Media Hilarity - deuxième partie (1)

Ok, so last week's Media Hilarity post seemed to be a great hit!  =)  So here is another installment.

Finding these headlines is almost as fun as creating my own post brilliance, with the exception that looking for these articles doesn't pop nearly as many brain cells as me trying to light a fire in my brain.  =) 

• Man rides mower to spring dog from kennel  Wow! Wonder if he had a beer in the cup holder too!
• Man Drove Off While Officer's Fingers Stuck In Door Handle  Pretty sure that's not going to help his case with the po-po....
• Bomb Squad Defuses Box Full of Kittens  I think I've done seen it all now! *faint*  (2)
• High times in the hive tonight: too much cocaine makes bees wax lyrical  Oooooo-kay.  Really?  How many bees are currently in rehab for cocaine addiction?  And what are they waxing lyrical about?  Are they quoting Shakespeare or something?
• How not to apply for a Washington State Patrol job  Really, there are no words for this...you have to read the article to get a full appreciation for this moron's stupendous brainlessness...the crickets in his head must be staggeringly loud!
• NH man shoots self while trying to locate gun’s safety  If this doesn't properly explain why some people shouldn't breed...I'm not sure what does!
• How many cockroaches would you hold in your mouth ... for charity?  *gag* GAH! *shudder* Ummm....none?  Yeah!  None!  Abso-fucking-lutely yes, that's my final answer!  Excuse me while I evacuate my stomach....blech!

(1) - That would be Part Deux for those who don't love the French language as much as I do  =)

(2) - For those with queasy stomachs...I would never post an article where kittens get blown up....it really is a safe read! 

Have a wonderful night, friends!

Jewell  =) xo

Friday Funny 10/29/10

This is so awesome!  How inspirational and fun!  Animals continually amaze me.....

Take time out to play this weekend, my lovelies!  =)

Jewell =) xo

Dear Mr. HasTheVoice.com (a.k.a. Mr. Ralph Haas)

Excuse me my lovelies, grab a cuppa....I felt the need to rant post a response to my very first negative comment ever on this blog.

"What?!" I hear you cry.

I know right?!  Whoda thunk it!

Now, this comment was in response to my post titled...."omg! OMG! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuc......!!!"

I enjoy reading the comments of other folks on the various blogs that I visit.  But, in case some of my stalkers missed it, here is Mr. Haas' ground breaking comment...

    Interesting...I put this for my Facebook status less than 40-minutes ago:
   Please don't use God's name in vain...Why don't you say, "Oh My GOOGLE!" instead?

    And then The Blog Farm posts your article.
   NEXT PLEASE!!!

You know, I always get happy, excited, and all warm and fuzzy like when I see that I have a new reader.  So when I saw your comment waiting for my approval I was tickled.  I get to the first word "Interesting" and I think excellent, someone FINALLY finds me interesting....it's about time! Brilliant start!

Then I finish reading, and I cocked my head like a curious puppy and realized, "I think he left me a negative comment!"  Seriously?  So I read the comment over and over, like a complete imbecile, to see if maybe it was some sort of new, never before experienced type of humor that was accidentally slipping over my head.  No...I'm not that dumb...  You really and truly did leave me a negative comment.  Have I mentioned it's my first EVER!  Way to go!

So the best I can surmise from your brief and pithy comment is the following:

1.  You judged me (and all my other posts) based on nothing more than a single blog post title.
2.  You didn't actually read the full post to which this post title was attached. (Thanks, by the way, for your well wishes. They are greatly appreciated. I'm sure you meant to include that in your comment and just forgot.)
3.  As a result of 1 & 2 you made an assumption that somewhere, on some level, on some planet, or in a parallel universe that I actually used the name of a "god" (or "God" if you prefer) anywhere....at all.


Now, I have to say first, I have never taken anyone's name in vain.  Ok, well that might not exactly be accurate.  I have maybe, kind of, sort of, taken Geraldo (Rivera's) name in vain, but really, who could blame me?  Anyone who makes a production of opening the vault of Al Capone and expecting that Al Capone was really stupid enough to leave anything behind just begs to have his name taken in vain.  And of course there's the whole broken nose by a chair via the KKK / white supremacists on TV thing.  Well yeah, that's just cheer worthy AND only another reason to take his name in vain (though I have a whole list, I won't bore the reading public with that in this post).

There are very few things in this life that really kind of piss me off, though, as I get older, the list seems to get exponentially longer.  One of the things that does piss me off...people who make assumptions about other people (at any level) and take it on as gospel.  If you don't know someone, or bother to take the time to get to know them (for me...that would be by actually reading my blog posts and not just the titles) and yet you hang onto an initial concept of that person as all there is to know...then you are basically lazy.  Why?  Because people are worth getting to know (most times).  Because people have value.  Because our individuality makes us all unique.

So, since you didn't take time to get to know me through my writings, let me boil down my essence for you.  This way, when you say "NEXT PLEASE!" you'll really have a reason behind it.

1.  I am a 30 *cough* something woman.  I hate no one.  I do hate assumptions, presumptions, and opinions that are not based on fact or research.  I hate bias.  I hate bigotry.  I hate cruelty.  I hate evil.  I hate hunger.  I hate poverty.  I hate politicians.  I hate mornings.  But I will always wish for world peace.

