Saturday, July 31, 2010

Lists...lists...all the lists (and I still manage to leave mine at home)

Apparently lists have officially run a muck in the blogging world! (1)

I have a sweet, loverly online friend that is a girl (2) (3), named Felinae, who lives in a scratching post.  At least that's what she tells me!  *wink*

Anyway, on her blog Wednesday she also had a list.  Her list was about dealing with the burdens of life.  I thought some of the things that were included in the list needed to be spiced up, better clarified...you know...Jewelled! (4)

So...here are a few things I thought I could help to improve on....  =)

* Just accept that, some days, you're the pigeon: and, some days, you're the statue. 
--- Or maybe the bull and the idiot running away from the bull in Pamplona.  Or maybe the proverbial bug and the windshield.  Oh..or how's about the cat and the scratching post!  (5)

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
---  I am in serious trouble here.  I already have my head up my ass (like the majority of society), but now this says that I have to try and fit both feet in my mouth at the same time?  Hmmm...is Ripley's Believe It Or Not! still around?  Because iffin I do this I won't be trying it a 2nd time!

* Always wear stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
---  Yeah this and the clean underwear bit...not so much.  Seriously, I'm going to die with my animals...no one is going to see me and they aren't going to really care what I look like.  Besides...looking good probably requires shaving...I really hate shaving!

* We could learn a lot from crayons...
Some are sharp; some are pretty; and some are dull.
Some have weird names; and all are different colours;
but they all have to live in the same box.
---  Yeah...not so much... I have it on good authority that Felinae has stolen all of the crayons that remotely resemble the color pink! (6) She's hording them and she will kick your ass if you try to take them away from her!

And the absolutely best one for me....

* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
---  Now this is seriously my kind of advice!  L-O-V-E IT!!!


(1) - Who the hell came up with that phrase anyway?  Weird!

(2) - Ok, so yes I felt the need to clarify the fact that she is a friend that was a girl rather than a girlfriend...I know how the minds of some of you stalker types work!  It's not pretty to be privy to such things, but someone has to do it!  =-p

(3) - Yes....Jewell....freak of nature....nincompoop (b) of the 1st order, managed to find a friend - granted she is only online and may, in real life, be some 500 lb man loser who hasn't shaved in 3 years, showered in 4 yrs, and can't get out of his house without a crane, but I have a friend - shut up!  In his picture he is a girl and I live by that delusion!
     (b) - Who the hell came up with that word anyway?  Weird!

(4) - It's kind of like Bedazzled without the Be...............or the dazzle.  Yeah, I wouldn't buy it either!  *sigh*

(5) - HA! I slay me!

(6) - If you don't believe me...go visit her blog...you'll see what I mean  =))

In honor of my friend....IT'S SO FLUFFY!!!!!!

Jewell  =)

Friday, July 30, 2010

Some fun facts

Ok, well being part of The Blog Farm has been an interesting experience.  I don't know if I am actually benefitting from being a part of it or not, but, if nothing else, getting their feeds puts other peoples blog topics into my Facebook wall that I probably never would have seen.

Such was the case on Tuesday night when I was reading a blog post at Ramblings of a Frantic Mother!

She posted about useless facts that people should know.  Some of these I thought were absolutely hilarious (AH), one in particular struck me as a huge, heaping, crock of shit (HHCOS) and others made me go REALLY (RNEW)?? (1).  =)

For example...

   RNEW - # 2. The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal. (2)

   HHCOS - # 4. The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.  (3)

   RNEW - # 7. Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die. (4)


   RNEW - # 11. Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game. (5)

   AH -  # 16.The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet!! (6)

And the one that absolutely made my day....

   AH - # 19.Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks. (7)

Now...I don't know how true or accurate any or all of these are, but they are definitely entertaining!  So...GO NOW!  Read the rest of the list at Ramblings of a Frantic Mother! (8)


(1) - Made me even go NO EFFIN WAY! in my outside voice!  =)

(2) - So.....explain to me how that worked out for everyone on board again???????

(3) - Yeah...if I get that far I will have been a former smoker for 1 year come October 11, 2010...  I am also 30 *cough* *snort* *sniffle* and I still prefer to sleep like a teenager...there is never enough sleep to be had so taking ANY amount of sleep away from me is hazardous to your health!

(4) - AWESOME!  Enjoy my decline people....I have allergies!

(5) - Exactly!  I have perfected the fat in my ass just right!  No way I'm going to ruin it now!

(6) - Absolutely the #1 reason why I never got into the medical field!  LOL  How did they know?

(7) - Looks like I'll be making a trip to my neighbor's house forthwith....

(8) - Because she has no idea who I am and it will totally confuse her that people will be flooding (?) her website suddenly!  =)  Yeah right!  I'm happy in my oblivion...no I'm not!  Shut up Jewell!  NO!   Awesome...

Until tomorrow my loverlies!

