I hate mornings!

I am not a morning person!  In fact, I've never been able to appreciate a morning in more years than I have fingers and toes.  I believe that all alarm clocks should be removed the production.  I feel that any work before 11am by me, or anyone else, should be against the law and all violators tarred, feathered, and hung in a public square.  Waking me up in the morning before the sun even hits the horizon, could easily earn you broken bones, bloody lips, swollen eyes, and, if male, a loss of your family jewels.  Have I mentioned I am not a morning person?

Mornings like last Wednesday, when the electricians were supposed to arrive to finally get my electrical in order in the basement, are a perfect argument for my philosophy of sleeping until 11am.  Why?  Because this is what I woke up to at 7am Wednesday morning....

Bloody hell...picture perfect day for crawling back in bed and snuggling with the cats!!

One of my all time favorite time wasters is to look at 2 pictures and pick out the differences between them.  So because I'm sick, my operational brain cells are clogged up by snot, I'll let you guys look at some pictures and see if you can find the differences. (Please excuse the mess...it's all the husband him's fault.)

 

Ok, so if you noticed....THE ELECTRICIANS SHOWED UP!  Waaaaaaahhhh-hoooooooo!  =)

Now, Jr. did show up (about 9am after Sr had said probably 8am), with C, but he also brought E.  Call me stoked...the work was going to get done.  However, we ordered another light to be put in the drop down ceiling...Jr. forgot to stop by Sr's house to pick it up.  At one point in the afternoon, I noticed that Jr. had disappeared from the scene.  So I cornered C to asked him if he had left to go get the light.  Um....not so much.  "No, he had to go finish a siding job in (insert town about 20 mins from my house here) and he said if he got done in time he would swing by his dad's to get it and drop it off."  Can we say....Jr. is a little bitch.  Ugh!  

Upside...Jr. didn't have dick to do with my electricity (whew!), but he also didn't stick around to make "it" right.  So that light still needs to be done.  Phone boxes still need to be hooked up.  Next step?  Drywall! (hence the blocks between the studs in the walls that weren't there in the before pictures.

As for the ass chewing I was going to give Jr. about whether or not he will do the drywall....it didn't happen (dammit!!!).  The wind gets taken out of my sails when I can't see straight because I was awake at some stupid hour of the morning, but more wind was taken out when the husband him came downstairs and preemptively asked him for himself.  Shit!  Do you think he was trying to keep me out of jail or keep Jr. out of the hospital??  I haven't been able to decide which.

You should also notice that husband him took the ass ugly wallpaper that was on the one wall of the basement for me.  Here's another before after for your viewing pleasure....

However, while I was more thankful than words could ever express to see that horrible stuff off the wall, there was a bit of bad news that we weren't aware of....  Apparently the original owners had a water problem on the wall which leaked over to the outlet between the doors, and this is what husband him discovered once he removed the wallpaper....

Yep....that's an outlet box that has more than it's fair share of rust in it!  Ick!  So when Sr. called me this weekend I gave him a heads up that we are going to want that replaced.  Last thing that I need to happen is for me to take a huge shock one day when I plug in the vacuum cleaner or something.

Today?...DRYWALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

More before and afters once it's done...or maybe I'll wait till I get some paint up.  I don't know.  But dammit...I might have all the shit, that is currently strewn about my house, back in it's place by Christmas!  In the geniusness of my friend Annie....Huzzar!!  At least I think that's what I mean.  See, Annie tends to speak a different language than me.  Don't get me wrong, she's of the British persuasion, and normally you wouldn't think that there is a language barrier, but there are times I'm absolutely stumped by what she says.  =)  So, I *think* that "Huzzar!" might mean something along the lines of "Woo-hoo!"  "Yippee!"  "Hot Diggity!", but then again it could also mean "Bitch!" or maybe even "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"  I really don't have any freaking clue, but damned if I'm not excited!!!!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Mugshot Monday 11/29/2010

Ok, so you know Mugshot Mondays are for those mugshots that are, generally, amusing to me in some form or fashion.  Sometimes, those mugshots are only made more chuckle worthy based on what the person was arrested and booked for.

