Tuesday, August 31, 2010

My dog - she's just not right in the head

(1 & 1b)

Anywho, yesterday was one of those days.  You know the one I'm talking about. (2)

You don't?  Really?  Hrrrmmm....well ok, let me break it down for you:
  1. You wake up more tired than you were when you went to bed the night before.  
  2. Nothing goes right all day, no matter how hard you try to keep your cool.  
  3. Clumsy becomes your first, middle, last and nick names, and bruises in stupid places are your tattoos to indicate all the places on your body that in no way could be confused with a "funny bone".
  4. Your ambition and motivation both decided to join your sense of humor on its vacation, and you?  Yeah, you weren't invited.
In other words? It was a fucking Monday.

Anywho, I digress. (3)  So I get home from spending some time using some REAL internet access at the office, and what do I find but the dog staring at her own ass.  I wish I'd had my camera at that point, because it was quite queer the way she was doing it.  I sat in the car a couple extra minutes just staring at her, because she sure as hell wasn't paying any attention to the fact that someone had driven into the driveway - AGAIN!!  (4)

Even after I get out of the car I barely get a glance, and certainly no tail wag.  She just resumes staring at her ass.  Now it's not like she was licking, or scratching, or even sniffing.  No!  Not my dog!  Why in the world would she consider doing something that NORMAL dogs do, no, she's vain and self absorbed apparently and completely enthralled with the sight of her own ass!

So I give up on any validation from my dog and go in the house to my cats who are infinitely more excited to see me than the dog was!  The husband him had already started dinner.  Mainly because I had already informed him that if eating was on his agenda of things to do that evening, then him cooking dinner had best become his top priority. (5) I wasn't in the mood, and I was too flipping tired to give an amoeba's ass the time of day.  (6)

I got settled in, did a quick bit of work, and while he was cooking I figured I had enough time that I could run out and feed the horse, because he can be a real nag when he isn't fed.  (7) 


So, I give him his scoop of grain, and start walking back to the house, and I see that Angie is doing one of these sorts of things on her chain....


As I get closer I see that she's apparently figured out that she has something to guard the house against.


Yeah....it's apparently the big evil bunny monster.  You can tell, she's guarding intently, now that she's realized that the she's not getting any closer to the rabbit.


Apparently "Evil Peter" (8) has come to steal all the vegetables from the house, to taunt the cats mercilessly (oh - yeah - and the dog too), and to kill the husband him and I in a slow, painful death related to it's uber-cuteness.





Yeah...just another day in paradise!  =-p




(1) - Ok, so pretty sure that you have met Angie.  If not, you might want to take just a second to get to know a little about her in this post.
   (1b) --- So There!  Starting off the post with a side note!  Take THAT!  =-p

(2) - Yes you do!  Don't give me that crap, you know you do.  And not only do you know, you've been there AND collected the t-shirt, the ball cap and the freaking coffee mug!  =-p

(3) - Yes, I digressed, again! Shut it....this blog is nothing but one big digression!  =)

(4) - I'm thinking that it's time that I be offended.  I mean aren't dogs supposed to be excited to see you when you come home?  Aren't they the ones that are supposed to trip over themselves with joy that you've returned to make their lives complete?  My dog is quite obviously DEFECTIVE!

(5) - Ok, it was probably a lot less forceful and dramatic than that.  It was probably closer to, "you are cooking dinner because I'm too damned tired.", but who cares...it's my story!  =-p

(6) - And no, I haven't any damned clue if amoeba's have actual asses as you and I know them.  So don't ask me...I don't care!  =-p

(7) - ((((Insert appropriate losing game show sounds here for stupid joke))))  Wah wah wah!!

(8) - That would be Peter Cottontail's evil twin brother that you never hear or read about!!!  I'm telling you he's real...I.Have.Pictures!  =)

Jewell  =)

Monday, August 30, 2010

Mugshot Monday 8/30/10

Ok, I had to post this one in honor my friend Annie.  On a previous Mugshot Monday (1) she had misread the article and thought that that genius had actually made the call, that got him into trouble, from the jail.

Well, while that genius didn't, this genius did, and looking at his mugshot....who really could be all that surprised.


Yeah - we grow the brilliant ones over here on this side of the pond.  =)

(1) - A reference that normally I would link back to, however, the article is no longer available on the website so it really wouldn't do much good.  Leave it to say that this article is along the same lines....you'll just have to trust me!  =-p  Suckers!  =)

Enjoy!

Jewell =)
 

Friday, August 27, 2010

Friday Funny 8/27/10

I'm not sure if anyone who's reading this blog has ever been to a concert.  I have...it was only one and that was more than enough for me.  I have to say though, based on this video - there is a rash of things that are -----off----- here.

First...the guy that is going to be the singer....looks like, well, like......well - a poser.  I'm thinkin' he's taken the whole "hair band" mentality a little too far not to mention all WRONG! (1)

Second...they seem to be only good enough to be popular with a whole whopping one person...me thinks this doesn't bode well for their performance.

Well here - you really need to watch this...it does kinda speak for itself!  O_o



(1) - Not to mention that I am a bit afraid if he starts headbanging while he's singing, that headband is going to fail because of the G-forces and that hair on his head is going to land on some unfortunate, unsuspecting soul like a ferret on LSD.

 Rock On Dudes & Dudettes!!


Jewell  =)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Doing business in The Middle of Nowhere

You know, I grew up in a small town in IL.  Well, actually I lived outside of town somewhere between a corn field, a soy bean field, and the local pig farm.  (1)  I graduated (2) with the majority of the people that I went to Kindergarten with.  The biggest thing was the local carnival every summer, and how big we could get our hair to stay standing up in the heat, humidity, running, riding, and general foolishness of teenagers.  We had no stop light.  We had no fast food restaurants.  We had one gas station.  The biggest thing to do on a Friday night was to drive up and down the main drag in town or go to the roller skating rink.  And if you said one thing wrong about your mother or skipped class, you were assured of her smacking you upside the head the second your shadow crossed the door jamb.  (3)

Oh well, that should give you a good idea of the environment that I grew up in.  So after receiving my diploma er my napkin I went to the big city north of town to go to the local Junior College.  That was a bit of a culture shock, but I adjusted well enough, moved out from there and down to the 4 yr school at the more southern end of the state.  After school I moved out of IL to live with the guy I met (now the husband him) on the burgeoning internet (4) in Las Vegas, NV.