2.  I swear worse than all armed forces, of any country, combined.  Also, the swearing thing?  This, ironically, wasn't something you had a problem with as, in case you missed it, there was a partial swear word that was also, very discreetly (I know, it might have been hard to see), placed in the title of that same post.

3.  I work like a dog every day of the week, 12 - 16 hours at a minimum, and holidays.  You know why?  Because I work very hard during all that time helping my country, your country, and many other friendly foreign governments in keeping open minded people like me and close minded people like you safe from others in the world who would pretty well reason, in their own minds, that neither of us has any reason to exist.

4.  I write this blog for fun and for humor.  I think I do a pretty damn good job of it most of the time.  I try to keep things light, and I work hard (I've lost count of all the brain cells I've killed off) to help people remember that just about everything in a day has a reason to make you laugh.  You just need to change your perspective to find it.

5.  Because this blog is about humor, I choose not to rally about politics (except to show the funny insanity of a politician - regardless of where they lean).  I choose not to rail on about race, GBLT issues, bullying, religion, etc.  My opinions are mine on such important issues, and I have no need or reason to shove, show, or throw them at anyone else.  Should someone ask my opinion I have no problem sharing it.  I have no time, energy or reason to get into an argument with someone. 

Now, since it seems that your unders were mainly in a twist about the whole OMG thing...let me get down to brass tacks.  (I know, about time right?)

My question to you is how would you begin to know what OMG stands for in my brain or the context of my life?  You clearly haven't taken the time to get to know me, so .....?  As my dear friend Feline pointed out this evening, for all you know, that for me, OMG stands for "Oh My Girdle"?  Or, for that matter, goodness, golly, goddess, gosh, or any number of other words that start with "g"?

Why don't I just say "Oh My GOOGLE!" instead?  Because, Mr. Haas, Google does a very crappy job, as of late, at what it is that they are supposed to do for the public that uses them.  Bing works much better for me during work, but, being that Bing starts with a "b" and not a "g" which, as you can see, just doesn't fit.

Thank you for visiting my blog long enough to comment.  And my advice for you, dear sir?  Find your funny bone...I think you might have lost it along the way.

Yours sincerely, respectfully, and humorously,

Jewell  =) xo

omg! OMG! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuc......!!!

Yeah...I'm wigging out a lot little bit.

"So what else is new?" you ask.

Bite me!  =-p~~~~

A year or so ago my eye doctor, during the course of a regular check up, indicated that with my eye prescription (1) I would be a good candidate to undergo Lasik surgery.  I was told that once I hit my 40's I will likely need to have minor prescription reading glasses to read, but that my overall eyesight would be greatly improved. 

Well of course, that stupid idea niggled it's way into my brain and it's popped up off and on over the course of time.  I finally decided to take the step to have a consult.  So I called my doctor to make an appointment for a check up and to talk with him about getting a referral to the surgeons who perform the work.

I went in, had my check up which included the inevitable dilation of my eyes.  Now, this is something I am used to.  I mean since bats can see better than I do, it's been a pretty regular occurrence during the course of my lifetime.  However, the Doc warned me that the solution he was using was a stronger solution for dilation than what they normally use, that it would last approximately 24 hours, and that there would be a "little" bit of a sting.  However, there was a numbing agent that he would also use to help.

SHIT!

I think he needs to better tailor his warnings.  If the husband him hadn't been standing there I would have sworn on a bible, a sword, a pile of someone's dead Granny's ashes, anything that he shot me in the face with mace.  CRAP!

While I had tears rolling down my face, at a rate to rival the great Niagra Falls, when he finally remembered to put in the numbing agent.  "I guess I could have done that first."  Ummm....really?  You think?  Stop talking with the husband him about freaking tin cans with propellers!  (2)

So I get the checkup exam finished finally, and Doc says, "When do you want to have your surgery?  Next week?"  (Keep in mind we were just in there last Friday.)

Ummm...what?  I'm pretty sure one of my overly dilated eyeballs popped out and landed in his lap, but with the numbing agent I can't be sure of that.

Well, to make a short story longer, I have set up my consult with the surgeon on Wednesday (well today if you want to be fussy).  Depending on what sorts of things happen when I am there (over the course of a couple hours), I could have my surgery as early as Thursday.  THIS Thursday!  *faint*

If things go as they very well could, I will be out of commission on computer time for a few days.  So I am going to try to get the blog scheduled so that I don't leave y'all high and dry in the radius of your collective funny bone.

I'll move the "Media Hilarity" post off to Saturday, but everything else should be as it normally is.  Hopefully by the beginning of next week I'll be able to be back into the swing of things and catch up on the comments you guys will leave.  *crosses fingers and toes*

(1) - Basically....bats can see better than I do without my glasses or contacts.  It's pretty f'ing bad.  =)

(2) - No secret...I hate flying.  The smaller they get the more adamant I am I will never get in one.  However, the husband him and Doc talk non-stop about flying personal sized aircraft....I have nothing to add to such conversations.  Well, I don't imagine that's very true...someone who is a pilot asks me a question, my standard response without actually listening to the conversation is "No."  Partial attention to the conversation, "Nooooooooo thank you!"  Complete attention to the topic at hand, "Fuck that!  You people need permanent straight jackets installed on your person."  Did I mention I don't like to fly?

