Monday, January 31, 2011

Mugshot Monday 1/31/11

Hip Hip Horray!  Mugshot Monday!

Yeah - that's the best rhyming that I can do...I'm not my blog buddy Rachel...she's waaaay better at that sort of thing than I am!  =)  lol

So anywho...I am late in getting this post up because I've been racing around like a fucking chicken with my head cut off trying to get food for all of the 4-legged and 2 legged bodies that live in my immediate vicinity because, in case you live under a bloody rock and haven't heard...we are going to get a fuck load of ice and snow in the next 48 - 72 hours.  Now, I know that you can tell that my normally sunny disposition (1) is still in tact just by that very description.  However, my weather man is on my TV right now threatening me and my current mood-cast is starting to get cloudy with a strong chance of super-bitchy.  So I am going to work on getting some posts scheduled ahead of time on the off chance that we have power outages around these rural parts.

So this week's genius was chosen for his freaktastic appearance (when aren't they?).  This is another one of those instances where the actual story doesn't add or detract from this dude's fashionista ways...but I would say that Charles Mason is dreamboat HOT compared to this guy!!!  What do you think??  =)

(1)  Oh shut it, you cynical batch of loons.  Don't make me dig out my fresh Jumbo-Ginormous sized can of Whoop-Ass when I was at the store today buying supplies.  Don't make me open it up already!!!

You be the judge....  =)
Jewell  =)  xo

Friday, January 28, 2011

Whistle while you work...or chase the ball...BALL!!

I know...I know.  Normally I post a Friday Funny video, but, frankly, I haven't come across any - suck it up and put your big girl/boy pants on.  Oh - and if you are crossing over gender unders - please keep it to yourself. *shudder*  You know who YOU are!  0_o

Anywho......some smart person or another once said "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life."........or something like that. *flits hand around dismissively*  In any case, since I'm no where near this point in my employment, it was heartwarming to learn that even the four-legged among us subscribe to this theory.

So instead of a funny video I bring you an inspirational photo of a police dog who is very proud of the good work he performs for the citizens in the state of Ohio. How can you not love this???  LOL

Now - you can't tell me he's not proud of his hard work!  Look at him puff out his chest and that big cheesy grin!!
So...take a lesson from one of Ohio's finest  (it must be time for the weekend because that part came out like this when I typed it "take a lesson from this lesson from from one of Ohio's finest"....apparently editing is NECESSARY at the end of the week!!!  *sigh*)...if he can like his job, you can too.  And - if worse comes to worse, have one of your co-workers throw a tennis ball for you to chase.

Make it an awesome weekend my loverlies!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Thursday Chuckles - 1/27/11

Well, back to the usual funny stuff... =)  Enjoy  =-)

Jewell =) xo

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Media Hilarity - 1/26/11

Back to the insanity that is the media and the ridiculousness of their headlines!!  =)
Find your funny today!!  =)

Jewell =) xo

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

You know you are FUBAR when....

Ok, so with all this new found celebrity, it's a pretty good bet that actually posting new material...probably pretty fucking important. 

Unfortunately, sometimes trying to come up with funny material makes my brain cells cry keen LOUDLY like some wayward spirit who ended up as B roll on the cutting room floor of Dickens' "A Christmas Carol".

So, in an effort to find something to tickle a giggle out of my brain cells (which alone can be an utterly creepy activity that ALL of you should have to be a witness to), I went in search of that sexy little feather....and holy hell did I come up with a doozy!

Now, it's NO secret that people, in a grandiose majority, piss me off, irritate me, and generally make my foot itch and my leg twitch with an uncontrollable desire to plant my foot firmly in their ass in an effort to punt their heads off their shoulders.  So...these guys?  Oh DAMN!

I have a very short list of people to not mess of the list - IRS.  Those fuckers just need to have their fingers taken off at the wrist for trying to play a yearly game of pocket jockey with me.

Next on the list though, mobsters.  Now, don't get me wrong, just because I lived in Las Vegas for 7 very long fucking years that I'll never get back a short time, doesn't mean that I was snuggled up close and in any neon tinted, air conditioned personal space with any zoot suit types (though technically - I think the official touristy line is that there are no mobsters in Vegas - anymore *cough*).