Going from the middle of nowhere, to somewhere, and back to the middle of nowhere tends to put a shock in the system.  I mean really, even after all this time being back in the midwest (6 years this October), it's a bit of a shock the way business is conducted around these parts.

No STILL Not Me (7)
A couple years ago we had a water problem (5) in our basement that required that we pull everything out.  Doing so has given us a chance to remodel, and though the project has been in a perpetual state of remodel we are finally getting back into the swing of things.  When we first moved in, the telephone company guy gave us the name and number of a local electrician he trusted to come and install more electrical outlets and run the new phone lines into the house.  So we called him, he did, and we were grateful.  Now though we are putting walls into the basement so it's not one big space and we need to modify the outlets so that they will work with drywall.  (6)

So the son of the guy that handled the original install came out tonight to find out what we wanted so that he could work out a quote for us.  As it turns out the son also does construction work and is able to do drywall install (8) for the walls.   Win / Win   In the end the REAL upside is that the husband him and I won't kill each other dealing with this project. (9)

So, if you have never lived in the middle of nowhere, here's how doing business tends to work.
  • The son, JM, comes over, and we shoot the general shit, go downstairs and go through the things that we would like him to quote on.  
  • We shoot the shit, he asks us some questions and we answer them.  
  • Then we shoot the shit, and I think of a question that I had wanted to ask about.  
  • Shocker!  We shoot the shit more, and then we go out to the garage to try and come up with a way to keep the mice from coming into my little closet I have in the basement, and we shoot the shit some more. 



Well, you should get the drift.  The key thing I forgot about doing business in the middle of nowhere...patience!! 

I think the sum total time it took us to outline the things we wanted a quote on...10 minutes of give and take between the 3 of us.  Total time it took him to spend here...about an hour.  Total number of buckets of shit needing to be removed to a compost pile in someone else's yard...ten.





(1) - The trauma of growing up with THAT smell, in the heat of summer, down wind, day or night..... Well it actually probably explains a lot about the way that my brain skips, creaks, sparks, fizzles, pops, wheezes....*squeal*    
Sooooo-weeeeeeeee!

(2) - Yes it's true, I did in fact graduate.   Shocking!  I know!   They were so desperate to get rid of me that they just scribbled my diploma on a napkin and shoved me across the stage. 

(3) - My bell is still ringing....*blush*

(4) - This was about the same time that there was guy in the Chicagoland area meeting girls via the internet (which I might add isn't the internet it is today), killing them, and burying them in the back yard.  My parents were soooooo thrilled?  =)  *snort*

(5) - Yeah...a water problem....it's more like Hurricanes Gustav and Ike completely skipped water and gushed into my basement.  Louisiana? The Gulf?  Nah - what say we go drench The Middle of Nowhere in Missouri!  Sheesh!

(6) - Because putting them behind the drywall, while a much easier and cheaper solution not real conducive to actually plugging things in.  *shrug*  Yeah - I am picky like that. Sue me!  =-p

(7) - And really, how could you have possibly thought that could have been me?  I mean, I know I am mental *eyeballs Annie*, but really, who the fuck is really ever that happy to go up a freaking ladder?  Me?  Not only know, but hell no, thank you very much!  =-p

(8) - The thought of doing that job myself, frankly, was giving me hives.  Now don't get me wrong I am a DIYer where possible.  I hate having to rely on people to do something the way that I want it, in the time frame that I want it done - yes, I have control freak tendencies don't judge me!  =-p  Not only that, but it also tends to cost me less $$$ when I do it myself ... I'm a pro money saving where possible!  =)

(9) - Let me stress...THIS project!  There is always a project going on at some point where we are just this |.| far way from committing 1st degree murder and paving our way to the chair and a final meal.  =)

Now where is my damned hammer???  *sigh*

Jewell  =)

 

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Have I mentioned…..

….that I REALLY hate shopping?  Hmmm, well it seems that I MIGHT have mentioned it once, but, because I have some weird, twisted, and downright sick love for you people, I won’t beat a dead horse (1), nor will I go out and beat a wilted dog (2), or go out and kick rocks at the chickens (3), instead I will further expound on this statement by saying that it includes GROCERY SHOPPING!  Ack!

Frankly, this is just another form of torture for me.  One of 2 things always occurs, I either shop while starving and spend a fortune on food that couldn’t make a complete meal if Emeril (4) were confronted with the grocery cart or I shop while not hungry and walk out with barely anything and a growing resentment toward the elderly.

“The elderly?”, you say.  Yeah!!!  I said it!  Grocery shopping makes me anti-old people.  Ok??  That doesn’t make me a bad person!  (5)