Stay out of trouble.  ALL of you!  And no graffiti on the new walls!  =-p

Jewell =) xo

Religion has it's moments...

I was reading a blog lately, and the author had been talking about a post topic that kept niggling her brain but wouldn't shake loose.  She finally had an "ah-HA!" trigger that helped to gel that idea for a topic into actual words....and it was hilarious!  We've all been there though...you have a line, or a part of a thought, stuck in your head, but you sit down to try and spin it into blog brilliance and your brain goes "Pfffffffftttttttttttt!  Thank you! Please come again." (1)

I had one of those too...  I know that I've mentioned before not being of the religious variety.  I think the last time I was in a church was for my Grandmother's funeral.  I never attended any church regularly (2), and feel particularly blessed that religion was not the center of my home life when I grew up.  Don't get me wrong, I have faith.  Believe in something (or someone(s) larger than myself).  I just don't believe a lot of the stuff that is wrapped up with organized religion, and don't feel that, to live my life well and admirably, I need someone to tell me how.  I had good parents who taught me morals, the difference between right and wrong, strength, and faith...the rest I have taught myself, and continue to learn....all without religion.

I do appreciate and enjoy looking at some objects that symbolize religion.  Old churches.  Stunning stained glass windows.  Intricate crosses.  You get the idea.

However, in the Middle of Nowhere Missouri, I am a bit of a fish out of water.  I live in the cusp of the bible belt, and churches are on almost every corner.  Every size...from gaudy new structures to adorable older ones.  Religion is thrown at you on those corners regularly with their church signs.  Some of them confusing.  Some of them shocking.  Some of them inspirational. (3)  But there is always one, somewhere, that makes us laugh our asses off as we drive by.


One of the husband him's favorite signs was one that we saw not too long after we moved out here.

Give Jesus A Try
The Devil Will Always Take You Back

That one still makes him laugh...(4)

There was one though that kind of put my ire up a little bit.

Coming Soon:

Manufacturer's Recall

Are You Ready?

Seems a bit of fear mongering to me...maybe not so much to those that put it up, but I didn't appreciate the message at all.

Then there was this little quirky sign that made us chuckle...

Sign Broken
See Inside For Details

However, watching last night's news there was a story about some local thefts in the area.  They are all taking place at the rural churches in the area.  (5)  As it turns out, there are people stealing the air conditioning units from the churches.  With the economy what it is in these parts, I'm fairly sure it's a money thing for the people that are stealing them, but for the churches it can be a devastating blow.  They are targeting the smaller rural churches, most of them aren't financially well off (6) and rely on volunteers and the good will of the community to help them with anything that needs fixing.

However, during the course of the news story, our local TV station had gotten a shot of the church marquee next to one of the churches that had been hit by the thieves.  The clergy and parishioners passed on message from above....  Needless to say, the husband him and I bust out laughing...

To those who stole my air conditioners 

You are going to need them
-God

If there is one thing I can appreciate...it will always be a good joke!  =)

(1) - My brain...well, my brain gets significantly more profane than just a classic raspberry.  Mine pretty well taunts me mercilessly....it's like being back on the playground in elementary school all over again! 

(2) - Unless you count my Grandparent's church that I was required to shlub my ass out of bed for during the summers when I would spend some weekends with them, and listen to my Grandfather snore so loud he probably shook the windows.  Of course, I couldn't hear over him to confirm that. 

(3) - Yes....inspirational....even to a sinner like me.  =)

(4) - He can't remember to take out the trash or finish washing the dishes, but that sign he can still quote verbatim. MEN!!!  lol  =)

(5) - Rural being relative because, well, it's all pretty damned rural out here!  =)

(6) - Unlike the mega-monstrosities that take up the majority of a county and seem to be cropping up regularly in urban areas across the country.

Find time to laugh...life's too short not to!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Mugshot Monday 10/25/10

He! He he!  Duuuuuuuude!  Somebody got some chips?

Now here's a guy that enjoys his "hobby".  =)

This week's mugshot and story here...

Have a chillin' day!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Captain Obvious, at your service!

Hellllllllloooooooooooo!  (1)  =)  My name is Captain Obvious and I am at your service.  (2)

Actually, this post is more of a maintenance sort of thing.  In case some of you hadn't noticed there's been a bit of remodeling done about these parts.  A little paint, a little flooring, some new windows...  =)  Hope y'all like it.  If not....eh, *shrug* screw you!  =)  *snigger*

I about wigged out this past weekend when I posted this post and found out that my old theme spontaneously combusted and began blocking out some of the graphics.  (3)  No!  I don't know why!  I'm only technically smart enough to be REALLY dangerous.  =) *snort*  In any case, I've beat this stupid blog about the head and ears since I started it way back when (4)....apparently the spontaneous combustion wasn't so spontaneous after all...must have been on a slow sizzle.  *shakes fist at old blog layout*

Anywho, I put up the Friday Funny for last week, and I got no bloggy love.  *pout*  Apparently, fainting goats...not so funny to anyone else.  That's ok...I can continue to amuse myself mercilessly with that video and pretty any other video of fainting goats.....so in short =-p~~~~  Pffffffft!