This guy....well this guy....well.....all I could really come up with as far as commentary for this guy's mugshot was..."Damn!" and "Holy Cow!" and "Damn!"   Those are about the only ones that came up when I saw this guys mugshot.  Kudos for him to still be smiling in one of them.....?  Sheesh!  (It's really quite rare for me to be stunned enough to be tongue tied...this one though - this one did it for me.)

This week's mugshot and story here...

It just seems wrong on some level to say, "You be the judge!"....but......

Jewell  =)  ox

Friday Funny 11/26/10

You know...I am a really, really crappy sleeper.  One of the cats breathes too loudly and it's wakes me up.

The husband him...probably could manage to snooze through something as minor as a tornado or bomb blast.  However, no matter how hard he sleeps...pretty sure even he would wake up in these sorts of conditions.  Too funny and waaay too cute not to share!

Have a fantastic weekend recovering from over indulgence and over spending!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Thursday Chuckles - 11/25/10

I know...I know!  Y'all are waiting with baited breath to hear how things are going/have gone/didn't go with the electricians in the basement (1) yesterday.  Well you will just need to hang on a little longer.  I will work something up over the weekend.  Right after I have eaten myself into another pants size, and while I sit around the house avoiding Black Friday Locusts Shoppers like a venereal disease.

In the meantime...this week's chuckles.... =)

I'll see you one latte, and raise you a grumpy sweetheart.  You got nuthin' on me!

Hmmm - Ok.  Makes sense.  Wait!  What?  Presumptuous energy types.
Who do they think they are telling me I'm not allowed to drown!  Oy!

Yeah...pretty much. Go get 'em kitty!  That skirt makes your ass look fat!

Seriously?  I'm not sure I've ever been drunk enough to warrant kissing a fish while I'm swimming.
Maybe it's just me.

Ummm...Mommy's grumpy, ass whoopin' quotient to hit tilt in 3.....2......

(1) - Hmmm...that, suspiciously, has the makings of a really F level horror flick!  On the upside...it might make an A grade niche porn flick.  Don't ask how my brain works....my mother tried for years to figure out where I went wrong....she never figgered it out, but that might have something to do with the fact that her mind was pretty warped too.  =)  I'm well and truly convinced it's a hereditary thing....  =)

Great and safe weekend folks!  Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!  I'm very truly grateful and blessed by all of you!

Jewell =) xo

Time Sensitive…Must Share….Must….Share

Well, I suppose I should preface this post with the following:  If you haven’t read the posts about my ongoing battle with the electricians to get the electricity in my basement/office/storage/exercise oasis (1) where it belongs you might want to start with this post and this post for a little background.

If you are cool like that (2), and already know about the basement problems then this is the latest installment.

We did (3) finally get a quote.  However, it only came after Sr. decided to come out and scope out the work for himself.  Make notes, mark wall studs for where the electrical boxes needed to be dropped down, where lights needed to be moved, etc.  But….we……got…..the……quote.  Leave it to Sr., who really knows the value of loyal customers, to make sure that shit gets done.  He called the husband him, gave him the numbers.  Husband him called me, I said let’s do it.  Thing is, we got swamped and didn’t call right away, but when we did the husband him talked to Jr. again.  CRAP-tastic!
 

Jr. said fine, we’ll call in a couple days to set up a time, but because of other jobs we should be able to get started in a couple of weeks.  Friday last?  Yeah – the 2 week point and no word one way or another about when or if they were going to bother.

Because I did grow up in a small town, I know and have respect for local business people as a general rule.  If I find someone that is good, reliable, and honest (even if their prices are a little on the high end) I will give them my business regularly.  Loyalty in business is a wonderful thing.  The husband him and I have been lucky to have those sorts of relationships with our companies over the years, and I know that we appreciate it.