Jewell  =)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

OMG - commercials gone idiotic

Ok, I watch A LOT of TV.  Way more than the average person probably.  Way more than is probably healthy for my brain cells. (1)

As such, I have seen a lot of commercials.  Some funny (2), some weird, some serious, some really, really good, and some really, really bad.  Luckily I can say there are very few out that really kind of creep me the hell out!  Yet I must have found at least one (3) or else what would be the point of this post, right?!  *wink*

Example #1



I hate this for any number of reasons.  First off, I really could care less if he and Mr Willy had a disagreement for which Mr Willy has decided to be permanently removed from the relationship.

Next, I get a little creeped out at the thought that I would ever actually see this man on the street. (4)  Should this actually be something that occurred out in there in the middle of nowhere Missouri, it's a pretty safe bet I would fall over dead on the street.  (5)

Thirdly, I lived in Las Vegas.  I worked in Las Vegas. (6)  There are lots of buildings that have those dark reflective glass panels on them.  Normal people might think that those types of windows are for shielding the inside of the buildings from the wicked evil rays of sun that beat you down until you have nothing left, and no energy to find something new, and find yourself at the slot machines dumping nickle after nickle trying to hit the BIG one...........................................  *ehh-hem*  ...I digress...  Anywho, the abnormal people (7) believe that those windows are for their vanity.  You would not believe the things that people would do to themselves in those reflections.  Umm - HELLO!  People actually work on the other side of those windows and have to watch you pick your nose, study it from every feasible angle (8) and then stuff in your mouth like you forgot desert.  Seriously folks!  *gag*  DAMN!

*sigh*

Anyway!  The other such commercial that creeps me out is....


Example #2



This isn't the precise commercial that I see locally, and yet it's close enough to give you a rough idea.  In my local spot the following question is posed ....  "How does this 67-Year Old Doctor have the body of a 30-year-old?"

Yeah.  It's called Photoshop! (9)  REALLY?!


(1) - Which I think is sufficiently evidenced by the discussions I have with myself all of you on this blog.

(2) - See this post - I still laugh as hard when I see it now as I did the first time I saw it.

(3) - Yeah...actually there are 2 of them...lucky suckers...errrrr - stalkers I mean

(4) - Highly unlikely I know..and yet the thought lingers like a rash...ooooor, a limp, pissed off willy

(5) - Thereby depriving all of you loyal readers of the event and the Maxine style comments that would ensue.

(6) - Oh just shuddap!  =-p  Haven't you heard?  What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!

(7) - Which would be 90+% of the population of the city....and yes I speak from experience!

(8) - And even find new angles that never existed before because you are one of the abnormal  

(9) - Douche!  Why do people buy into this crap!  Oh, and BTW - I'm still waiting on proof that he's a REAL doctor! *rolls eyes*

Doin' it the hard way since 1970-something!

Jewell  =)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Do we need to make a trip to Namby Pamby land?

Don't make me turn off this computer and come over there...it won't be pretty!

Don't worry my stalker fiends (1) I wasn't threatening you with a can of whoop ass...nope.  But, be warned!  I'm keeping my eye on you just in case!  O_o

Nope...this particular can of whoop ass is reserved specifically for Jared Followill of the Kings of Leon.  Their concert in St Louis last Friday was canceled because Mr Followill got pooped on.  Yes, I said pooped on!  (2)  (3)  It seems that the pigeons at the Verizon Amphitheatre aren't up to speed with the Kings of Leon, or maybe they even took issue with some of his guitar riffs. (4)

Ok...so granted...getting the offending end of the bird's digestive tract...gross!  Been there done that - so yeah - double gross!

But they yanked the whole concert after 3 songs because they apparently had the bird equivalent of re-fried beans and just couldn't help themselves - over and over and over.  Seriously?!  The WHOLE concert?  That seems a bit much!

Come on!  Man up!  Excuse yourself....clean your act up (literally)....yank the shot glass and blunt from the roadie...shove your foot up his or her ass to make them go up in the rafters to get rid of the stupid birds....resume concert.  Story for the fans, no refunds needed.

Seriously dude....Jimie Hendrix, The Who, and the Grateful Dead wouldn't have walked out on Woodstock because some pigeons were offended by their music.....YA JACK WAGON! (5)


(1) - Errrr...stalker FRIENDS - yeah ... that's what I meant!!

(2) - No...this isn't some new perverted thing....so get your minds out of the gutter.  At least this once...it can resume regularly scheduled programming once you are finished reading this post!  =)

(3) - No...this has nothing to do with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog either!

(4) - Oh hey! Maybe they are more down with John Tesh

(5) - If you are corn-fuddled by the Namby Pamby comment in the title and the Jack Wagon moment at the end...you need to revisit this post....you'll get it once you watch the video.  =)

See y'all on the flip side!  =)

Jewell

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

You - need to be - fired!!

Stupid people are always good fodder for my abuse, but people who hate their jobs ROCK!  (1)

Here's why....