Anywho...in that post I had asked the following....

Well folks, as you can see...I'm back to my usual self.  =)  I think I may have to start a Saturday blog post so that I can make up for the fact that I have sloughed off on posts on my crappy Thursdays.  I really hate Thursdays!!  Ahhh, well.  Something to consider!  =)  If you lovelies have any thoughts about me doing a Saturday post, don't hesitate to let me know in the comments, or you can email me by clicking the "Contact Jewell" link to top right under the Search box.

So I would really appreciate any feedback you guys might have with regard to the possibility of a Saturday post or even an occassional Saturday post. 

(1) - Hear Mrs Doubt Fire when you read that please...it totally enhances the funniness of it....trust me!  If you are going to be voyeurs in my brain you are required by the unwritten laws of this blog to experience all levels of the  bullshit  insanity that I serve you on elegant blue and white, yet sturdy, paper plates.

(2) - Ummm...yeah - actually not so much...serve yourself, pee for yourself, blah blah blah....lazy punks!  Sheesh!

(3) - Be glad none of you had to witness the whole wigging out thing...it truly is something that is a cross between Hellraiser, The Exorcist, and Friday the 13th ... it's quite freakish actually.

(4) - And yes, way back when is..............June.  Seriously, this way back when for me.  If I have any level of mental recall after 10 minutes it would pretty much be a miracle to put the miracles to qualify for canonization to shame.

Have a wicked fun weekend!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Media hilarity!

Ok...my life is spent immersed in the tragedy and hilarity of the media!  This past week there was some awesome headlines (and the stories are pretty funny too).  I just had to share....

• Siesta contest rewards those quick to fall asleep  Awesome!  I need to find a way to get to Spain without having to fly so that I could enter this contest!  I would soooooo kick some siesta ass!!! 
• Grandma's ashes mistakenly sold at Fla. yard sale  Rut Roh!  I wonder if the ol' hubby is keeping warm snuggled up with the family pooch in the dog house! 
• Teen crashes into license center after passing test  Gonna bet that he won't be getting his license any time soon!  Had I done this my mother would have kicked my ass!!  =)  LOL
• Piglet seized to recover woman's debt  Shoot!  If only a piglet would cover a portion of my debts!  LOL 
• Stabbed — during anger-management class Yeah - I'm thinking that she's still got anger management issues! *whistle*

Take time for a giggle today!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

And the award goes to.....

You know, while there isn't much that surprises me when it comes to politicians, governments, scientists, or the general stupidity of the average person, there are times where I can only sit back with a thud and say, "What the fuck?!"

This past week there was a study released that made me talk back to the TV when they reported the study.  So it caused me to go through and do some searching, and one of the best places to find, in my not so humble opinion, some of the most dumb ass  biggest wastes of money  most unusual scientific studies and/or inventions...The Ig Nobels.  If you've never heard of the Ig Nobel, it's basically an awards ceremony which "honor achievements that first make people laugh, and then make them think. The prizes are intended to celebrate the unusual, honor the imaginative — and spur people's interest in science, medicine, and technology."

I went back 5 years and looked through the awards that had been presented, and here is just a sampling of some of the studies that I found. All of this information is directly quoted from the Ig Nobel website....

2005 Ig Nobel
--  PHYSICS: "...for patiently conducting an experiment  that began in the year 1927 -- in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, slowly dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years."  Why?

--  MEDICINE: "...for inventing Neuticles -- artificial replacement testicles for dogs, which are available in three sizes, and three degrees of firmness."  Really?  Is this something dogs are worried about?

--  PEACE: "...for electrically monitoring the activity of a brain cell in a locust while that locust was watching selected highlights from the movie 'Star Wars.'"  Oh for Pete's sake!

--  ECONOMICS: "...for inventing an alarm clock that runs away and hides, repeatedly, thus ensuring that people DO get out of bed, and thus theoretically adding many productive hours to the workday."  Yeah - by the time I caught the little bastard I would have to replace a window because I'm positive that I would turn it into a record breaking fast ball just before I curled back up under the covers.

--  CHEMISTRY: "...for conducting a careful experiment to settle the longstanding scientific question: can people swim faster in syrup or in water?"  I am no chemist or physicist, but I am pretty sure they could have paid me the sum total of the cost of this study and I could have given them the answer they sought.

--  FLUID DYNAMICS: "...for using basic principles of physics to calculate the pressure that builds up inside a penguin..."  Right....I'm sure that THIS is a huge concern to the penguins of the world.


2006 Ig Nobel
--  ORNITHOLOGY: "...for exploring and explaining why woodpeckers don't get headaches."  Is this a normal complaint by woodpeckers?

--  NUTRITION: "...for showing that dung beetles are finicky eaters."  Does anyone really care?  I mean they eat shit...how finicky can they really be?


2007 Ig Nobel
--  MEDICINE: "...for their penetrating medical report 'Sword Swallowing and Its Side Effects.'"  Unless you were raised by a parent who didn't tell you to not run with scissors, couldn't a general practitioner pretty easily explain the side effects?

--  PHYSICS: "...for studying how sheets become wrinkled."  Ummm...because I sleep in them?  That was easy, I'm still awaiting my check on this one.