Here’s just a snippet of my grocery shopping experiences to give you some flavor.  (6) 
  • I go in to do some grocery shopping, grab my cart, pull out my list (7), handcuff one wrist of the husband him to the cart so he can’t wander off and so things can’t magically appear in the cart that WEREN’T ON THE LIST!
  • I go down my first aisle, grab what I need, and say politely “Excuse us.” as I push past some white haired woman who’s parked her ass and her cart smack dab in the middle of the aisle, staring blankly at the shelves, list hanging limply in hand.  Grab what I need and move on to the next aisle.
  • Pull cart into 2nd aisle, same white haired woman, same blank look, same middle of the aisle parking spot as the aisle right before, her list is beginning to strongly resemble a shank (8).  Some shock on my part that she can move so fast.  Again, “Excuse us.”, this time add a smile that says “crazy how easy it is to run into each other again so soon, isn’t it?”
  • Grab some things from the refrigerated section, skip an aisle or 2 because I don’t bake, pull on the husband him’s ear to yank him away from whatever thing he is trying to grab off the shelf, tighten handcuff, and start down aisle 3.  SHOCKER!!  SAME white haired woman, this time pushing said cart down the middle of the 3rd aisle at a pace a turtle could out run.  She stops (dead center of course), turns back to look at something she passed, gets confused look on her face, shakes head, harrumphs, continues forward, stops (again!), turns around (again in the middle of the aisle), flips a bitch leaving NO room for going around her,  and pushes past to shuffle by in the direction she just came from, elbows husband him out of her way, looks briefly in my direction…mumbles something incoherent.  In the meantime, I start to grumble quietly about the lack of common courtesy in people and wonder quietly to myself if her eyes were an odd shade of red.
  • See white haired woman in the 4th aisle I want to traverse, choose to skip that aisle and return later.  Go to 5th aisle…yeah – she’s there.  Planted in the middle of the aisle again.  Beginning to think that she’s got some sort of time travel device in the duffle bag she calls a purse.  I grumble, go back to aisle 4, and W-T-F!?  There she is.  Staring at me.  From. The. Middle. Of. The. Aisle.    I handcuff husband him’s other hand to the cart, put down my list, grab some tortillas as ammunition and start whistling like Eddie Murphy in this clip from "Delirious" 
    Anyway, you get the idea…I hate shopping, and I hate grocery shopping.  REALLY!


    (1)    – Mainly because he is alive and well. He's even kicking because the horseflies are bugging him again! 

    (2)    – For a visual example of what a wilted dog really looks like, visit this post.  I documented the poor, stinky, wilted beast recently.  

    (3)    – It’s neither here nor there that they are always HERE rather than THERE!  Oh well, at least it isn’t the neighbor’s goats roaming around in the yard with their psycho dogs in tow.  *shakes head*  Don’t ask – that’s another story for another day...

    (4)     - That would be Lagasse in case you were wondering if I shucked one husband for a newer model.  For all you non-foodies out there…he’s the guy that we saw on TV a lot a few years back who's catch phrase is, “BAM!”  

    (5)    – Well, ok, I am pretty sure it does make me a bad person on some level, but no where near bad enough that I would be taking up early residence in the apartment I already have reserved in hell.  =)  BTW, always looking for roommates.  If you think you’ll be visiting in the hereafter, let me know, I have a lovely view of the fire pit….errrrr – a pit of fire actually!  It’s quite cozy!  =)  

    (6)    – And when I say “flavor”, I mean it happens every fucking time I am in the store.  An NO that is NOT an exaggeration (probably), so keep your “WHATever!”’s to yourself smarty pants!

    (7)    – Providing that I actually remembered said list and didn't, instead, leave it languishing on the counter to taunt me upon my return home.  Don't look at me that way!  If you have never been taunted by your forgotten shopping list you are living might sad and boring existence!  

    (8) - Not that I have a shank, own a shank, know anyone that can make a shank....ok - I'll stop saying shank now!

    Jewell  =)

    Tuesday, August 24, 2010

    The insanity of it all!! *overly dramatic wrist to forehead*

    You know, there are things that I come across in the news, either in my every day work routine or because I signed up for stuff to keep me entertained over the years (1) that just make me want to crawl under a rock and pretend that I am not human.  Really, a lot of what I see in the media just isn't right on any level.

    This past week was no different.  The complete and utter shock that I experienced from reading an article was unavoidable. (2)  Please allow me the privilege of, once again, bemoaning the idea that politicians are, at their very essence, stupid. (3) Now I know that I have hinted (4) that I have no love lost for politicians...most notably in this post and I might have displayed some level of keen discontent with them in this post(5)  Until now though? Not so much any real appreciation for the scope of the idiocy required to become a politician.  These people seriously have gone a little too far this time around.  Don't our first responders have enough to deal with on a daily basis than to deal with idiot politicians like the ones in Belfair, WA?  Here is a quote of the first 2 lines of the article.

    Belfair’s water district has padlocked the area’s fire hydrants — a move its manager says is necessary to cut down on water theft.


    That hasn’t sat well with the personnel in the fire district. The chief says his department wasn’t informed of the change, nor was he given keys to open the hydrants during a fire.
    Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiice!  So, apparently, if you live in Belfair, WA, the politics there don't include allowing your house, family or pets the chance to escape a F---I---R---E!  Hello?! You fucking idiots!  *pant, pant, pant*  You have to read the rest of the article....if I copy and paste any more of it I just might spontaneously combust. (6)

    Honestly, by the time I got done reading this article, I had this song ringing through my head - ENJOY!  =)


    In other news of the insane...it might not be advisable for bloggers to move to Philadelphia either.  Apparently there is a big heaping load of bat-shit crazy politician work being done there too....UGH!  (Thanks (?) to SciFi Chick for the link to this one.)



    (1) - Or because I have sick, twisted, not-right-in-the-head friends....  O_o  You know who you people are!!! 

    (2) - So unavoidable,  so earth shatteringly surprising that I was unable to find any picture to properly convey exactly how dumbfounded I was at the story being told.  Please....those faint of heart....don't look at the article...save yourselves now!!  RUN!

    (3) - Not that you really could not allow me to bemoan anything because, well, it is my blog and I have world domination here, and all of you are nothing more than my minions for my amusement.  *eh-hem*  Or something like that...annnny-who!  *whistles innocently while backing quietly away from the masses*

    (4) - Yes...I did say "hinted"!  Problem with my choice of tense??  Well stick it!  =-p

    (5) - Ok, so TECHnically I might have kinda, sorta, maybe yelled at them (just a little) - but that's merely semantics.  I mean, you get the gist of what I'm trying to say here, right?  No?  Hmm....  Ok, well then, tough, because I'll be damned if I'm going to hold your hand through the warped twists and turns that are my brain! I mean, REALLY!  Some people's children!  *shakes head*

    (6) - And then what would you all do without me to bring levity to your day?   Continue on like I never deigned grace your computer monitor?  Yeah - that's what I figured!  You ungrateful stalkers!  Harumphhhhhhh!  