So, because of this, I have always been a strong advocate for getting electrical work done by Sr. because he’s reliable and honest (if a bit on the pricey side), and he has always made time for us regardless of last minute work or the size of the job.  He values the loyalty of a customer….he….GETS…..IT! 

Jr.?  He’s an ass wad....with 3 ft. thorns.

So, last Monday I told the husband him that I would be the one to call Sr. on Friday (the 2 week mark when they were supposed to be STARTING) to find out what the fuck was going on.  Friday rolls around.  Still, no phone call from anyone to set up a time.  So, I wait until about 4pm Friday and call Sr. myself.  I was calm (relatively), but straightforward and honest.  I basically told him, in no uncertain terms, that I was pissed and it shouldn’t take 3 months to get someone out here to do the work.  I told him I understood it was a small job, but if they didn’t want the work that was fine to let me know – I could find someone else.

Poor Sr.  He’s set himself up at the bottom of the hill in a hammock and he’s getting piled with shit.  Apparently Jr. has done this same thing to others (Wha??? Yeah, I know....SHOCKER!) and Sr.’s getting the fall out.  He apologized up and down profusely, explained that he was trying to give the business to Jr. (4), blah, blah, blah, “if you don’t hear from Jr. or I tomorrow, call me and I’ll make sure that the job gets done one way or another.”

Saturday rolls on in, and rolls on, and rolls on, and………my cell rings about 8pm, “Jr. will be there with C. on Wednesday morning early to get the work done.”

Oooooooooook….do I really want Jr. in my house doing my electrical after all the bullshit he’s put us through?  Not likely alone.  Luckily he’ll have someone else with him to do it.  On the upside, I’ll have a witness when I lay into Jr. to find out if he has any plans AT ALL to do the drywall that he promised to do.  If he’s not going to do it that’s fine.  At this point, I could give a flying aerobatic bat shit if he doesn’t.  With the economy the way it is, I’m POSITIVE that I can find someone who would be more than happy to come in and do the work for me.

I was very calm and collected, yet stern, with Sr. out of respect for him and all the times that he’s bent over backward to fit us in, regardless of how small the job was.  I have no intention of being nearly as kind to his thorny ass wad of a son.  (5)

Then again, the way things have gone thusly, I wouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised if I craned my ass out of bed at 7am Wednesday and he didn’t bother to show up at all.  That would just about fit.

(1) – Oasis….HA!  More like eventual torture chamber!

(2) – Or if you are just plain cool, are feeling generous this holiday season and feel like taking a wayward, snarky bitch in as a friend then you need to send me an email.  Like NOW!  I need me some cool in my life.  =)

(3) – Miracles of all miracles….I mean truly, after almost 3 months of trying to get them to drag their asses out here to do my freaking basement you would think that this would rank high on some archbishop’s list of miracles to make me a saint.  Right?

(4) – Oh boy – save Middle of Nowhere Missouri…he’s going to run all his dad’s hard work right into the ground.  Too bad Sr. never bothered to teach his kid the value of good business.

(5) – There is a loyal viewer out there, somewhere, that has some bank that can be used for my bail right??  *echo*  Right?

Excuse me while I go outside and warm up my war path...pretty sure I'll be needing it in the near future.  =)

Jewell =) xo

Mugshot Monday 11/22/10

Holy Moly Folks!  Can you believe that I've managed to come up with 100 posts full of bullshit to one varying degree or another!  WOW!  Partaaaaaaaaaaay!  =)


Ok - enough of that....on to the real reason y'all are here....  =)

So this guy...I can't decide if somehow his ancestors got a little freaky with a perverted herd of walrus, or if he really is a walrus in man's clothing.  *shrug*

This week's mugshot and story here...