So Wal-mart was calling my name on Sunday, and, being that my lazy "I'll do it later" side was in full swing, I decided to go with the flow.  (2)

I get done with my shopping and, as is customary, I go stand in line.  (3)  Finally, I manage to get to the register to check out, but I made the mistake of using a gift card I had received for my birthday.  (4)  After a lot of drama trying to get the register/computer to recognize the card, she turns away from me (and the rest of the line of people behind me) and starts talking to one of her co-workers about why her car, or something on her car, would lock up.

Ummm...hello?  *mentally waving*  Still standing here.  Still waiting to get the leftover amount on my bill paid. Yooo hooo?  (5)  Just then I catch something out of the corner of my eye.  I look over at the little window that is supposed to tell you how much you are indebted to them for...  "Waiting for CSM" "Waiting for CSM." "Waiting for CSM.." "Waiting for CSM..."  Oh!  *sigh*

Up walks the CSM, puts her key in the machine, punches 3 buttons, removes the key and leaves without so much as a look at me or at the gal that was out and out ignoring me.  I pay the rest of the bill and mentally fly the bird at the woman who just handled my transaction.  Let's hope Ms Sunshine doesn't get into nursing anytime soon....


(1) - Yes ROCK!  Because it simply means that I just have another target to flog willy nilly. (b)
    (b) - Yes, I did just say "willy nilly"...bite me!  =-p

(2) - Actually it was because of an evil hummingbird conspiracy! They were running out of rations in the feeders, and they somehow knew that the rations in the house were just as pathetically low.  So they brainwashed me.  They made me think that a trip to Wally World for some more sugar on their behalf was life or death...GO NOW NOW NOW!  Honest!

(3) - A line long enough that Rip Van Winkle would have still been young enough to dance a jig.  No wonder there are snacks and drinks conveniently located at the beginning of the checkout lanes.  I think it's a conspiracy!

(4) - You wouldn't think that this was a big deal, and yet the cashier acted like I was giving her pennies for a $90 bill that she had to stand there and count.  

(5) - At this point I have a shrill whistle screeching through my head.  I mean S to the H to the RILL!  So shrill that it could not only wake the dead, but bring an army of dead dogs running at attention.  Enough so I made myself wince. 

Keep smiling they will wonder what you are up to!  =)

Jewell

Monday, July 26, 2010

Mugshot Monday 7/26/10

Ok, so there are a lot of things that can be discovered when you view different mugshots.  They can be funny, sad, silly, crazy, strange, scary (like last week's).  Of course, human nature being what it is there are varying degrees of any and all of those descriptors and sometimes a picture can be quantified as:  Choice D - All of the Above

However, you can't discard or disregard those mugshots that are all of those, and just plain weird with a capital W. (1)

Let today's mugshot be one that shows you what I mean...  =)


(1) - For those of you feeling slightly behind the 8 ball this Monday, that would actually be:  Choice F - Options A through D + Weird

Here's hoping your Monday left you in one piece....

Jewell  =)

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Location Fail

In honor of one of the best sites on the 'net, FailBlog, this post is dedicated to their premise.  =)
-------------------------------------------
So I was sitting here working, trying to get caught up from being out of town, and I happened across this article headline:
"Pot-growing operation discovered in Covert Township"

Pretty sure that's a fail on one level or another!!  =)  LOL

Hope everyone had a wicked fantastic (or in the very least a temperately cool) weekend!

Jewell

Monday, July 19, 2010

Mugshot Monday 7/19/10

Ok...so here's the deal...this week = shot to hell - the hand basket!  *sigh*  Hence the start of "Mugshot Monday".

So, since I will be away from the computer much of the week this week (1), I decided that I would let you know that I am actually away (2) and so that this mugshot can be properly pondered...(3)

My one comment on this person:  Grace Jones would be terrified let alone an innocent child!  *shudder*



(1) - who the hell gets married on a THURSDAY outside in JULY!?! *growl*

(2) - so that you didn't think that Angie was "guarding" again!

(3) - or feared as tends to be my first response...

Here's hoping I hear hilarious fodder to regurgitate for y'all!  =)

Jewell

Friday, July 16, 2010

Stupid is as stupid does... =)

I am constantly surprised by the stupidity of people.  You would think that I could get used to it by now.

I had to make a trip to the grocery store today.  Generally an uneventful visit, except today of course.  (1)  Even though we are out in the middle of nowhere, our grocery stores are technologically advanced enough to actually have those nifty moving belts.  You know, the ones where we load our groceries onto it so that cashier can scan and bag the groceries for us at the other end.  So I dumped my stuff on the belt, and noticed a handwritten note taped up next to the register that read:

"Please do not put money on the belt." 

Seriously?  You actually have to spell out for people that the belt that hauls the groceries from one end to the other will EAT something as NON bulky as their money??  Needless to say I ended up laughing hysterically (2) while the cashier looked at me like I had started talking to her in backwards pig-latin!!!  When I explained I was laughing at the note, it was all she could do to be a good and sober employee and not join me in my hysterics.  We proceeded to spend the next couple of minutes talking about the stupidity of people. (3)  In doing so, we couldn't avoid the need to share our grief over Common Sense.