    Time to get fitted for a new "jacket"  =-p

    Jewell  =)
     

    Monday, August 23, 2010

    Mugshot Monday 8/23/10

    I'm pretty sure that if a guy is going to break into my house in the middle of the night I would really prefer him to look like ::    (in no particular order *grin*)


    I would prefer the guy who actually breaks into my house, drunk and naked NOT be this guy....


    Forever delusionally yours,

    Jewell  =)

    Friday, August 20, 2010

    Friday Funny 8/20/10

    This week's guy absolutely made me smile!  Though there are a couple of things that really should never happen...

    1.  White guys.........................really shouldn't rap.
    2.  White guy math geeks...........................................really, REALLY shouldn't rap! =)

    However, I give this guy HUGE props trying to make this work in his favor, and trying to be innovative.  Being a good teacher is hard.  Being an excellent teacher is pretty close to impossible.  He's on the road to doing both well.



    Word!  Have a great weekend! Yo!

    Jewell  =)

    Thursday, August 19, 2010

    My name is Jewell - and I'm an idiot!

    There really needs to be anonymous meetings for people like me.  Honest!  Some people have honest to goodness real fears of things.  Well I guess I do too since I absolutely HATE spiders the size of my foot!  *shudder*  But honestly...stupid shit is what wigs me out.

    For example...my hair length right now (at it's longest point) isn't that far from my butt.  (1)  Well, let me back up in the story a little bit.

    The entire time I was growing up (2) I would get my hair done in pretty much the same style but always by the same lady and for as long as I can remember.  Now Kathy...she's a Goddess with shears.  Unfortunately she wanted nothing to do with being packed in my car with the rest of my belongings when I moved 3 hrs away to college. (3) 

    After a while of not having my hair done I started to look a lot a bit like Cousin It.  The waves in It's hair were nothing compared to the cluster %#*&$  that my hair turned into when the perm started to fall out of it.  And when the perm was completely gone....flat as a board and about as attractive.  So, off to find a reputable hair stylist in another small town.  Shouldn't really that hard a of a feat you wouldn't think.  Small town, high student population...good money for someone in the hair styling profession, yeah?  *sigh*  No.  Well I don't think I should say that exactly.  I thought she did a great job.  Good perm (4), cuts looked even.  I was a happy camper.

    Cut to holiday time at home.  Hair needed an update in the trim department, and Kath hadn't run for the hills the second I pulled away from the front of the building the last time we'd met.  I sit down, I jabber jaw...she stops and stares at the back of my head. (5)

         KATHY:  Why do you have a hole in your hair?

         ME:  Ummm..come again? *spinning the chair in circles trying to see the back of my head*

         KATHY: You have a huge (6) hole of missing hair in the back of your head.

         ME:  *spin, spin, spin*  FIX IT!!!  *spin, spin, spin*  FIX IT!!!!  *spin, spin, thump, wimper*

         KATHY:  *grumbling something I'm sure wasn't at all flattering and to this day hasn't been
                          translated*

    So Kathy, Goddess of the Shears fixes the problem.  Me...never goes back to the crazy voodoo hairstyling lady again.....returns to embracing her Cousin It-ness.  Bleh!

    So fast forward a gajillion years (7) to the move to the middle of nowhere Missouri.  I meat Robin.  Nice lady, recommended by the husband him as being a nice lady who listens to what you want done, doesn't talk your ear off about stupid shit, and is reasonably priced.

    So I decide to go in and throw caution to the wind....I hand her a picture of a hairdo I want done.  Not one that I have ever had done before, something new....and I'm trusting a complete stranger with it.  In the end...happy.  Not only was my hair long enough that she says I can donate the extra length to Locks of Love, she handles the mailing of it herself.  When she's done she doesn't really style it the way I want, but it was easily fixed with a fresh wash and style at home.  Me = Happy, happy, happy girl.  I finally found another Goddess with the shears and discovered a new way to help someone else by donating my hair. (8)

    So I decided that I would grow out my hair again for Locks of Love.  It takes a long time to actually get it to 1 - a length that they can use once it's been cut off your head but also 2 - a length that you have enough hair for the hairstylist to play with once it's been lopped off.  I have been at both points for quite some time now but now I am wigging out and being an idiot again.  Why?  Because the last time I tried to go in an get a hair cut, with the wonderful Robin, she had quit working to have another baby and stay home.  HOW DARE SHE!  The unmitigated gall.  CRAP!  *sigh*  Now I am back to looking like Cousin It (9) and no one to trust not to put a hole in my head again!

    The husband him keeps offering to cut it for me.  He promises that he can get the right amount of hair cut off in one piece for Locks of Love.  Yeah - there is sooooooooooo NOT enough alcohol for such a venture.  *growl*


    (1) - Actually I am aspiring Crystal Gayle of yesteryear!  No...not really..read on!

    (2) - Well, ok....if you are going to be that way about it.  My body was growing up...my brain still hasn't caught up yet.  Bite me =-p

    (3) - I don't know...she kept mumbling something over and over about kids and a husband and they needed her, and blah, blah, blah....  I couldn't really hear her that well over my foot stomping, crying, screaming, sniffling, choke-coughing, etc....I admit it...it was a full fledged temper tantrum.  I'm not proud!

    (4) - Read she didn't turn me into a burn victim with the solution that she would spray willy nilly actually hoping to hit the curlers that were sticking out of my head.  Shouldn't be hard...especially since I used to have close to 500 of them in at a time...