You be the judge!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Friday Funny 11/19/10

Holy shit...this cat has got some massive balls!  LOLOL  Too Funny!

Have an awesome weekend everyone!

Jewell =) xo

Thursday Chuckles - 11/18/10

Have a wonderfully cheeky day my friends!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Media Hilarity - 11/17/2010

It's been a bit since we had a media hilarity post, I thought I would throw one together because there are chuckles to be shared!  =)

• Courtney Love Still Displaying Odd Behavior  -  Really?  Does this come as a shock? Seem news worthy?  I guess there is a reason why this article is on Perez Hilton's site.  If she actually started acting "normal" that would probably actually make the news!
• Certainly no treat, but not much of a trick, either  -  NOW I understand why I don't buy candy or turn on the outside lights on Halloween!  Whew!  *shudder*  Yikes!
• Supermarket cashier's large breasts overcharges shopper  -  Bahahahaha! *snort* That's all!  =-p
• Pa. man accused of wearing high heels out of store  -  Yeah...ummm..unless he was walking some dark street corner in Vegas or it was Halloween....I would hope pretty sure someone would notice this guy, right?  I mean.....right? 

And the true topper to this fine list of insanity goes to........................

• Cricket’s testicles set unlikely world record  -  Really??  Seriously?!?  What .......... The ........... Fuck??!!??

Crikey!

Jewell  =) xo

So much to write about & so little time

DAMN!  You ever have one of those weeks were you have tons of shit to spit at people and no time to put things together for those people to read?  Yeah - that would be me!  Ok, so off to the top of my knobby head here are topics that are jumping and screaming around my head to call first dibs into blogger....

1. An update about the whole eye surgery thing
2. My new BFF
3. The basement saga continues
4. I got mugged in my truck this past weekend
5. An ex-wife with balls whose size is matched only by those of a Blue Whale (1)
6. A general fluff piece with pics that I've taken...no big deal but something I've been meaning to do

So why am I not getting any of them put down for the posterity of the ages?

Because my house is full of CRAP!  (2)

See my lovely mom....

Yes folks....that really is mom and I...circa 1996

(aka - the era when my hair was permed and could be trained to do SOMETHING to look respectable)

...crossed over on my wedding anniversary in 2007.  Well, my father has since gone and gotten married this past summer, and he's sold my childhood home to one of my new step-sisters *insert eye roll here at all jokes regarding fairy tales and step sisters I'm allowing to evaporate into the ether*.  The result of which is a fresh influx of mom's stuff, her mom's stuff, and stuff of mine that I'd long forgotten had been packed away - a.k.a. CRAP!

I have plastic tubs and cardboard boxes coming out my bloomin' ears (3).  To top it off...one of my all time favorite not to mention sickest viewing pleasures is the TV show Hoarders.  Firstly because, on a normal day when my house is in it's usual pig sty condition, it makes me feel better that my particular, yet unique, brand of shitty housekeeping is ALWAYS going to be better than some of the houses that I see on that show.  =)

However, since my house hasn't looked as good as it's usual pig sty condition since the basement got tore up and mom passed, watching Hoarders makes me want to cry when I look at the piles of stuff crawling and clinging to every available surface.

However, while my eyeballs are working remarkably well in the grand scheme of things, the whole tearing up process....still not quite up to par...so, instead of indulging myself in a self absorbed fit of temper tantrums at the clutter, the mess, the piles of stuff that inevitably evolve into getting referred to as "shit" the longer it sits around and out of it's place, I've been trying diligently to plow through boxes and tubs.  Problem is, while I am making progress, it really doesn't LOOK like I'm making progress. (4)  While there is stuff that I either don't want anymore, or can't keep because I don't have room for it, that stuff is still relegated to boxes so that they can be sold on Ebay (5).  If I can't or don't want to keep something, I'm sure that there is someone out there that would be happy to take it off my hands and enjoy it.  (6)

I would say..."Calgon, take me away"....but I'm sure someone out in the wild blue yonder would only hear the "take me away" part and I'd end up fitted with a snazzy, yet form fitting new jacket and my very own bouncy castle.  *sigh*  

1 - The largest mammal on earth doncha know?  Still trying to work out if the ex-wife could actually be classified as a mammal though.

