eerily quiet) stalker SciFi Chick of Bacon And Eggs gave me this blog award.  (Yes Sci...I know you are out there.  I can hear you "snorking"!!)

Now Sci is not just a blogging buddy, but she's an awesome internet friend.  The husband him met her first via a chat room, and he was always saying "She's so funny.  You need to join the chat, I think you would like her."  I'm not big on chats...I've got too much on my To Do list that I always feel flooded.  Since then, though, we've become friends through Facebook.   She's the jelly to my peanut butter!  HA!  =)  As a result, I have since absconded with her as my friend, leaving the husband him to cry that I stole her from him.  =)  *snicker*

However, even though we are friends, it's so very clear that we've never met in person because the award she gave me was the "Stylish Blogger Award".  There is nothing stylish about me...  I mean really, the last I checked "redneck" really hasn't ever made a big impression in the fashion world. visit SciFi!  And tell her I said "Hi!"   Because, when she's eerily quiet...everyone needs to be worried!  A quiet Sci is never a good means she plotting something!

And last, but not least is my long lost adoptive father, Ron over at If I Had a Blog! who gave me this award (look familiar?).

Here's what he had to say about me when he cleaned off his shelf and gave me this award: "Irreverent, sassy and frankly lousy about cleaning up the sandbox, Jewell is in fact a jewell! I love her take on everything and she is a talent to be reckoned with on many levels. Intellect, humor, and photographic genius…always worth a visit."

I called bullshit on the whole "she is a talent to be reckoned with" statement.  However, even I couldn't help but agree that I am worth a visit!  =)  If I wasn't, you all wouldn't be brainwashed enough to keep coming back, giving me awards, and asking me to wring my one operational brain cell for guest posts!  =)

Of course, being caught red handed trying to pitch bullshit about the ethernet, he THEN had the gall to try and butter me up with "you are very talented...and crazy...and a little scary"!  Can you believe it!  I wasn't having any of it though...especially after he said I was lousy at cleaning up his sandbox when I didn't even get off the swing!

Ron is hilarious, and probably a little on the psychotic side, which, frankly, kinda says a lot about why he keeps coming back for more of me, and has been since I started this blog.  Masochist!

So....thank you to all of you that have followed me on my globe trotting adventures, and who've passed on awards to me!  I do appreciate it!  Sincerely!  Honestly!  Cross my heart and all the shit.

But, the rules?  Yeah...all of you can bite me....I don't do rules!  Unless they are my own, and, even then, it's sketchy!

*queenly wave*

Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, March 21, 2011

Mugshot Monday 3/21/11

Ok....I have to confess.  Normally I will read the articles that accompany the pictures that are included for this awesome display of the world's mental midgets feature.  I mean come on!  If they are bright enough to end up on here for their sheer commodity of hotness, and if there is remotely even one kernel of stupidity that I can capitalize on in their "story"...reading the articles are a must.  However, this is one instance where reading the article (or watching the video)...not necessary.

Seriously!  The picture, in the freeze frame, at the beginning of the video about this, clearly, upstanding woman of Arizona society...PRICELESS!

Adorable even!

No words necessary.

Trust me!  (If you dare!)

You be the judge...but I already know I'm right!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Peek-a-boo!! =)

Hello all my loverlies!  Guess what happened (again)!

No...not another award.  Yet.  I am sure that it's only a matter of time that my awesomeness will, once again be recognized!  =)

No, this time, someone has asked me to vomit produce another guest post for them.  =)

This time, my maniacal sweet, hysterical (as in funny and sanity) and versatile blogging friend Jessica over at Finding One's Way asked me to step in and help her out while she's off getting a much needed vacation (bitch).  =)

So...start your week off with a fresh dose of my insanity with my Saturday Night Rant!  =)

Conversation with my husband...

Go!  Have fun at my expense (like usual)!!  =)

Jewell  xo  =)

Friday, March 18, 2011

Friday Moment 3/18/11

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from sometime ... anytime

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Have a relaxing weekend my lovelies!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Thursday Chuckles 3/17/11

How convenient for me that St. Patrick's Day fell on Thursday Chuckles day!  Why?  Because I adore love worship Maxine!  Yes...I worship a cartoon character...shut it!  She's my idol and I am going to grow up to be just like her!!!   You just wait and see!!!

May the blessing of light be on you—
light without and light within.
May the blessed sunlight shine on you
and warm your heart
till it glows like a great peat fire.