    (5) - And not the stunned amazement of someone who's in awe of another's outstanding work!  More like the horror of someone who's witnessing an alien bursting from the inside out.

    (6) - Said more like "HUUUUUUUUUUGE!"

    (7) - Yeah...it's a number!  I'm no math genius, but I'm figuring it's right up there with the number I don't have enough fingers and toes for that labels this country's current debt.

    (8) - At this point it's a good thing because I'm pretty sure Kathy packed up her family and moved to a different country after she saw me the last time....though I don't really understand why.  *shrug*

    (9) - Albeit for a good cause and all....but still!

    My name is Jewell - and I'm an idiot without a hairstylist and a Cousin It complex!

    Jewell
     

    Wednesday, August 18, 2010

    There are days!

    Ya know...there are just days when I think that men (1) need to be put on their own planet.  A place that is easily accessible to those of us that may decide we would like to partake, periodically, of a man's uses. (2)

    Come on!  Let's face it!  Men are just plain weird.  How is it that we are able to put up with them on a daily basis anyway?

    For example, here's a bit of weirdness that I put up with as far as DH is concerned. (3)  The other day we decided it was one of those days that we weren't overly hungry for dinner and didn't feel like cooking, didn't feel like going out, and decided, rather than worry about a meal that neither of us was overly excited about, the evening was just going to be a "snack your way through till morning" type of night. 

    The problem with this diabolically, ingenious plan is that, as a general rule, I try not to keep snacks in the house. (4)  So off to the grocery we go.

    Now, on the occasion I do buy stuff for me to munch on, I really do try to make a conscious effort to find something that 1 - fills me up  2 - doesn't fill me out.  So, rather than reach for a bag of caramel Ghirardelli squares *drool* (5) I will make myself go to the produce section.  This is a pretty close facsimilie of what I walked out with that evening...though not exact.... (6)

    So I have my fruits and vegetables in my little hand basket, turn around, and the husband him - no where to be found. (7)  So off I go trying to find the grown man that is lost in the store, probably in the gum and candy isle when he should be looking for something good to snack on that will also ward off his own great expansion. 

    See, husband him tends to be, what I call, "a qualifier".  Here's how the scenario usually plays out :: 
    • He'll pick something up, like a whole freaking gallon of rocky road ice cream, as a snack.  
    • Then I will give him the "oh-you-can't-be-effin'-serious-that's-gonna-make-you-croak-and-then-I-will-have-to-figure-out-how-to-cash-in-the-life-insurance-and-become-known-as-the-crazy-bitch-down-the-street" look.  
    • Then he gives me the "everybody-already-thinks-you-are-the-crazy-ass-bitch-down-the-street" look.
    • Then I morph my look into the "bite-me" look.
    • Then he says, "What?!  It's dairy!"   <--- the qualifier!!
    • Then I *sigh* and cry quietly on my way the register
    This trip to the store, though, we made it out without him thinking he was getting dairy...instead...he came out with something that looked a lot like this.....

    I give up...

    There has to be a planet big enough that all the men in this world could fit on it, yet be close enough that they can still be useful on an as needed basis.

    Once we find it, we also need to figure out what to call it?  Uranus is taken....  Hmmmm...I'll think on that and get back to you....



    (1) - The husband him in particular, but, generally, I'm not opposed to ALL men regardless of age, creed, race, height, weight, sexual preference, and so on and so forth...you get the picture.

    (2) - *wiggles eyebrows in Groucho Marx fashion*  Ya get what I'm sayin' ladies?? Huh? Huh?  Yeah - me neither!

    (3) - And trust me, there is plenty of weirdness to go around with THAT one!  O_O  Whew!

    (4) - It's my way of trying to deny my body the opportunity to invade another planetary orbit while it continues it's mighty pre-40 expansion.

    (5) - Which, I might add, sounds so flippin' good right now I'm tempted to gnaw off my own arm.  *sigh*

    (6) - If there was one new thing that I learned after that trip....USA grows way better tomatoes than Canada....sorry Ron

    (7) - Pretty sure that as men age they also regress to their toddler years.  You know.....off running around unchaperoned, picking up random shit throughout the store like it's going home with them...the works!! 

    Grumpily sucking on a fruit smoothie....

    Jewell

    Tuesday, August 17, 2010

    Hades is a vacation

    Ok..I said it!  Hell is cooler than here.  Seriously!  (1)  Oh....and don't pray for any rain because Mother Nature will taunt you mercilessly.  For example, I decided a new picture post would be in order...

    This is what Mother Nature does to those who wish and pray (2) for her to share the bounty of rain in the area.

    Yeah...she puts it where you can see it.  Not only does she put it where you can see it, but you can hear it and smell it too, and still you get bub-kiss. (3)

    So because miss all high and mighty (4) puts all of the rain on either side of me but not actually ON me....I'm melting (5).

    Even the guard dog extraordinaire is wilting....


    ...the poor stinky dog!  She hates water (6) and yet I keep hitting her with the hose to try and keep her cool.  When it's 100+ in the shade even the dog has problems.

    Not to mention the fact that my yard?  You know the one?  The one that looked like this not so long ago....


    ....now looks like one big blanket of this.....


    *sigh*  The husband him says I should be doing a naked rain dance in the back yard.  Since it's been close to 2 months since we've seen any rain at all.........................................................yeah - still not gonna happen!


    (1) - When the little man in my TV (you know the one that tells me what my weather is going to be like for the next 7 days) has to preface the weather forecast with a still photo (sent in by one of the other viewers) that shows a cool and refreshing setting (you know instead of REALITY)....it's pretty effin' hot and, let's face it, it's just not going to get better!!

    (2) - Ok...I'm not proud to admit it...I've been known to beg, plead, stomp my feet, and cry...nothing is working.

    (3) - Yeah...don't know how to spell that either...bite me, you get the idea.  It's not like I was an English major or some such freakin' thing!!  =-p

    (4) - That would be Mother Nature in case you forgot your caffeine this morning!