--  LINGUISTICS: "...for showing that rats sometimes cannot tell the difference between a person speaking Japanese backwards and a person speaking Dutch backwards."  I must be as brilliant as a rat (not to mention significantly better looking) because, though I've never been tested in this fashion, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be able to tell the difference either!

--  AVIATION: "...for their discovery that Viagra aids jetlag recoveryin hamsters."  How many jet lagged hamsters are there in the world that would make this a significant breakthrough in the aviation industry?  And, are the doctors travelling with them so that if their erections last longer than 4 hours they can get immediate medical attention?


2008 Ig Nobel
--  PEACE PRIZE. "...for adopting the legal principle that plants have dignity."  Is there any surprise in the fact that this study was conducted by the lovely folks in Switzerland?  Yeah, I didn't think so either.

--  BIOLOGY PRIZE. "...for discovering that the fleas that live on a dog can jump higher than the fleas that live on a cat."  Unless they are going to assist their related countries in the Olympic long jump competitions, I don't get it.  I mean do dogs or cats really care (or notice) how high their fleas are jumping?

--  ECONOMICS PRIZE. "...for discovering that professional lap dancers earn higher tips when they are ovulating."  Yeah...it's called masochism...on a related note, being bitchy is as much a turn....trust me...I turn myself on on a daily basis!  =)

--  PHYSICS PRIZE. "...for proving mathematically that heaps of string or hair or almost anything else will inevitably tangle themselves up in knots."   Really?  That explains a lot of what's going on with my hair....I really need to get about donating it!


2009 Ig Nobel
--  PEACE PRIZE: "...for determining — by experiment — whether it is better to be smashed over the head with a full bottle of beer or with an empty bottle."  Now this is a study I could have gotten behind...I'd love to be ringside in the bar where they conducted this study......Me thinks this was put together by a bunch of bored frat boys!  =)

--  PHYSICS PRIZE: "...for analytically determining why pregnant women don't tip over."  Well, I can safely say that whatever that reason, I'm glad mom stayed upright...who knows the kind of bullshit y'all would be subjected to had she tipped over during the course of her pregnancy with me.  =)  Muwahahaha


2010 Ig Nobel
--  TRANSPORTATION PLANNING PRIZE: "...for using slime mold to determine the optimal routes for railroad tracks."  Oh *gag*....hopefully this study would have been conducted while I was watching a bunch of idiots beat each other over the head with beer bottles in 2009!  Oblivion suits me perfectly sometimes!  =)

--  PHYSICS PRIZE: "...for demonstrating that, on icy footpaths in wintertime, people slip and fall less often if they wear socks on the outside of their shoes."  No shit?!!?

--  PEACE PRIZE: "...for confirming the widely held belief that swearing relieves pain."  Well that explains a lot!  =)  Since I am pretty sure I could swear a sailor under the table on a good day, when I am in pain I could bury him!  =)

--  BIOLOGY PRIZE: "...for scientifically documenting fellatio in fruit bats."  My word!  The new thing coming to an internet near you....Fruit Bat Porn!


Have a studious day my friends!

Jewell  =)  xo

Mugshot Monday 10/18/10

This guy looks like someone straight off a movie set....kinda creepy!  *shudder*  Perfect nutcase for the month of All Hallow's Eve wouldn't you say?  =)

This week's mugshot and story here...

Happy Monday!

Jewell  =) xo

I adore this man.....

Ok, for those of you that are already friends with me on Facebook, I apologize for beating you over the head with this, but I was so inspired by this man and his message I needed to make sure it got out to a larger audience.  Albeit not that large as I don't have a ton of readers, but if just a couple share this with their readers and their readers also share it it's worth it!  I can only hope it helps to save lives along with the Trevor Project!

I can't think of more to say than what I did when I posted this on Facebook, so I will copy that here and put in the video.  Please take 12 minutes to watch it, and a few extra minutes to share it with your audiences...it could help to save a life.

My Facebook Post:  "I adore this man. His courage. His honesty. I truly hope his message gets shared even more....if it saves one life it is worth it! Truly inspirational!"

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Jewell =) xo

Friday Funny 10/15/10

Well folks, as you can see...I'm back to my usual self.  =)  I think I may have to start a Saturday blog post so that I can make up for the fact that I have sloughed off on posts on my crappy Thursdays.  I really hate Thursdays!!  Ahhh, well.  Something to consider!  =)  If you lovelies have any thoughts about me doing a Saturday post, don't hesitate to let me know in the comments, or you can email me by clicking the "Contact Jewell" link to top right under the Search box.

First I would like to say though, that even though I am not religious, I do believe in a higher power, and I absolutely can't be more thankful that all the miners (as well as the rescuers) in Chile are back home safe.  I truly believed that they were blessed and hope they are able to make better lives for themselves once all of the notoriety has passed.  I still worry about them after being in that hole for 69 days, but I truly hope that whoever or whatever watched over them all those days continues to help them heal from whatever scars (physical, mental, or emotional) that they may encounter as they return to "normal" life.

That being said...here is this week's Friday funny.  =)  While I do love the video of the sneezing baby panda, I have to say that these goats make me laugh equally as hard.  While I laugh like an idiot every time I see a video of this type of goat in action, I almost feel bad for them at the same time.  Talk about emotionally torn!  =)

Have a glorious weekend everyone!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

I hate Thursdays!