However, these geniuses from Kentucky...either had really shitty luck, or ASTRONOMICALLY shitty luck.  Check it out....
"Three guys from Kentucky talked their way into a hair salon in South Philadelphia before it opened and then robbed the owner of her wedding ring, engagement ring and an expensive necklace. They were caught an hour later when police stopped them for driving the wrong way down a one-way street. In addition, it was subsequently revealed that their victim is the wife of a local mobster."    -- Courtesy of The Boston Herald

!Glub!  !Glub!  !Glub!  Hope they knew how to swim!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, January 24, 2011

Holy Shit! I'm awesome!

No really!  I have proof.  Proof so huge, awesomeness so blinding that Mugshot Monday - booted because of my self importance!

Now, because I care so about my underlings stalkers loving adoring readers, I extend this advice to you.  Sunglasses may be required to look my direction.  I mean my wonderousness can't be held responsible for fried retinas. 

However, being one of bad knees from doing stupid shit as I was growing up (*snort* yeah - like that EVER happened!)   (ummm - the growing up part, not the stupid shit part....the stupid shit part - that was real), I absolve you the need to kneel or bow in my presence.  However, kissing my ring - still necessary to avoid the gallows.

Ok - enough of this particular edition of bullshit.....well - kinda.

This weekend I was apparently picked to be one of the popular girls, by 2 of my favorite blog wonders.

This was first bestowed on me by Annie of the wildly crazy the day after yesterday.  What to say about Annie, if you don't know her already....  She's my sistah from another mother, from a different country, on a completely different birthday, with a crazy funny accent, and a gift of name calling that makes you feel both loved and adored, and, strangely, used and abused. 

The second was bestowed on me by Michele of the mentally off kilter musings of Bodacious Boomer.  What to say about Ms BB...well - she's crazy.  I laugh a lot at the blogs that I visit regularly.  Yet, so few of them have the ability to actually cause me to laughsnort.  Out loud even.  I mean...there is always one line minimum in every one of her posts that gets this reaction out of me.  BB - thank you, sincerely, for clearing my sinuses on such a regular basis!  =)

Many hugs and snuggles to both of you for thinking of me....

Like with anything in life, there were rules that went along with these...I'm not so much for the whole rules thing.  So I'll explain what I should be doing, and then do whatever the hell I want (as if you would expect any less from me).  =)

List 7 things about yourself that no one knows already.  Seriously?  That kind of torture should be illegal.  I'll give you 3.
  1. I swear like a fleet of soldiers on leave.
What?  You already know that?

Ok, well how about....
  1. My basement is in such a constant state of flux that it feels like I'll never be done torturing you with it.
Oh.  You know that one too?


I got nothing. 

WAIT!  I have 1 single solitary thing...
  1. A bird shit on my head when I was in middle school.
Well there ya have it...everything else I've either shared here or I have repressed to a point that it essentially never happened.  *shrug*

Now - back to the rules...

The other rule was to share with you a list of 15 new blogs that I've recently discovered.  *holds up finger* Excuse me a second.... Bahahahahahhahahahahahahah  Ok... 

No.  Wait.  *snort*  Bahahahahahaha! 

Sorry...that just tickled me funny bone.  I barely have a chance to keep spewing this award winning bullshit brilliance........   I haven't had a chance to get out and explore the blogosphere recently.  So I will share with you five of my favorite haunts that I would like to share the wealth with (in no particular order of course).

Now - if you'll excuse me.  My hand maid is insisting it's time for my hand massage. 

Jewell =) xo

Friday, January 21, 2011

*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*

Awww...c'mon - admit it!  You've missed me.  You've really, really, REALLY missed me.  To an almost creepy level.  So creepy that you've even wigged out your own self.  =)

Yeah - I didn't think so was worth spinning the web of shit to see if it could hold together.  =)

Ok, so I imagine some of you might be wondering about how the quitting smoking thing is or isn't going.

Well, I would have to say that, because I am typing this, I am still alive and kicking despite the fact that I have been pretty much incommunicado. assured it really is me, and not some escaped mental patient who's hijacked my blog login.  =)

Then again, how would you really know that?  *raises eyebrow*  Hmmmm.... 

I will also confirm that, since I am sitting here typing this, my lack of nicotine and my severe propensity toward explosive and irrational violence didn't actually evolve into felonious charges of murder upon the husband him's person.  =)

So at this (almost) 2 week point I am happy to say that not only have I not committed murder, but I also haven't had a smoke.  The process of getting through these first 2 weeks has been exhausting really.  For whatever reason, the exhaustion just didn't let go.  Getting a decent night's sleep was impossible for the first week, and the waking hours almost required me to tape my eyelids open or prop them open with toothpicks.  It was really REALLY disconcerting being so tired all the time.