    (5) - Yes you may go there....

    (6) - Despite the fact that I tell her she is supposed to love water because she's Lab something-or-other....she just doesn't buy it.....big dummy!

    Thinking it's time to invest in property on Antarctica....

    Jewell  =)

    Monday, August 16, 2010

    Mugshot Monday 8/16/10

    There are people out there who are just of the disgruntled variety.  I mean there isn't anything that anyone can really do to improve their lives, they just live to make other's lives miserable.

    This week's genius is one of those people.  I'm not really sure why he was so upset with these businesses, but I'm pretty sure, whatever the reason, it has to do with whatever caused the nearly florescent red glow to his eyes.  Maybe laying off the LSD would be advisable for this guy, because I'm pretty sure the mob  police don't appreciate his efforts!


    "With tangerine trees and marmalade skies"...


    Jewell  =)

    Friday, August 13, 2010

    Friday Funny 8/13/10

    Ok, so this week I thought that I would try something different on Fridays around here.  (1)

    I figured I would feature a funny video that I found.  Primary qualifier for this video....it has to make me laugh - at the very least smile. This week's definitely qualifies!

    I don't even know where to go with this. This guy just cracks me up to watch him!  There is absolutely no question he LOOOOOOVES his job!  =)

    My only problem is that when I watch him, he reminds me of someone and I can't put my finger on it.  Who do you think he looks like?


    (1) - Yes, you people are wearing out my braincells so I figured I'd slough off and let someone else amuse you for a change!  =-p  So there! Nahner!

    If you live your life 1/2 as full as this guy you are doing yourself a HUGE favor!  =)

    Jewell

    Thursday, August 12, 2010

    Note to self : Need memo!

    Have y'all ever heard the saying "Stupid people and rednecks shouldn't breed."?  Yeah...me either.  (1)  Yet, I think there is some truth to that.  At least as far as the stupid people are concerned anyway; the rednecks can be kinda fun to have around when you are bored.

    In any case, back to the stupid people...I am constantly amazed at the amount of idiots, er, stupid people that have produced offspring.  I'm not entirely sure why they do this, other than to irritate the rest of us normal folk on one level or another.  However, I have to say, aside from piss poor parenting skills, the lack of general common sense (2),  and the inability to drive without pissing me off (3), the a-#1 pet peeve I have for stupid people comes down to their inability to act like flippin' adults!  Seriously!  Check out this headline (clicking on the headline will take you to the actual story if you are interested) and a little snippet from the story....

    (yeah - like that doesn't say enough - read on!)
    "The two women got into an argument on June 23 at Puesta del Sol Elementary in Victorville over a Facebook comment about the Los Angeles Lakers, according to Burt. It developed into a physical fight and several men jumped in, turning the incident into a brawl."

    (1) - I think I might need to send out a memo to........*holds out fingers and toes to count*........crap, the rest of the world I think.

    (2) - There's that phrase again....I'm beginning to sense a theme here. Hmmmm.....

    (3) - OH!!!!   Don't get me started on the amount of vehicles that car manufacturers put out that don't come with any bloody accelerator pedals or properly functioning brake pedals!  Arrrgggh!  It's a conspiracy....I'm tellin' ya!

    I'll stick to raising cats, dogs, horses, and husbands...leave the kid raising to the smarter people.

    Jewell  =)

    Wednesday, August 11, 2010

    What is this world coming to????

    Really!  Seriously!  WTF is this world coming to?

    When I was growing up the ice cream truck was a regular fixture in my neighborhood every summer!  (1)

    You know the one...the one you could hear coming from a 1/2 a mile away because of that surprisingly loud loud speaker. (2)  

    The same truck that had so many stickers on it that the choices caused brain cells to implode upon visual impact!!!  (3)  I mean really....how's a kid supposed to be able to make a choice like that with $.75 dripping with a parent's blood in their fist, and no viable parent left standing?  (4)

    Anywho, I digress (as always).  The topic of this post is really supposed to be about Miss Julie Murphy.  An industrious, hardworking, entrepreneurial 7 year old girl who was told recently to stop selling lemonade because she didn't have a license!  REALLY?  We have food prices skyrocketing, people out of work, veterans that don't get the support they need or should get from government, and yet, government has time to harass a 7 year old because she doesn't have a license to sell lemonade?!

    Now the potential financial cost of her indiscretion?  $500.00.  Seriously?  The chances of her even MAKING $500.00 (at $.50 per cup) would have been a miracle....   *shakes head* 

    I have made mention before about the severe lack of common sense going on in the world today.  However, I'm beginning to wonder if this very thing (5) might not be, at least, part of the problem with government and politicians today.  Maybe if politicians and governments just went out shopping for some common sense then maybe there would be less instances where they needed to turn around, hat in hand, and apologize for being stupid.  Hell, you idiot politician types...shut up, fork over $.50, have a glass of lemonade, and a smile.  You'll be surprised how it changes your outlook on things!  =)


    (1) - Ok, so I am dating myself with that reference.  You gots a problem with that?!  =-p

    (2) - Yeah - it would be the same one that turned every kid in the neighborhood into an organized angry mob, the likes of which Stephen King couldn't begin to comprehend.  It's the same one that left every parent looking like they've just been beaten, robbed, and tortured by a hundred little freak tornadoes.

    (3) - Just for the record...the only choice for me (EVER) were the orange push-ups!  Num yummy!  =)

    (4) - Because the parents are busy wrapping tourniquets, pasting down butterfly bandages, bathing in hydrogen peroxide, and sitting on hold with 911! 

    (5) - Ummm......common sense in case you were feeling lost and confused =)

    Common sensically yours

    Jewell  =)

    Tuesday, August 10, 2010

    Bane of my existence... *sigh*

    As a general rule, I prefer not to take time out of my life to partake of activities that I tend to consider a waste of time or that I tend to abhor taking part in.  One of those activities...shopping!