If you didn't know C.S. please read this.  It's an oldie but a goodie, and it's definitely worth the read. (4)

(1) - Or, really, why I would I be boring you with the tale now?  =)

(2) - In fact, I laughed so hard I almost actually snorted out loud.  =-o

(3) - In the code of good service employees that can talk about idiot customers so that management can't tell you are insulting idiot customers in front of them.

(4) - Thank you Ms Lori Borgman for a fantastic tribute to someone so loved and yet so under used, and undervalued!

Happy Friday!

Jewell  =)

PS - I am going to be working on finishing the setup of my other blog and maybe get a couple of posts up this weekend.  This one is going to be a little more serious and is going to be more a chronicle of my paranormal / metaphysical/spiritual adventures.  The husband him and I have interesting experiences around the house that we can't find explanations for so it will cover those as well as my spiritual development of trying to become a medium.  I am sure there will be other things that I think of writing there, but that is the core plan at the moment.  =)  If anyone is interested in following the new blog, post me a comment to let you know the URL through facebook.  Or, if we aren't friends on facebook, leave your email address so I can send you an email.  Comments on this blog are moderated so I promise not to post the comments with your email addresses.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Dear Airline Industry

Dear Airline Industry,

Quit being stupid!  Pretty please?  Yes, I said stupid. (1)

You know...the kind of stupid where you only allow your passengers one half of an eyedropper of any liquid they deign to bring with them.  Or where you make them sit on tarmacks for half a century in the heat without A/C, free food or water, or a chance to use a bathroom.  Oh!!  Hey, how about this?  How about you quit charging people for privilege of half a peanut shell to snack on?

The kind of stupid that makes you hire people that abso-freakin'-lutely can't smell rotten meat that have MAGGOTS in it!  *gag*  Really?  To avoid such disgusting fodder for my blog in the future, could you, in the flight attendant training course (2), please teach all flight attendants the art of smelling unusual smells in the overhead cargo bins?  Honestly, maggots?  (3)

Also, I am a firm believer that, if you are going to fuck something up, don't do a half-ass job.  You, dear Airline Industry, have finally reached your goal of dumbfounding the flying public. (4) 

Apparently, in your world, it is O.K. to hire deranged CEO's who defend to the death their decision to charge John Q. Public to carry on their putrid, horror film-esque, maggot filled meat.  CEO's who actually go in front of Congress and tell them (5)  "that bringing luggage on vacation was 'not essential' to travel and his airline was actually helping the poor fly by charging up to $45 to place a carry-on bag in the overhead bin." is just crazy talk. (6)

Yes, Airline Industry, one of your very own, illustrious, doltish CEO's uttered these very thoughts, AND in front of cameras.  It was quite disgusting really. Shirley, (7) there's someone out there that was ingrained with some sort of...oh....what's it called?!  *looks up at the ceiling*  Ummm...er, uhhhh...  [ding! ding! ding! goes the light bulb over my head] OH! I know!
COMMON SENSE?!

Oh hell, what am I saying...you were just in front of Congress, the likelihood of that meeting producing anything remotely close to something that could be construed as common sense is fantasy on my part.

So, in closing and before my fantasies get too shocking for your system to handle, I passionately implore you....please quit being STUPID! 


(1) - I even said please...and as the husband him can attest...that just NEVER happens!

(2) - Somewhere between the pop quiz on the how to properly fasten a seat belt and the exercise on how to trip a potential hijacker in a politically correct manner...

(3) - At the risk of making myself redundant - DAMN!  *shudder*

(4) - And even me, the non-flying public

(5) - in their outside-where-everyone-can-really-hear-you voice

(6) - Luggage not essential to travel??  Really?  This guy CAN'T be married!  He most certainly can't have kids!  And, um, helping the poor by charging them MORE?  Yeah...see, I don't see that last part as a valid argument....YOU MORON!

(7) - Yes, an Airplane reference, and I've never even seen the movies!  So take that haters!  =-D 

Sincerely likely to never be one of your passengers again in this lifetime,

Jewell  =-p

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Nip.....It.....!!!

Because of my work I am forever and constantly shackled (1) to the world of the news.  It therefore means I am forced to be subjected to the inane, as well as the insane, that goes on in our planet; both inside and outside of the sphere of politics.

There are quite a few times during the course of an hour, let alone the day, week, month, year, etc where I can't help but wonder how the world got so crazy.  Maybe it's always been this crazy.  Maybe I am just getting older (2) and wiser (3).  Maybe it's just that I believe that our world could maybe benefit more from a little bit of this kind of crazy...


As opposed to this kind of crazy....


 So today's insanity informed me that something as simple as this....

 
...can be considered assault.


REALLY?  Come on, you mean that all the times that I was blowing bubbles up until I was *cough* years old (4) that I was committing assault? (5)


Oh yeah, my funky chittlins, apparently blowing bubbles was considered assault by security forces at the G20 in Toronto this year.  (6 and 7)


Today's immersion in the news provided me with this ridiculous video clip...  *sigh*


Pretty sure his female co-worker (8)...didn't so much think she was being assaulted by the vile, revolting, nefarious wand waving, bubble blowing bandit.