I hate Thursday's!  The worst day of my week every week!  Work chews me up and spits me out....the results are often ugly and very soggy!  On the upside...my lack of time lets me share some more funny pics that I came across since last week!  =)

See you tomorrow for this week's Friday Funny!  =)

Jewell =) xo

An epiphany...OW!

You know, I sat here on my couch last night staring at the TV watching as the rescue capsule went down the shaft in Chile in order to save the poor, courageous miners that have been trapped in their mine since August....69 very long days with the same men.  I was absolutely enthralled by the process, and was watching with such hope to see that they made it up safely.  Then I realized something....

"What?  That it is/was a super human interest story?  Something that movies are made about?", you ask.

Well, yeah, of course.  I mean, how can you not be amazed, constantly, at the strength of the human spirit?  But, really, that wasn't the epiphany that I had.

"Well, if that's not it, then what could you possibly have had an epiphany about?"

The fact that, at that moment, my thought was, "Goddamit....I want my basement office back up and in working order!"

"WHAT?!" I hear you squeal.

Really, please stop squealing!  You are piercing my eardrums!  Yes, that was my thought.  If my basement was back in working order so that I had a quiet place to run, spit out some pithy, yet brilliant, blog post, and run back upstairs to watch the rescue efforts.

I still haven't gotten the electrical taken care of.

Son----of----a----bitch!

The son of the guy who did our original electrical work was the one that came to get the details of what we wanted done so that he could fax us a quote. Apparently an hour of small town bullshit got me squat for my offer to throw money at them.  And all for the whining and complaining that their funds were getting thin because the electrical work that they were doing for the local Wal-Mart's weren't getting their coffers refilled fast enough.  (Apparently Wal-Mart is slow in paying their bills, and yet I never have been and my checks cleared...go figure!)  He was supposed to fax us a quote for the electrical and a seperate quote to do the drywall for us.  My hard earned dough for not only his dad's business in the electrical portion, but money in his pocket to do the drywall.  Those quotes were supposed to be there within 2 days, and work to start within 2 weeks.  I gave up counting how long it was since he'd been here at 5 weeks.

At some point the husband him called his dad to ask if they were still interested in the job because we hadn't gotten the quote.  His dad said yes that he was still interested, that he would check with his son about getting us a quote.  Nothing.  The dad called us again the other night, asked us if we'd gotten the quote yet.  Nada.  The husband him said that he sounded pretty pissed off that sonny-boy had fucked around with that, but that he would check into it and call us back in a couple days to see if we'd gotten anything.  Zilch.  Now dad is taking shit over because apparently he's finally realized that his son is a lazy, no good, fool.  All he had to do was ask me....the son was my original horseshoer when I first moved out here and he was a no good, lazy, unreliable nit-wit even back then.

So....my office still looks a lot like this....piles of lumber and the black hole of my brain!

I was hoping for having this done by Christmas...maybe by next Christmas!  Hell, at this rate I could build an entire house faster than it's taking to get work done on a measley little 500 sq ft basement.   Ooo!  Now there's a thought! 

Oh, honey!?!?!?!?!  >=-)

Jewell  =) xo

I can't make this shit up!!

Trying to find pictures to go in some of the posts that I put out for you people can get interesting at times.  This time, for this little trip through blog-land, a pair of handcuffs easily fit the motif of the topic.  However, finding a picture that is either PG-13 or not boring can, at times, be a bit of a challenge.  When I came across this picture I couldn't help but laugh!  *snort*

Aren't you all lucky?  I felt like sharing?  Muwahahahahaha!  >=-)

Anywho...on to the real reason for this post!

Well, I think it's finally happened.  I have found the dumbest criminals of all time, and you, my love-erly friends, get to bear witness to the outstanding, awe inspiring stupidity of the dumbest criminals to bless this beautifully fucked up earth of ours.

My buddy Ron at If I Had A Blog (1) seems to believe that I am some genealogical genius based on what he sees on my Mugshot Mondays.  I'm not quite sure where he thinks I've found this extremely fruitful tree of idiots, straight jacket aficionados, morons, and downright ugly people; however, he appears to have himself convinced, and who am I to try to disillusion him.  =)  However, whether you tend to agree with Ron on that point or not, I think all of you will agree that these 2 are the perfect fruits to top that tree.

First we have Mr. Matthew Kinard.  Now, Mr Kinard and the long arm of the law have met on a prior occassion on drug related issues.

Then we have Ms. Selma Elmore.  She too has had the opportunity to become acquainted with the long arm of the law. Her prior issue?  She failed to pay a fine that she had been issued.

Ok, so now that we have the players, and their prior issues laid out, here's my conclusion.  They were seperated at birth!

"Why?" you may ask.

Well let me tell you (2), within a month of each other, almost to the day, they had the unmitigated, stupdendous gall to willingly seek out and ask 2 different police officers in 2 different states the exact same question.

"No way!" you exclaim.

"WAY!" I reply.

"What question?" you inquire.

Well you are soooooo not going to believe this...

"Do I have a warrant out for my arrest?"

(Wait for it.  Wait..........for..........it.......)