    I mean I really, really, really, hate shopping.  (1)

    "Why for?", you might be wondering.

    "Ahhh, but let me count the ways!", I would reply.  (2)

    I live in the middle of nowhere Missouri.  Rural America doesn't really have a need to dress up as a general rule. (3)  So there is no real pressing need to try to keep up with the fashionistas of the world.  Honestly....I prefer comfort...all day, every day. (4)

    Also, I have the guilty pleasure of being able to work from home. (5) For this particular work environment the attire pretty much needs only be animal friendly.  While the cats, dog, and horse could care less what I look like, I had better be ready to jump to their every whim at a moment's notice.  That requires not only comfort but the ultimate in flexibility.

    And seriously, another reason to not go out shopping, who really wants to spend the money.  I mean if I am not going to get dressed up for anything, what's the point?

    Unfortunately the point is that, my mom was right. (6)  She always told me that everything tends to head South after 40.  I am proud (?) to tell you that, in at least this one area of my life, I am an over achiever.  Not only am I not yet 40, it has all gone to hell South, it's also managed to stretch it's way West and East as well.

    While probably not clinically considered overweight or obese, the incessant need to increase my the size of my waistband is mentally traumatizing.  So much so that the mere thought of it makes me pout profusely.

    It's amazing how all of a sudden my ass is almost double the size it was in high school, and all of the tops that I have in my closet have managed to shrink!   On so many levels it just doesn't seem right or fair!

    Yet, the saddest part of having to go shopping for me anymore?  Everything is so not the size the tags say  it is.  An example!  The husband him and I went to Walmart recently, and I saw this really cute flannel style shirt that would have looked good to go out to dinner in with a pair of jeans.  Unfortunately, it was cute so it was in the Juniors section....normally not tooooo big of a deal.....but I held up an XL (7) and then I slugged the husband him in the shoulder.  Seriously, the stupid thing was 100% cotton (8), and, in case I need to repeat myself, an EXTRA LARGE, and the thing looked like a small!  REALLY?  How is it that an XL can't even be an XL anymore?!  Instead an XL is more like an XXS!  *growl*

    My ass getting bigger and the clothes literally getting smaller...beginning to wonder if the nudists don't have the right idea!  (9)


    (1) - Did I happen to mention REALLY?

    (2) - Yes, I am taking severe liberties with ol' Billy Shakespeare.  I think after being tortured by him for the majority of my college years, I have paid my dues and can call him any number of names.  ;-)

    (3) - If, for whatever reason, I haven't built up enough credibility with you after alllll this time then you really need to take a gander at this.  Oh come on now...click the link!  I'll be you can't click the link!  I'll be you are one big ol' chicken, and just can't bring yourself to look!!  =-p Oh BTW - in the caption, note the location the picture was taken in .... I rest my case!  =-p

    (4) - Yes that means I primarily work in my PJ's all freakin' day?  Got something to say about it?  =-p  Jealous.  =)

    (5) - Or from our office if I am so inclined..........to irritate the husband him with my presence.  =) "Where ya takin' me for lunch? Huh?  Where?"  It really gets under his skin!  =)  *chuckle*

    (6) - Dammit!!

    (7) - Bite me...I said that the great expansion had already begun!!

    (8) - aka - guaranteed to shrink so that you'll never fit in it again after the first wash.

    (9) - No husband him.....we aren't going to find out!!!  =-p


    Seriously considering scaring adults and children indiscriminately.... 

    Jewell   =)

    Monday, August 9, 2010

    Mugshot Monday 8/9/10

    You know on Mugshot Monday I really try to come up with something witty for you to read before you make the visit to the mugshot of the week.  Please make a note on your calendars--------I've got nothing for this!  You might understand why.....


    Here's hoping you don't encounter any UFOs today!

    Jewell

    Friday, August 6, 2010

    Really?! Wait! What?

    The husband him strikes again.  Now, granted, there haven't been a lot of discussions (as yet) about some of the things that he has said and done recently, let alone in the 11 looooong years that we have been married.  *wink*

    I can't be the only wife though that has often wondered if her dearly beloved isn't experimenting with some funny juice or some wacky tabacky. (1)

    My Reaction (4)
    Ladies, you have to know what I am talking about.

    Everything is going along fine, it's a good day.....no fights, no arguments, things are going at a good clip and you don't want to kill him. (2) Then...out of the middle of nowhere he pops off with something completely unexpected.  Something out of the....the...the blue clear sky. (3)

    Something so weird that even you, the well beautiful, educated, smart, quick, witty, intelligent woman that he married can only manage one reaction....
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------->>>>

    Well, mine did that just recently....my reaction was pretty close to that pictured at above right.  Of course, being the quick, witty, intelligent soul that he married I didn't stay dumbfounded for long....I managed a meager reaction that got us past the initial point of lunacy (I think).

    What sent the world tumbling?  What caused me to check his forehead for a fever?  What made me pull out one of the massive flash lights that I bought him for Christmas last year so that I could check the dilation on his eyes? (5)

    "Why don't we ever see Rikki Tikki Tavi on TV anymore? "




    Apparently the Twilight Zone lives here!  *shakes head in wonder*  Men are just weird.


    (1) - Yeah - I'm so hip I can't even begin to know how to spell that...is there even a right way?  LOL

    (2) - YET!

    (3) - As my buddy George Strait calls it.

    (4) - Yeah...still not a picture of me!  =-p

    (5) - Next in line was the water boarding so that I could find out what he was on, where his stash was, who his supplier was, and why the hell I wasn't being invited!

    "You're traveling through another dimension......"

    Jewell  =)

    Thursday, August 5, 2010

    No, no, no...CRAP - NO!

    Ok...seriously...THIS (1)....
    ....is my reaction to an article that I came across today.