Jewell  =)  xo

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Media Hilarity & Another Guest Post

Ok...I know that I missed out on doing the media hilarity for last week, but since I didn't get any hate mail or hate comments then I'm guessing you guys didn't miss it all that much!

That's's not like I'm hurt or anything.  Tears?  Oh, those are nothing.  I have an eyelash in my eye!  =-p  *snort*

Anywho...I've recently sensed a theme of drunken stupidity in some articles that I've come across...I lumped them together for your viewing pleasure!  =)

    Former president of MADD arrested on DUI charge

    Drunk driver rams SUV into S. LA sober house

Ok...I'm sensing a micro theme with those 2.  Honestly though, the cops might have a breakthrough idea in assisting law enforcement.  This gal may be a drunk genius in a worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle kinda way.  All hail the mighty Skating Rink!

    Drunken woman pulls herself over

Disclaimer:: Please note that Jewell in no way endorses anyone to go out and drink and drive!  Not even water!  Just say no!  However, please be aware that if you could end up on here for all to mock...

Now...if you weren't entertained nearly enough...I also have a guest post up over at Ron's playground again!  Apparently he didn't learn his lesson the first time he invited me over.  *shakes head*  Men!!  Go visit now...there was was gory...GO - NOW!

Jewell  =)  ox

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Can You Believe It??

People keep wanting me to go drop by their blogs and corrupt their readers guest post! 


I know!  That's my reaction too!

Of course, there might be a little bit of a caveat.  Technically I wasn't actually asked personally for this guest post.  It was more of an actual broad plea to the masses for help.  But being the sensitive and brilliant sort, I was able to tell by the generic-ness of the was a plea subconsciously directed at me.

This time I am over playing at my wonderful blog buddy SJ's blog Almost There.  Truth be told, once I caved committed to giving her a post she taunted me with the key to get out of Ron's basement as a reward.

So anyway...go read the story about me taking a shower. 

There may or may not be pictures!  *shrug*  Your choice!  =)

Now go...bathe in that which is my ridiculousness!

Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, March 14, 2011

Mugshot Monday 3/14/11

I'm thinkin' that the tailor had his hug myself jacket ready for his fitting....

As always, you be the judge....

Jewell  =)  xo

Friday, March 11, 2011

Friday Moment 3/11/11

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from sometime ... anytime

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Have an awesome weekend everyone!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Thursday Chuckles 3/10/11

Damn Pigeons!  I knew they couldn't be trusted!!!

And what the hell are we supposed to do with the orphans??

And you thought I couldn't see you people!  Now you know when I say I'm keeping my eye on you.....

Dammit!  First our money and NOW our elevators???

*snort*  Bahahahahahaha

Have an awesome day my dears!

Jewell  =)  xo

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I really, really, REALLY hope this is fake - sorta

The husband him and I met over the internet back when I was in college, and back when the internet was Telnet.

And one time I was geeky enough to know enough code and command line prompts that I could actually use Telnet.  Thanks to the Devil and his farts...I've officially been dumbed down like the rest of the PC using society.  Pretty sure at this point, were I confronted with Telnet, I'd just end up drowning my keyboard in drool like some big sweaty ape of a man OD'ing on internet porn.

It was also at a time when, in the Chicago area, there was a serial killer meeting girls on the internet and burying them in the back yard.  Needless to say, my parents weren't OVERLY thrilled with the idea that I was actually moving to be with this guy.  However, in retrospect, the reason they probably put a boot up my ass to get me out of the state didn't put up too much of a fuss was because he was in Las Vegas and not Chicago.  I'd like to think that they might have put up more of a fight to keep me alive if the pre-husband him had lived in Chicago.

In any case, outside of the internet and a bar, I don't really know if video dating was really a real way to meet people for dates.  Having grown up in a fairly rural part of the state at all times, after a while video dating just wouldn't cut it.  I mean there aren't really that many varieties to the (a) down home hick sucking on a piece of grass one minute and spitting his chaw on your shoe and tipping the neighbor's cow the next and (b) guys from "the other side of the tracks" who insisted on wearing black leather trench coats, in 90 degree temps with 90% humidity that smoked "cigarettes" and drove cool cars.