*thunk*  *bang*  *thwack*

There it is......*Jewell begins fanning her collective readers after they have passed out, banged their heads on their desks, or thumped themselves in the foreheads*

Oh yeah!  That's right!  These 2 inglorious numb skulls sought out the po-po so that they could see if they had warrants for their arrests.  Guess what happened next?  You guessed it....they received a free ride to the pokey with some newly acquired bling.

I can't make this shit up, people!

And, seriously, the absolute BEST part of this?  Mr. Kinard is the very self aware sort, because, during his free ride, he was heard by the arresting lady po-po to have said....."I am the stupidest criminal in the world."

Yes, Mr. Kinard.  Yes, you are.  And so, apparently, is the long lost sister that you were, so clearly, separated from at birth.  Maybe when you both are done with your stints up river you should consider a family reunion.

If you are interested in reading the stories of these two, obviously, related folks.....go here for Ms. Elmore and here for Mr. Kinard.  And if you do nothing else, please visit the page for Mr. Kinard.  His picture is abso-fucking-lutely priceless!  (3)

(1) - I really need to sit this boy down and have a discussion with him and let him know that he really does have a blog...I've actually seen it!  =)

(2) - Now, I must insert the obligatory I am not responsible for any or all items within a 25 mile radius of your current location (or significantly further than that, but I'm being conservative).  I am also not in any way, shape, or form responsible for any bodily harm that may occur.  Should you have food or drink within reach, please do not hold either until such time you are done reading past this point. If you are standing, you may want to sit.  If you are on a chair that rolls, you might consider sitting on the floor.  Consider yourself amply warned, and if you didn't read this completely warped version of Jewell-legaleez, until AFTER such time your stuff or your self were harmed.....tough shit.  It applies retroactively!  =)

(3) - And by the looks of it....he already dressed to impress...nice stripes dude!  *snort*  =)


Jewell =) xo

Mugshot Monday 10/11/10

QUICK!  SOMEONE POKE HIM WITH A SHARP STICK!

He looks like he's been spending too much time imbibing his own product!  *snort*  =)

This week's mugshot and story here...

Enjoy!

Jewell  =)  xo

I think I found it.....

Ok, so yesterday's post I mentioned feeling off.  So =-p~~~~ to you if you had some smart ass comment that you mumbled to yourself about just how far off I really am! Humpf! 

I am typing as I think, and I doubt that by the time I wring all of this out I will be going back through to do much editing.  So I hope you are able to follow along with my thoughts as they flow....

Anywho, I thought I would try to come up with what it was that was blocking the funny train inside my head.  I think it's simply that I am tired.  Not tired of blogging...I get more laughs in a day than should be legal either by reading the blogs of others or by the comments my stalkers leave behind here.

I guess part of me is tired because I am blessed in so many ways, and my only reaction anymore to some of the news stories that I see, in print or on TV, is to shake my head.  (1)

I believe in the basic good of humanity, and the huge hearts that people (as a rule) have.  When I see horrible things happen to either good and innocent people or see others take advantage of the good in others is makes me want to relieve myself of the world altogether.  Now, while I may not always agree with the people all of the time (2) I believe in the base good of humanity as a whole.  Take Hurricane Katrina, it was a huge, devastating blow to New Orleans and all of the states affected along the Gulf of Mexico, but people's hearts, appointment books, and wallets opened up all around the world to help those that were hit so hard.  The same thing with 9/11, the world grieved over innocence lost.

Recently, in the news, though there is a "new" (as in 3 years old new) story that has just broken my heart.  It's only been piled on top of other stories of late that laid foundational cracks, but this one did my heart in. The story is about a family destroyed by something as simple and nothing more grandiose than pure evil.  (3)  The story is about the attack and murder of Jennifer Hawke-Petit and her 2 gorgeous daughters.  The husband and father, barely making out of the house alive after being beaten with a baseball bat couldn't even walk, once he escaped his home, and had to roll across the yard to get to a neighbor's house to get help.  (Do a search for Mrs. Petit's full name if you aren't aware of the story.) When I first heard about this on the news, and heard the 911 call from the bank teller I seriously thought it was something from a movie (as I wasn't paying much attention to the TV at the time the story came on).  The more I listened, the more horrified I became.  Then I became down right pissed off that these, these things (4) could do the things that they did to a woman who hoped and prayed with every fiber of her being that her last trip to the bank was going to save herself and her family.

Today though...all of that morphed into a deep, soul soaking sadness for the husband and father, the only survivor.  Today was the finale of the first trial of one of the men being tried for the, the....heinous (and that word just seems to epically fail to cover the depth) crimes committed on this family.  This man sat through the trial, witnessed testimony after testimony every day.  Through the trial he hasn't made much by way of public comment because he in no way wanted to say anything that might affect this trial or the trial to come, but upon the guilty verdict of 16 of 17 counts for the first defendant he came to the podium outside the courthouse and said a few words this afternoon.  I sat on my couch and sat mesmerized by this man.  I wondered in my head how he could possibly "survive"...and I mean the word survive on every possible level...the atrocities not only that he witnessed on the women in his family, but to himself.  So this afternoon, when he came out to speak with reporters, I was as mesmerized as I could possibly be.  His strength to be able to live through this commanded my respect and my empathy.  As he spoke, I studied him.  I listened to every word, studied every nuance of his being...I wanted to understand how someone could begin to cope with everything that he's not only currently going through, but still has to endure before some part of his nightmare will be over.  What I saw was a man whose string was so incredibly thin that I was sure a breakdown was going to be imminent once the cameras were turned off, and my heart broke with a simple tear.  The need to cry for this man is deep, and it seems it's completely derailed my funny...