Wow!  This guy was one wobbly step from serious padded room quality lunacy.  His kind of lunacy should absolutely be avoided in law enforcement.  Especially when upwards of $2 billion is being spent...some reviews of the chapters covering "common sense" in the universal law enforcement handbook should really be made a priority.

So, as my buddy Barney would say, "Nip It!  Nip It In The Bud!"


(1) - If I were the kinky sort this might actually be a fun job!  *wink*

(2) - GASP!

(3) -  Shuddap!  =-p

(4) - Yeah...it was yesterday...so sue me!  =-p

(5) - Awesome!  Hope the victim enjoyed it as much as I did.  

(6) - Yes I did just refer to my readers as pig intestine - SUCK IT UP PEOPLE!

(7) - Rather than "The Group of Twenty" (boooor-ing) G20 currently stands for, I propose it should hereby stand for "Gadzooks! 20"  Seriously how much more for fun would that be?? 

(8) - Who clearly started off thinking he was joking, and oh, by the way, she's like 1/8th his size and could probably still have handled her own shit, thank you very much!

Seriously, Nip IT!

Jewell  =)

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The dream....the lesson...the reminder

Ok, so I've wanted to be a "real writer" for some time. In fact, I remember telling my mother that I was going to be a writer when I grew up.  My mother, the ever sensible and efficient sort, simply replied, without looking up from her task at hand, "You might want to find a job that pays."

Becoming the author of the Great American Novel was always something that lingered at the back of the cavernous black hole I call my mind. (1)  I have, honestly, written at least 3 spellbinding, mind boggling, awe inspiring books.  

"What are they?  When can I see them in my local bookstore?  Will you send me a personalized signed copy for ebay?" might be some of the questions you would pelt me with upon hearing this stupendous news.

Since I try to bring a dash of honesty in with the flood of humor, allow me to sort out the quick and dirty of it all for you.  "I don't know. Never. Not a chance you vultures...back off before I call the cops!"

Yous:  Never?  

Me:  Nope, never!  

Yous:  But why? 

Me:  Well there really is quite a good reason for that. They all came and went in my head and never actually made it to the computer, let alone actual paper.

Yous:  [staring mouth agape and disillusionment in your eyes]  *blink*

Me:  Details, details! =-p  (2)

Ahem...anywho, though I haven't actually written anything in quite some time, and definitely in no substantive manner (3) before this blog, I always keep up with reading about being a writer.  (4)  Writer's Digest, Ralph Keyes and many other sources have have helped to keep my disillusions alive for many years. 

One tip I seem to come across quite often, in the tips about what it takes to be a good or better writer, is that eavesdropping can always be a good source of character development, examples of local color, etc.  My mom...yep...she pretty much classified it as snooping.  (5)

I'm not 100% boned up on my snoop...er....eavesdropping skills, so I don't always pay attention to things that are going on around me.  Yesterday though I had to be at the veterinarian, and, while sitting in one of the exam rooms, the dog and I were hearing bits and pieces of conversation outside of our door.  (6)

Anywho, this is the story that we heard during yesterday's exercise in becoming a better writer...

"My sister called my mom yesterday.  She's such a bone head!  You aren't going to believe what she called her for."  [mumble, mumble, mumble]

"No, she called because she wanted to know what she should do because she had locked her keys in the car, but the window was down and it was raining."  [mumble, laughter, mumble]

"No, my mom asked her what she said.  So my sister told her that she had left her window down, but that she had locked her keys in the car and she needed to know what she should do."  [laughter, mumble, laughter]

"Yeah, mom just told her to reach in and unlock the door."

Ahhh...some local color, a laugh from me, a wag from the dog, and the reminder that I really was that stupid once.  Mom would have loved hearing that story!  =) 


(1) - Maybe that's why I kept hearing crickets in last night's post.  Hmmm....I wonder if there is a disorder for that! 

(2) - They were quite good, I assure you. Pulitzer quality writing...it's shame that you don't live in my head. Just imagine what wondrous adventures you could have shared with me.  What a shame! *shakes head*

(3) - Other than checks who's amounts always seem to get more and more substantive....note to self - find a paying gig!  *snort*

(4)  - Yeah not quite the same, I know, but I don't see you out there learning how to juggle so you can fulfill your life long dream of joining the circus!  Clown!  (Wait!!!!  Do they even have the circus anymore????  Am I that old that I might have actually outlived the CIRCUS?!  Oh Crap!)

(5) - Don't get me wrong, she would have classified it as snooping, admonished me that I should be minding my own business, and then would have shoved me out of the way so that she could pressed her ear next to the door I was trying to eavesdropping on.    =)

(6) - Frankly, had there been a surveillance camera in the room we probably would have looked quite a bit like a couple of bobble heads as we screwed our heads around at various angles trying to hear the conversation more clearly.