    Some douche-canoe (2) decided it was going to be his brilliant idea to STEAL one of these (3)....
    ....from his local library in Maryland!  (4 and 4b)

    I understand that a library is seen as an inner sanctum to learning, and I understand the draw of a good book, yet the point behind having THAT thing living IN the library... *shudder* Isn't a spider like that supposed to live in someplace like...oh, I don't know....a zoo?!? 

    Sheesh...anyway, back to the douche-canoe (see #2 if you missed it the first time).  Not only did he steal the damned thing, he bragged about it.  Dude!  Maybe you need to take a trip to the library once to read up some of your fellow criminal types.  Pretty sure that they made history (and a mention in a book) not only because they were probably pretty damned good at keeping a secret (5), but because they stole something WORTH STEALING!

    What an idiot...no, correction, douche-canoe...idiot just seems too tame for this guy!

    If you'd like to read the relatively short article about the incident, you can find it here.  Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to go change into some clean shorts....I think I might have peed myself a little.  (6)


    (1) - No not a picture of me....so don't ask!  =-p

    (2) - Awesome adjective completely, shamelessly, and totally ripped off The Bloggess....trust me she'll never miss it!

    (3) - Noooo not a picture of the actual ugly, hairy, HUGE spider either!  *breathe in, breathe out*

    (4) - Seriously, librarian type people?? The last I checked books lived in a library, and, while I understand how the very concept of something without pictures that doesn't talk, beep, ring, or vibrate might intimidate the majority of today's society, I so TOTALLY can NOT see the point behind THAT!
            (b) - Honestly, what the hell are you smoking out there...*breathe in, breathe out*

    (5) - Oh I don't know...like a secret about the fact that they actually got away with STEALING something. 

    (6) - Can you tell?  Not such a big fan of spiders!  All for the whole "live and let live", and "can't we just get along"  but all of that has to happen with that thing (and all his cousins) as far away from ME as possible.  Country of origin - ok.  Another planet - better.  A whole freakin' different galaxy - AWESOME!

    *breathe in, breathe out*  Can someone get me new bag, I think I put a hole in this one!

    Jewell  =)

    Wednesday, August 4, 2010

    Men just don't get it....

    Ok...so men just don't get us women!  It's just a fact of life!  There's nothing saying it's right or wrong...it just...is!  Really it can be boiled down to two basic principles in my mind:
             -- Women typically see men as being stupid, vapid, and contradictory
             --  Men typically see women as being vapid, contradictory, and flighty

    Yet we always end up attracted to one another in one capacity or another.  Attracted for reasons that scientists have wasted more money than I know how to count trying to figure it out claim to have figured out and yet most likely haven't even come close to understanding. 


    One thing though that men will never quit get a handle on is the idea of romance aspect of things.....(1)  There is a HUGE reason why soap operas and romantic comedies will always survive a ratings race.
    1. - It isn't be cause we are flighty or vapid (2) but because on the screen we see what we wish our world could be.  The body that we have never had, never will have, couldn't diet, surgify (3), beg, borrow, or steal.
    2. - On the screen we also see the lover who's body parts don't resemble an beer keg with morning breath, an ass crack that dwindles the size of the Grand Canyon, itches in places no human should be able to reach, and stubble so long he starts to resemble a Yorkie.

    Frankly, real life is just not on-screen romantic - EVER!  So, as a woman who can clearly relate in some form or another to everything I've described above, when I saw this commercial...the guffaw (4) of laughter was completely, insanely, and utterly inevitable!!  Enjoy!


    (1) - I just heard some of my male readers croak at the mere mention of the word....so sad!

    (2) - I pride myself on being contradictory - as the husband him can attest to - so, as a compromise, I chose to leave that one in for argument's sake.  =)

    (3) - YES! That is a new word...suck it...it works!

    (4) - And yes...guffawing - unsexy AND unromantic!  I rest my case!

    Realistically and unromantically yours,

    Jewell  =) 

    Tuesday, August 3, 2010

    Bitch slap commencing in .... 3 .... 2 ....

    This is a rant.  It isn't pleasant, but is toned down as far as I am interested in toning it down.  If a bitch and vulgarity bothers you....exiting now is advisable.  =)  Don't say I didn't warn you!
    -
    --
    ---
    ----
    -----
    ------
    Is it so wrong to get so irritated, worked up, and just plain pissed off so early in the year at politics, politicians, and our whole entire political and governmental bullshit?  I mean really, when I was growing up I don't remember there being such a constant barrage of "He Sucks!", "No, he sucks AND blows!", "She's a bitch!"

    And the signs!!!  All the freaking political signs.  Here's my sign for politicians and politics in general.
    Then recently there was this barrage idiocy on Fox News.


    I don't really like Democrats.  I don't really like Republicans.  Why?  THEY ARE POLITICIANS.  During the entire exchange above...this is pretty much all I heard....dualling....
    It's quite shocking that, throughout that entire exchange, there wasn't any bodily harm done with the amount of finger pointing going on!  My mother always taught me never to point....her reasoning?   It's rude!  I would like to append that it's not only rude, but OBNOXIOUS and CHILDISH!  All those fingers flying and not a single one was the right one - shit! They can't even get basic sign language right!!!

    Here's my philosophy...it's simple really.  I mean I am a simple woman, raised on Midwestern common sense.  It's a philosophy that is so universal it can be applied to both sides of the aisle, regardless of state, sex, creed, race, age, religious affiliation, etc....
    SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
    &
    DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!!!
    Your thoroughly pissed of, disenchanted, fed up constituent.

    Jewell  >=-{

    Monday, August 2, 2010

    Mugshot Monday 8/2/10

    Well my friends...it appears that hard times have befallen all of us. The good, the bad, and the ugly! Apparently it just couldn't be avoided any longer.

    I mean seriously...when the Wicked Witch hits rock bottom...it's not a pretty sight.  *shakes head in mock sadness*  Who could possibly be next?


    May your day be oodles and oodles better than hers!

    Jewell  =)