There are still some lingering sleepiness, but I attribute it to the fact that the husband him's phone has woke me up every damned morning this week! *grumble*

So now that I am feeling more on the even keel...I have some serious football watching to do this weekend. I have some working on the basement to do.  I have some blogging to catch up on.   =)

So I am still alive.  I'll be back to irritate a laugh out of you yet....I promise!  =-p  Suckahs!  =)

Have a fantastic weekend....cuz now that I'm back....things are going straight to hell in a hand-basket!  =)  Weeeee!  =)  *snicker*

Jewell  =)  xo

Friday Funny 1/21/11

I love, love, love this!  =)  LOL  Thanks to the husband him for sharing this one!

There are times I am awed by sketch comedies...there are situations where I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face and still deliver the lines!  =)  Guess that explains why I am on this side of the sketch!  *snort*

Have an awesome weekend, my loverlies!

Jewell  =)  xo

Friday, January 14, 2011

Friday Funny 1/14/11 this quitting smoking thing is kinda kicking my ass, and I haven't been keeping up with the blog.  I am hoping that I'll be feeling a little more along the lines of my kind of normal by next week...

That said, I had to share this.  If those of you (in the US) haven't seen this on your local need to.  I get sappy when it comes to the singing of our National Anthem.  Throw some beautiful shots of our flag and/or soldiers in with the anthem, and you might as well pass me the tissues.  Call me a sucker...I call myself patriotic.  In any case, I've seen this video multiple times and love it everytime.  It wasn't necessarily the rendition of the National Anthem, but the support of the crowd that made me sappy.  Poor thing wasn't really sure what to do, but the audience helped pull her through....LOVE - IT (but I still can't stand hockey)!!

Happy weekend everyone!

Jewell  =) xo

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Nicotine free - Enter At Your Own Risk Sunday the husband him and I got the wild hair that we were going to quit smoking............


Saturday night was our last smoke, the last 2 smokes in my pack got tore up and thrown in the trash.  I took my stop smoking medication (herbal because the big pharma ones either didn't work or made me sick).... 

It is officially day 3. 

The upside is that neither of us has had a smoke....and the husband him is still alive (pretty sure he would say the same about me.)  

Here are just a FEW of the sucky things about quitting smoking...
  1. My brain doesn't function.  I mean, as in....AT ALL, not as in my usual fucked up stream of thought.  
  2. I have also been so damned tired I tend to go cross eyed trying to read or focus for more than 2.4 seconds.
  3. I have been stuffing my face with anything and everything like Homer Simpson in a donut the cats have escaped without a bite mark - beyond me....might have to do with the lack of focus past 2.4 seconds.
  4. My nerves apparently can hear their own independent choruses of nails, combs, wire brushes, and chalk on a chalk board.  The constant zing in my never endings....could quite possibly wing you with a bolt of lightening.
  5. All of my braincells are screaming and crying....LOUDLY.  I'm pretty sure that there is a night of the living zombies going on in there based solely on the noise level....and the whole zombie thing - might explain the whole 2.4 second attention span.
  6. My muscles are constantly tensing up... my zen?  Yeah...doesn't exist at the moment.  In fact, the proclivity toward sudden, irrational bursts of tears or violence, or both simultaneously is impending.
If all of those don't give you a sliver of an idea of what my mindset is at the moment...(and in lieu of the fact that I missed out on Mugshot Monday) are 3 celebrity mugshots that pretty well can give you a visual for how I'm coping with the whole quitting smoking thing....

*sigh* kind of brilliance is painful.....

Jewell  =) xo

Friday, January 7, 2011


Is where I woke up this morning!!!

No Really!!!

The husband him's phone kindly woke me up with it's bloody screaming (1).  While this it would be more uncommon for it to NOT ring at all hours; in which case the mere silence would wake me up and make me think I was in the Twilight Zone anyway, but....I digress.

Firstly, paranormal stuff happening around the house...not so unusual.  Unfortunately I don't think that I can blame the ghosts on today's events.

Anywho, the phone wakes me up.  I engage the crane to pull my ass out of bed, and notice that the pillow that Lucky (the cat) likes to sleep on had moved from the bed, where it was when I went to bed, and was mysteriously on the nightstand next to the bed.