2 - I say that in the most loving and yet exhausted manner ever uttered by a daughter and granddaughter.

3 - Which is quite painful I assure you!

4 - Don't you just HATE it when that happens??

5 - Still not sure when I'll find time to do THAT!  Of course, should Porky Pig go sailing past my window sporting a fancy, shiny, new pair of wings I should likely take it as a sign! 

6 - Thus, possibly insuring that the show Hoarders stays on TV...who knows! 
  
Climbing Mount Crap To Resume.....whenever I get around to it!  =)

Jewell =) xo 

Mugshot Monday 11/15/10

Ok...so I'm really not so sure what's up with this chick.  I can't really decide if :

1. The booking officer told her a joke
2. She's just now realizing that she's been busted
3. She's expecting someone to tell her she's been "punk'd"
4. If one of her cohorts in the sting is behind her tickling her
5. Or if she's "tickling" herself  *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

This week's mugshot and story here...
(Or just the mugshot if you please)

You be the judge....  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Friday Funny 11/12/10

Ok...I really admire people who have the patience to teach dogs tricks...(1)   This little guy is a hoot, and handy to have around apparently!  LOL  =)

(1) - Probably why my lovely, loving Angie is such an epic failure in her guard dog duties!!  LOL

Trick out your weekend!  =)

Jewell =) xo

Thursday Chuckles - 11/11/10

Have a rockin' Thursday....cuz I'm gonna be up to my eyeballs in work related bullshit!  =)  *snicker*

Smile while you work  =)

Jewell  =) xo

I Wish You Enough....

You know, normally I try to post funny or rant worthy material.  However, I saw this posted on my friend Felinae's blog the other day, and it touched me so deeply I felt inspired to share it!

I hope you all enjoy this as much as I did! <3

-----------------------------

Recently I overheard a Father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the Father said, 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'

The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.'

They kissed and the daughter left. The Father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'

'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?'..

'I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' he said.

'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?'

He began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone...' He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them..' Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

• I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
• I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
• I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
• I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
• I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
• I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
• I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

He then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life to forget them.

* Only if you wish, send this to the people you will never forget and remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you. If you don't send it to anyone it may mean that you are in such a hurry that you have forgotten your friends.

TAKE TIME TO LIVE....

To all my friends and loved ones, I WISH YOU ENOUGH.

Jewell  =) xo

WTF? Really?

Ok, if there is one thing that I am absolutely anal about...it's my credit cards / debit cards.

Don't get me wrong, I have lost them a time or two as I was growing up, was half asleep, or simply just not paying attention.  I've experienced the gut curling cramps. I've experienced the rumbling volcano of bile that makes you want to wretch at the enormity of what could happen if the cards ended up in the wrong hands.

It's a horrible, faint inducing moment when you realize that they are gone....immediately followed by the race to get to the house, tearing through files trying to find all of the account and phone numbers necessary to call the banks and let them know what happened, and to beg them to fix it, fix it, FIX IT before some hedonistic opportunist can find them and buy a yacht!

So, imagine my surprise when I read this article.  Now not only did this woman have her wallet stolen while she was at work, BUT she also gave the crooks the pin number when they called her at work asking for her banking details.

Ok, so presuming that she didn't know that the wallet was gone by the time the crooks called (busy shift in the mattress store waking up the sleeping mattress testers??), why would you EVER consider giving ANYONE your pin number OVER THE PHONE?!

In an era when credit fraud is rampant....why? Why? Whhhhhhy???

There are times I just don't get people!  Seriously!