Next time...try getting in my head, it's clearly funnier in there  =)

Jewell

Monday, July 12, 2010

Well, Crap....

This is a notice to let all my loyal stalkers know that the funny has left the building! ACK! 

Yes, ACK!  You know....   As in Bill the Cat....     ACK!!


I sat down to write my funny insight for the night, and.........[cricket]........[cricket].........[cricket].........
What the hell?  Really?  I have 10 posts of something to say, and today...Nothing!  Nada!  Zip! Zilch! The proverbial goose egg!  This HAS got to be a pathetic first place record in bloggy land.  (1)

Ugh!  I guess I have to quit procrastinating *eyeballs one of her stalkers in particular* and go finish setting up my 2nd blog so that I can have 2 blogs where I can't think of anything intelligent to say or to share with the rest of the world who, up to this point, was craving my input on any number of random topics that seem to be eluding me at the moment. 

(1) - Is there some kind of award?  Big gold belt?  5' trophy?  No?  Hmmm, what about a plaque?  No?  =(  A certificate?  Really?  Can I at least get a congratulatory pat on the back?  *sigh*  FINE!  =-p

Till the funny comes back....

Jewell  =)

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Guard dog .... extraordinare?!

I thought I would try something a little different from my norm with tonight's post.  =)  Don't you feel special my little guinea pigs?  =)  HA!

So, I got to ride around the majority of Saturday on this....  (like it was a big, huge, whopping privilege *gag*)


So that I could mow this.... (yes, this is my front yard…gorgeous until you have to mow it in 90ยบ temps with 95% humidity – muuuuurder!)


Before all of this decided to rumble it's way through for the next 3 or 4 days....


The middle of nowhere Missouri is very, very good at growing these….


So it isn’t unusual to loosen a rock as you are mowing or to discover a new one that wasn’t there a week ago.  This weekend was no different, and I worked up a good sized rock.  

So I threw it in the bucket of the tractor and kept going.  When I got done I parked the tractor like this...


Not a big deal right?  Well I didn’t think so either…

Meet Angie…


She came to live with us after the husband him decided, while on a business trip, that it would be a good thing to have a "guard dog".  Since I don't fly, she is supposed to be my guardian, my hero, my savior when the man of the house is off doing important things with important people in important places.

After a long day of mowing the husband him took me out to partake of some pizzas and then home to watch some TV.  Apparently while we were gone, the rock that had worked its way out of the ground while I was mowing became some evil predator from her point of view…


Because when we got back home, rather than paying attention to the fact that someone, anyone, had driven into the yard (and could have been preparing to ransack the house for all that we are worth), she was barking at the stupid rock like it had tried to pull her tail…

Keep in mind that this is the same guard dog that can’t protect a bone from her people, her dog house from a skunk, or her food from the Blue Jays…   *sigh*   Yeah, I’m sunk.  If I randomly disappear and don’t post for an inordinate amount of time, Angie might have been guarding again…call the cops!

She really is pathetic (and yet we love her).  In fact, she’s so pathetic that I am convinced that she was peroxide inhibited in a previous life.

Heavens help us one and all….  =)

Jewell

Friday, July 9, 2010

Oh...hallowed be thy.....stalls????

For all the good things that cell phones can do in and for this world, there is one area that I am afraid all cell phones should be banned.  I know many people think banning cell phones in movie theaters is a good idea....agreed!  I did not pay $1,000.50 to be trapped for 3 hrs with blow by blow coverage of how much bigger your ass has gotten since last weekend's BBQ. Especially when you detail the height, width, and length of said ass over and above Harry Potter's most recent run in with Voldemort. (1 and 1a)

Anywho, I digress.  Another arena most people think that cell phones should be banned is the dinner table when in a restaurant.  To the point that some higher end restaurants have actually created rules that ban the use of cell phones while seated for dinner.  Honestly, not such a bad practice in my opinion.  It was always bad enough, when I was growing up, that the salesmen would call precisely 1 second into the first bite of dinner to sell us a timeshare that is probably now a parking lot.

However, while creating campaigns to enforce these rules of common courtesy (gone awry) is a worthwhile waste of time, my campaign dollars would have to be focused on the banning of cell phones in the TOILET!

See, I am not a huge fan of public toilets in the first place.  Call it what you will paruresis , germophobia, or it could even be a little bit of parcopresis (2).  Of course, it could be just as simple as the fact that I worked in food service for a few years and one of the job requirements was to follow the public into the bathrooms and clean up after them.  (3)

So, now knowing the things that I know of public bathrooms from that side of the plunger, I opt to wait until I can get home to use my own bathroom.  It may not be the cleanest, but at least some stranger hasn't wiped their shit on the walls.

Again...*sigh* I digress...public bathrooms = no cell phones.  Ok, so I had no choice but to enter the bathroom at a local big box store on a recent shopping trip (4).  I go in, and the cacophony of sound was deafening!  Apparently I had missed the sign that was posted on the restroom door that indicated there was a "Screaming Toddler Competition" to commence in the bathroom at 4:42 pm that afternoon.