I asked the husband him if he messed with the cat last night when I was sleeping.  He said he did come back to get him, and that his claws got stuck.  Well, ok, that might explain why the pillow was on the nightstand.  Husband him picks up cat, cat tries valiantly to hang onto his pillow, cat loses, drops pillow, cat exits tucked under husband him's arm like a football.

At one point I stagger back to the bedroom to do something and see that the pillow has moved back from the nightstand to the bed.  Not in the same position it is in when the cat uses it, but back on the bed nonetheless.  However, my current brain function suggests that, while my body was up and moving the brain wasn't actually engaged (pre-caffeine of course).  I could have picked the pillow up and thrown it back on the bed, but I really, really don't remember doing it.

In any case, pillow problem....explained (maybe).

I go about my morning, brain starts to clink and clank to life after a few hundred hits of caffeine.  I go outside for a smoke.  Dumb dog is laying on one of her blankets while the other is out by the trees at the end of where her chain extends.  2nd trip outside to feed and water the dog and feed the horse.  I dump dog food and water in respective bowls, proceed to walk out and get the other blanket by the trees because it's windy and, if I don't, it might end up a mile down the road.  I come to a dead stop when my brain acknowledges that the blanket is no longer there.  I look around the yard, no blanket.  Look back at dog laying on first blanket and realize the 2nd blanket is with her.  Ok.  Dog goes out, while I was in the house, grabbed the 2nd blanket and brought it up with the other blanket and laid on it.  Plausible.

Dog blanket issue....probably explained.

I proceed to go out and feed the horse.  I walk into the shop, grab the hay, force the hay over the fence because the wind is blowing like a brick wall and not forcing the hay over the fence means wearing the hay.  Itchy. Scratchy.  Not my idea of fashionable...I shove it over the fence.   I turn around to walk back to the house, and there stands the big dumb dog.  Off.....her.....chain.  Wiggling her tail like an idiot.  WHAT?!

I grab the dog by the loop on her collar, walk her back to her blankets where her chain should be.  No chain.  Chain is out by the trees where the one blanket was earlier.  I figure, ok, she worked the clamp loose on the chain connected to the collar.  No biggie.  I'll hook her back up.  I pick up the end of the chain to hook it back to her collar.....

Chain hasn't come loose. Clamp hasn't worked it's way open from itching and scratching by the dog.  Dog still has her collar on, so she hasn't slipped out of it.  The end of the chain is still locked and looped like we put it on her collar.  It's C--L--O--S--E--D.  She didn't work it lose, she didn't break it or her collar, and it's CLOSED!

Loose dog off her chain....soooooo NOT explained!

I'm thinking that considering today's chain of events, me operating a motor vehicle might not be the smartest move.  I mean, hell, I might go to the store and end up on some island that no one knows anything about with pig faced people doing cosmetic surgery on me!

(1) - I am fairly certain one of these days that fucking thing is going to get embedded in the wall, or mysteriously get buried in the back yard.

Now, if you'll excuse me.  I'm going outside to make sure that the wind is still blowing from left to right instead of straight up, and make sure that the sun sets in the West rather than the East!

Jewell  =) ox

Thursday, January 6, 2011

OMG! Lisa popped my cherry!

Ok...that might not sound exactly right, but blame it on Lisa at The Widow Lady...she said it first!

In any case, by way of some sort of lame explanation, Lisa has bestowed me with my very first EV-AH blog award! 

"What?"  I hear you cry, "The first?!  Impossible!"

"I know right?  I'm so excited I think I might have peed a little."

What?! You don't buy that I really got my first blog award?  Well, here, you doubters, is proof!  =-p

Smiling Widow Award 2011
If you haven't ever visited Lisa's blog, she's a beautiful woman with an enormous heart, a wicked sense of humor, some awesome tatoos, and honestly one of the best places to spend time if you are grieving over the loss of a loved one.  So, from the bottom of my heart, Lisa, thank you for popping my cherry!  =)

I would like to welcome those of you popping (which by the way holds no correlation to my cherry, thank you very much!) over from Lisa's blog and welcome you to my little corner of insanity.  I must warn you that I swear like a battalion of troops on extended leave, so if swearing bugs you...keep that in mind.  Other than that I don't think I have any warnings to share. =)

Here are a few posts that I thought you might enjoy reading as a first time visitor.  It will either make you run screaming in the other direction, pulling your hair out as you go in search for your jacket that gives you hugs, or it will sink you into becoming one of my minions.  =)  Either way, thank you for taking time to visit.  =)