If you haven't read the article yet...feel free to click here.  Honestly, if you feel like you would be prone to do this, firstly, DON'T.  Secondly, if you feel prone to do this...read the article.  Please, Please!  Learn from someone else's mistake!!!

Have a great one!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Mugshot Monday 11/8/10

Really, pretty damned sure that, in most cases, when you meet someone that has an Einstein-esque hairdo...avoidance might be advisable.

Yes...that would be me judging a book by it's cover (so to speak).  Don't like it...you can do one of 2 things...you can check out this Mugshot Monday featuree or you can try to sue me for $0,000,000,000.00 because that is pretty much what you could wring out of me!  =)  *snicker*

This week's mugshot and story here...

Happy Monday!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Thursday Chuckles - 11/4/10

Awwwwwwwwww......

*Gag*

This explains a lot actually!  =)

And yet another dip shit that should be removed from the list of people allowed to procreate!

Why yes I am!  My condo is already reserved and has a FAB view!  Seeking roommates to help with rent!  =)

Make your day laughter filled!  =)

Jewel  =) xo

Media Hilarity - 11/3/2010

Before getting to this week's media hilarity, can I just take a minute to celebrate the fact that the elections are FINALLY OVER?!  Damn....I swear the older I get the longer it takes to slug through all of the political bullshit on both sides.  I am sooooooo over it all!  I am happy for the peace!  *sigh of huge relief*

Ok....now...on to the media hilarity that I've found for all of you lovely folks.  =)  Hope you get as big a chuckle out of these as I did!  =)

Squirrels refuse medical care  Is anyone really surprised by this??  I mean think about it....how many squirrels do you see sitting in the Urgent Care or ER in your communities?  LOL

Grown Man Has Tantrum: Torches Home After Mother Dumps Toys  I am thinking that this is a major indication of the mother's parenting skills over the years!  Wonder if he still breast feeds and wears a diaper!  Dang!

Fed-Up Taiwanese Woman Marries Self  I suppose this is the same sort of thing that some American women do when they agree with their best friends that if they both haven't met "Mr Right" by a certain age they would marry each other.  I think I like our way better, but I can't say as I blame this gal's thinking!  LOL  =)

‘Navel fluff’ collection weighs a record 22 grams   Damn!  I want to meet the woman that might possibly married to this guy (couldn't tell or missed if it was mentioned in this article).  I think I was most surprised by this quote, “If my belly stopped producing lint tomorrow I might feel surprised but not disappointed.”  Really??  Producing the lint?  It's a belly button, not an ice machine!!!!  Gah!  Men!

Have a wonderful day!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Short Post Today

Hello my loverly bloggy friends!  =)

Just a short post...this week has been absurdly crazy work wise and now my dad is down here for a visit so not much time to think let alone take a bathroom break!  =)

I want to say that I love you all for your well wishes and thoughts with my Lasik surgery last Thursday.  I was able to get on the computer again for short bursts as early as the day after, and have been able to get back to work fairly quickly, but am always leaning back to have eye drops of one kind or another added to my eyeballs.  They are constantly dry it feels like, and it's almost like I have my contacts in 24/7....now if I could just pop my eyeballs out and put them in solution for a short relief it sure would be nice.  =)

I'll give y'all a better post on the whole thing when I get a chance to sit and concentrate on it.

In the meantime I ran across this article this morning, and I laughed butt off.  Too funny, and a fantastic way to start a day!  =)  I'm thinking that, on the list of people you should NEVER piss off before having something worked on, this should pretty well be at the top of the list!  =)

Media Hilarity Awesomeness

Love, love, love you all....

Jewell  =) xo

Mugshot Monday 11/1/10

Dear Felons and Future Felons....

Here's a tip....  If you are going to dance on the other side of the law, the wrong side of the tracks, thumb your nose at law enforcement for an occupation...avoid the inkwell.  Ugh - Honestly!

This week's mugshot and story here...

Jewell  =) xo