Me, enter a stall.  So far so good considering that my ability to hear the finer things in life has now been significantly compromised.  The next thing I know, in the stall next to me is a woman talking on her cell phone.  Now, I don't mean that she is talking to her mom on the phone trying to get a list of things to buy while she's at the store.  Nope. This woman is holding a full length BUSINESS conversation in the stall in the bathroom during the "Screaming Toddler Competition".  Reeeeally?  I'm not saying that this is a short, "Yeah, send the fax in my name. Gotta go." type conversation.  NO!  She sounds like she is participating in a conference call - WHAT?!

Ok, so here I am trying to ignore this craziness while I turn off my own cell phone (that no one calls), on the off chance that someone actually decides to call me at that very moment.    The next thing that I hear is, "Well, I'll catch up with you later.  I am sitting in the restroom at [the big box store] because I had to pee.  I'll call you back later when I am done shopping."

Come on!!!!  NO way!  You just told you business associates that not only are they not important enough to talk to in person, or even in peace and quiet, but that you are talking to them while peeing in
[the big box store] toilet?!        Oh!     My!     Gawd!    *bangs head on toilet stall*

So, as I am finishing up my end of this insane adventure, the next thing I hear is the noisily quiet "Click! Click! Click! Click!  [pause]  Click! Click! Click! Click!"  of this woman TEXTING!

*shakes head* 

Oh, and in case you were wondering...toddler contestant #4 was the clear winner no matter what the woman in the handicapped stall said....she was easily a 10 out of 10.


(1) - At which point I would practice waving my "wand" in your direction while thinking loudly, "Expelliarmus!"
     ------ (1a) - Yes, I am a Harry Potter geek who's sadly behind in the series!!!

(2) - Yes, those are real, and I really did take the time to look them up.  So if you are curious as to what they are, then take the time to look up the definitions yourself, you lazy wankers! =-p

(3) - The things that I have seen from that time in my life have forever scarred my psyche.....win / win for you my dear readers! =)

(4) - No, the name of the big box store is not relevant to this topic, so no matter how many wet noodles you lash me with. *purrrrrr - thank you may I have another*  You'll never get me to tell you it was Walmart.  Crap!  Well, now I'll have to kill you....*sigh* Such a shame!


May your bowels move freely, and your hearing remain sound....  =-)

Jewell


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Things that make you go ... hmmmmm

I don't tend to think of myself as the peevish sort (1).  I mean I'm still only thirty *cough* *sniffle*.  It would be a little much to assume that I've lived long enough to work peevish into my playlist.  Yet, there are some things that just irritate the CRAP out of me. (2)  Here...let me list just some of them for you:  (3)
  • Celebrities that aren't celebrities.
  • Idiot politicians
  • Celebrities that are celebrities
  • People who can't own up to their own stupidity
  • People are stupid enough to have done something to own up to
  • People who lie
  • People who protect people who lie
  • Lawyers (recovering lawyers are exempted from this list)
  • Idiot politicians
  • People who try to infringe on my life and my rights 
  • Reality shows that are not anyone's reality that I'm aware of
  • People who intentionally hurt others
  • People who intentionally hurt others who are innocent and minding their own business
  • People who intentionally hurt children (there is a special place in hell for these so the least I can do is give them their own listing)
  • Russian spies who look like Playboy models
Ok, well that should be enough to give you an idea on my thought process.  I am sure that there is more that I could add to the list, and yet I'm sure at some point I'll discover something else that can whipped out to show you.  *wink wink*

Here's something else that tends to bug the ever loving shit out of me.  Here are some numbers to bounce around in your cranium for a moment....
               Col 1                           Col 2
          $99,737,626              $65,000,000
          $52,950,356              $55,000,000
          $42,410,581              $45,000,000
          $39,000,000              $40,000,000
          $35,000,000              $40,000,000
          $34,750,000              $35,000,000
          $31,262,500              $30,000,000
          $28,937,500              $28,000,000
          $28,500,000              $28,000,000
          $27,000,000              $27,000,000

No, these are not the numbers of the lottery winnings for the last 20 years.  No, this is in no way related to the amount of debt that our government has (or hasn't) accrued over the last 20 years.  No, it's not the amount of money that I owe on my credit cards (4).

I had actually considered making this into a quiz, but it would be entirely too easy for someone to copy and paste the numbers into Google to figure out what these are attached to.  So here is the answer...
---- The numbers in Column 1 : These are the 2009 salaries for the top 10 highest paid athletes (source)
---- The numbers in Column 2 : These are the 2009 salaries for the top 10 highest paid actors (source)

It's all because of "King James" and the big hulabaloo surrounding his impending announcement that caused me to look all this up. When I start hearing that his take with the new team could be upwards of a billion in  salary, winnings, and endorsements...my blood boils.  What is he going to do with that kind of money?  Buy another house?  Buy the girlfriend(s) any number of new baubles?  Buy another car? (5) 

I think if the Queen of England (and thereby her immediate family) can take pay cuts, I think some of these people need to do the same, and the $$$$$$ that they would have earned from these teams or moving picture companies should be donated to help fix bigger problems that would benefit the lives of their fellow humans like the lovely and resilient people in the Gulf who are getting beat up again.  Or, how about helping the charities that help our military veterans, who have paid multiple prices, to allow them the chance to do what they do for such inane amounts of money.