Jewell =) xo

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Pay Stupid Tax.....Check! I don't normally post a 2nd time in a day, but if I don't gripe about this particular pet peeve right now I just might forget that I had a peeve to share!  =)

Every week the husband him and I play the lottery....husband him refers to it as paying the stupid tax.  Why?  Well, here's an example.  Each week I check our tickets for the winning Power Ball or Mega Millions (depending on the stupid tax that we paid).  If we don't have it, then I just sock the tickets away for 2 or 3 weeks and take them to the gas station to be scanned for whether or not we won some pittance of our "investment" back.  Last week, I took in a stack to scan.  The stack was probably easily a couple hundred dollars in investment to win millions.  How much did we win back?  $13.00  Yep...$13.00  Cha-ching! 

Well, if you are in the US and you have been anywhere near the news today, you've probably heard that the estimated pay out on Mega Millions is $355 million (with a cash option of $224.2 million before taxes).  So, of course we decided to pay play.  However, this week, we opted to pick our numbers rather than doing the quick pick option of letting the computer pick the numbers for us (which, clearly, works out so well for us). 

The problem with picking your own numbers is that you have to fill out this stupid little scanner card that requires you to fill in these little squares like you are back in grade school taking one of those computer graded tests.  It's a pain in the ass, and enough, by the time I am done, to make me look like a cross eyed, meth afflicted hillbilly.  Now *I* have NO problems whatsoever making sure to color the little squares in within the lines.  The husband him though.....well, yeah not so much. 

So we take our tickets thingys to the gas station to run through the computer to generate our actual tickets for the drawing.  My tickets get read by the computer - NO problem!  Shocker!  Problem, however, is that cashier runs one of his tickets through the computer, and it can't read one of his little filled in squares.  Let me reiterate...Shocker!  So we let someone in line behind us check out while we try to figure out which number on the ticket the computer couldn't read.  One of the people that we let go in front of us while we puzzled it out was a woman.  I didn't pay that much attention to what she's getting or paying for, but when I get done I keep waiting and waiting and waiting for her to finish.  First she buys a fistful of Mega Millions tickets, stuffs them away.  Then she leans her whole body on the counter to look at the scratcher tickets, and takes her sweet time picking the ones she wants to spend her money on.  Was she done?  No, next thing I know she's getting more Mega Millions tickets, and more scratchers.  Then she whips out a scratched off scratcher to cash in and buy more Mega Million tickets and more scratchers....and then more scratchers.  Just as that transaction was done, there was that pause in action and conversation that makes you think that she's done and ready to move on.  Oh no!!  She buys MORE!  

Seriously lady?  People are lined up out the door and around the building, like the rings around Saturn, waiting for you to get done.  Instead of being the courteous sort and getting through your transaction so the rest of the store can pay for their gas and pay their bit of stupid tax, you clean out the bank for scratchers and Mega Millions tickets.  Not one transaction like most courteous normal people, but 5 individual transactions!  REALLY?  Take your fist and purse full of tickets of every fucking variety and pass them out at a gamblers anonymous, really!  Post haste!  Do not pass Go! and abso-fucking-lutely, for the love of my mother, don't collect $200......

Damn people!

Jewell  =) xo

Just some stuff

Well, as I am sure many of you, who watch the news, might know the weather to end 2010 was a little rocky around these parts.  Tornado outbreaks all over the area and beyond.  The last count that I heard was the storms killed 7 poor souls who didn't make it into 2011. 

Lucky for us we made out well, considering.  Loads of rain, some hail, but considering Dec 30th was over 60 degrees, we got pretty lucky.

The day of Dec 31st was warm, cloudy and drizzled all day, but, to start the look forward to 2011, Mother Nature gave us some pretty sunset views.  I thought that I would share some of the shots I took to try and capture the end of 2010.

Make this year a great one!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, January 3, 2011

Mugshot Monday 1/3/11

Ok...why is it just about the time I get used to typing in the current year, the new year rolls around and screws everything up?  I swear..if my computer didn't keep track of the dates for me I would be in some serious shit!  =)

I hope everyone had a happy, blessed, and safe holidays...regardless of where you were, how you celebrated, I hope everything was the best for you!  =)

Now...enough of that...time to get back to things as usual!  =)

This week's mugshot made me laugh.  The story isn't particularly eventful, but the picture made me laugh!  =)  I think it's because he kind of reminds me of Einstein with a neatly trimmed goatee.  =)

May you all have a wonderful year!

Jewell =)  xo