I apologize for the downer of a post...but in yesterday's post I said I would try to put my finger on what it was...I think I found it.

(1) - And this is seriously something that could cause permanent damage to my already less than functional brain cells.

(2) - ....if ever actually....  I'm kind of an independent snot that way!

(3) - And I promise you, I am in no way religious, but there is no word in my vocabulary that could cover the depth of darkness inside the 2 men that committed the crimes.  Evil is as close as I can begin to come.

(4) - I would have said animals, but that would be an insult on perfectly innocent 4 legged animals that don't deserve that sort of comparison.

Hug someone you love...it's important for them and for you.

Jewell  =) xo

Things that made me laugh....

I have no funny today...I'm kinda in a weird, icky, kind of "off" mood.  So I thought I would share some things that made me actually laugh today....while I see if I can't put a finger on it for a post.

Hope you found a giggle (or a chuckle if you are of the manly variety).  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Ahhh - Fall!

Ok, I know that there are loads of posts out there about fall at the moment.  So many in fact your probably feeling a bit of frost bite at having to read yet ANOTHER post. (1)

No...sadly not one of my pictures  =(

Honestly, I'm pretty partial to both ends of the year.  I love spring and fall equally.  They each have their advantages...each gives you something new and different to look forward to - warmer / cooler weather, vacations / holidays.  They each have their own smells, their own vibrations in the world.  For those of us that are visually inspired (2) there is always something new to see, something to fall in love with all over again, something with which to find awe, inspiration, motivation, and purpose.

But fall always brings one extra thing that, especially here in the Middle-of-Nowhere Missouri, is a sure fire sign that fall has arrived and winter is just around the corner....

The visual assault of camouflage.  EVERYWHERE!  On EVERYTHING and EVERYONE!  Now I don't mean that it's an occasional jacket or t-shirt.  Nope.  That would be simple.  It wouldn't be to the point of verging on chronic temporary closet blindness.  Nope, something that small and insignificant could go almost unseen.  (3) 

No, when fall arrives in these parts the influx of camouflage into one's field of vision is so extreme it's like US Army bases within a 5 state radius convoy their way here to puke the horrible color patterns all over our lovely state.

It. Is. Horrible. Blech!

I was walking through Walmart the other day, pushing my groceries around trying to find a line that didn't stretch all the way back to the electronics department (4), and there was a guy standing in line wearing camouflage boots, overalls, and hat. 

"Eh - is that all?!" I hear you ask. 

Of course not!  Would I really make a think (5) out of camouflage if there wasn't more!  Sheesh!  No, that's definitely not all...  He was holding on to one single, solitary item. 

"Well, what was it already?!  Geez...you always drag shit out...it gets really annoying." I hear you grumble in my direction. 

Well...I....oh shuddup!  =-p  It was a shirt, ok?!  It was damned thermal henley style shirt.  In camouflage!  Blech!

I really, really hate camouflage!

On the funny side though....military units worldwide should always be very vigilant with camouflage or things could get sticky with the brass....

(1)  Yeah - suck it up.  I could care less.  Grab a thermal blanket, pop a thermometer in your mouth and be a good stalker!!  =-p

(2)  Or those of us that are easily distracted from the task laid out in front of us!  *snort*  =)

(3)  Bahahahahahahaha!  I crack myself up!  *snort!*

(4)  Hey!  That's not a bad idea.  At least then I could stand there and watch a rerun of a football game on one of the 50,000 TVs rather than trying to find something else to look at that doesn't include the toddler in front of me that's picking his nose and devouring the treasure that's been unearthed.  Note to self:  Pick the line closest to the electronics department.

(5) And yes...I said think instead of thing!  =-p  Some people have bowel movements, I have thinks!  Get over it!  It's all about the same damned thing in the end!  =-p

Happy fall, y'all! 

Jewell  =)  xo

Mugshot Monday 10/4/10

There really should be a caption contest for this guy's mugshot!  I couldn't help but wonder how many times this guy's mother saw this look when he was growing up!  LOL  =)

This week's mugshot and story here...

My Caption Might Be: "Crap! Busted Again!"  or "Well that didn't work out as planned!"

Would love to hear your caption ideas for this fool!  =)

Enjoy!

Jewell =) xo

Friday Funny 10/1/10

Ok....one of the people that I stalk regularly once mentioned in her one and only comment here that she loves this video...I love this video too!

If you haven't already seen this video, well then you really need to find a way to wrench yourself out of that rock or cave in which you reside because life out here in the light is waaaaaaaaaaay more fun. (1)

So in honor of Trisha at Confessions of a Recovering Cynic and all the times that she's made me laugh (2)....an oldie but a goodie!  =)

(1) - Not to mention significantly less creepy to those of us that are more of the perverse version of normal.

(2) - Of course that's not to diminish the number of times I've cackled like a hyena at this ridiculously hysterical video! =)

Glorious weekend to one and all!

Jewell  =) xo