That being said, the husband him sent me this video clip.  I have to say that I am about 89.9999% convinced that it's a fake, but, since I am continually shocked at the mental incapacity of stupid people, I still have hearty faith there are awesome video dating application tapes floating around out there somewhere! cracked me up, and, had my parents been charged with setting me up in an arranged marriage with either this guy or the pre-husband him...they still would have picked the pre-husband him (I hope)!  =)


Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, March 7, 2011

Mugshot Monday 3/7/11

First, a side note before the silliness.  I want to do a shout out to my fellow shoe whore, Asha of Random Ramblings of an Agnostic Mom and her beloved husband.  See, her husband is one of our brave American soldiers, and he just returned home on leave from the Middle East this weekend.  Now, don't get me wrong...Asha and her beloved are undoubtedly very busy doing the horizontal tango spending precious time together with their kids and getting reacquainted, so they won't probably see this.  However, I'm putting it out there so they can see it when they come up for air later.

Mr Asha...thank you for your service and bravery to and for our country.  There are no words to express how much my husband and I appreciate all that you and your friends do to help keep our country, and those of our friends, safe.  Miz Asha....thank you for being the fantastically strong woman you are, and thank you for your service to our country as one of our incredible military families.  I, personally, appreciate all that you both are and do.  Thank you both....  Now...please feel free to resume your extracurricular activities!  =)  xoxo

Ok...back to the ridiculousness of the day that has become Mugshot Monday!  =)

Wow!  Who knew that Stephen King had hit the skids so's a shame!

As always, you be the judge!

Jewell  =)  xo

Friday, March 4, 2011

Friday Moment 3/4/11

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from sometime ... anytime

A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember

Have a unique and beautiful weekend my loverlies!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Thursday Chuckles - 3/3/11

I love people who are self aware!  I'll be he'll make the Canadian version of detective!

Dammit!  I need a dog who's not peroxide challenged!  =)

Reeeeaaaaally???   And the fine print of the sign?  "Art & Services"

Awesome!  Just awesome on so many levels!!!

Wow!  I knew times were rough, but..........
Have an awesome day, me lovelies!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Media Hilarity - 3/2/2011

Well are some real wieners winners for this week.  I'm feeling a little off my funny game today, so I picked some of the more expressive article titles for today's edition!  Enjoy!!  =)

Back to normal tomorrow....

Jewell  =)  xo

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Devil Made Me Do It

The little bastard ruining my weekend!
Yeah!  I can hear you thinking out there in the bloggyverse!  I don't appreciate it!  =-p

Hey you!  Yeah!  You!  Stop thinking THAT!  That's just disgusting, and, I'm pretty sure, is outlawed in several countries!  *shudder* for the rest of you....Don't judge a post by it's title, dammit!

So.  Apparently there is cause for me to clear up those misconceptions you've all just conjured up in your wee minds.  Allow me to explain. 

*collective groan*

I heard that! 

The explanation will only take a mere 8 words (well 9 if you include the part of the statement that was my fingers getting ahead of my brain).  =)

I spent the ENTIRE fucking weekend reinstalling my laptop!
Not me...but what I was seriously considering to "fix" the problem.  Minus the whole wheat grass crap!  Who needs that shit on their desk?  Does she suffer from a severe case of hairballs??  AND how many pencils does one REALLY need when there is clearly no paper within a 10 block radius???
Now, those 8 (or 9) words should explain everything about the title. 

"But why?", I hear you ask with cautious trepidation.

Because!  It is a KNOWN fact, in the computer world, that PCs are the spawn of the devil.  Windows in particular!  (Regardless of what operating system you are enslaved to.)  Windows is the result of a particularly feral, overpowering, eyeball blistering, nose melting, throat burned to ash stench that could only be a result of.............................................................................................................................the Devil's farts.

Oh!  Look who dropped by!  The horned one himself!  Grrr
That's right!

I said it!

Windows is a crafty compilation of the Devil's farts.

"How do you figure?", I hear you thinking to yourself in stunned silence (because you really don't want to ask, but, because it's my blog, I'm making you think ask it anyway).


Really?  Do I truly need to say more?

*sigh*  Fine!  It's because, once released, the putrid smell will linger, and linger until the end of time, and then, suddenly and without warning, there's shit all over the place.

Do you get it yet??  Geeeeeeeeeeeeez!  I need to explain, everything!

And, to top it all off, what sort of sympathy did I get from some of the people I'm friends with on FB (like my former choral director)?

"I've got a Mac."

*blink*  *blink*  Thanks?  Jerk!

Still not me....but....yeah - what she said!
Bill Gates and his minions are a bunch of spent douches.

Oh! Yeah!  In case you were wondering, the answer is........ YES!  I'm fucking bitter!

Jewells  =)  xo