It only seems fair to me....


(1) - Fun loving...kinda.  Compassionate...absolutely.  Bitchy....thank you, I've worked hard to cultivate that one.  Peevish - nah....not so much, but I'm working on it a little each day. =)

(2) - Ok FINE!!!  There are things out there absolutely piss me off; to the point where spitting fire is a possibility and embarrassing one of our fine sailors with the artistry of my cussing in inevitable.

(3) - Depending on the moment, the person involved, and / or the flagrance of the offense these might shift in priority so these are not listed in any particular order.

(4) - *peering over shoulder to make sure that the husband him isn't watching me type up this post*

(5) - He's 6'8"...I'm pretty sure he's already bought every vehicle known to man that he could actually fit into.


Ok, off to pay a credit card bill or 2 before the husband him knows that this has been posted   =)


Jewell

Friday, July 2, 2010

Today # 2: Gifts that keep on giving...

You know, in our hinky and wacked out world there are just some things that, in my RWW world, just seem to be gifts that keep on giving!  I mean, it seems that there are some arenas that just always are fodder, and invariably demands a RWW reaction of one extreme or another.

One is politicians.  I mean come on....  Politicians need to take classes to be politicians you know.  I don't mean that they need to go to law school, or major in poli-sci in college.  I don't mean that they need to take debate or even drama or speech related classes.  NO, some of the classes that politicians MUST attend before becoming an full fledged, hardcore, elected official are the following:
    1 - Toe Tap 101: Learn all the necessary toe tapping codes to call like-minded constituents in any situation or environment. (Special tapping styles detailed to accommodate bathroom acoustics.)
    2 - Swearing 101:  Learn key phrases like "It's a big fucking deal!" and how to properly and successfully improvise your swearing prowess in nuclear arms talks, global warming summits, and congressional oversight committees.
   3 - Winky Waving 101: Learning how to properly wave your winky to successfully lure any homo sapien outside of your marital bed.  Required for Winky Waving 102.
   4 - Winky Waving 102: Covers the basics of Winky Waving 101, but also includes the art of finesse and the art of not getting caught within 3 months of inception (or conception).

And last, but certainly not least -
   5 - Denial 101 - Denial 1,000,000,000,001: The art of denial, deflection, and transparency as clear as mud.

I almost went there today....Rod Blagojevich was going to be the fodder for tonight's beating.  I mean seriously, if you can't find constant juicy hilarity in Chicago politics as usual...well then you can't laugh at politics.

Instead another arena that invariably provides fruitful fodder...celebrities.  I love stupid celebrities almost as much as I love stupid politicians!  I ALWAYS have RWW reactions to the stupid shit that these people do and/or say.  For example, today I read this headline "Lohan punched by waitress on 24th birthday"  Without actually reading the article my first reaction, well it was actually a tie I think...
    -  Awesome!     -  About time!    and      - Someone buy that waitress a drink!  (1)

Honestly, screw the rest of the article..that headline was enough to make my weekend!  Gratuitous violence by a working stiff on the stupidly famous...Yessssss!  (2)


(1) - Actually that's what it sounded like in my head.  The sound I actually made was closer to "Awelrkeweaaw!  Hahaha!"  Complete with a high five to myself.  Yes, I know I am pathetic...  =-p

(2) - Turns out the waitress was actually pissed at the guy LiLo was out with because she (the waitress) has a thing for him...stupid waitress, and yet "thank you" for socking her!  =)

Ahhhh....in-law invasion this weekend....undoubtedly more fodder to spew at the masses!  =)

'til next time.... Yo!

Jewell  =)

Today # 1: First Things First....

Ok...this weekend being what it is lends itself to a bit of sobriety on my part (in at least one of today's posts).


I am not a conservative, I am not a liberal. I am not a democrat, I am not a republican.

What I am, and what I am proudly, without question, doubt, or reserve is a woman who loves her country devoutly and passionately.  Who, regardless of how old she gets, still weeps at the sound of a well sung anthem.  Who's heart swells at the sight of our beautiful flag flying on a bright sunny day; to me there is no more beautiful sight.  Love of my country can not be credited to politicians of any ilk.  Rather my devotion, adoration, and pride can wholeheartedly be ascribed to those, past and present, who have served and protected our country at great risk to themselves and their loved ones.


The essence of who I am can be summed up rather simply, really.  I am a an insanely proud American!  

So thank you, to all of our military, past and present.  Thank you to our military families for what they endure in the name of God and Country.

May everyone have a wonderful, and safe holiday!

Jewell  =)

Note:  The photos in this post are mine and were taken this year in Washington DC.  I took hundreds of flag photos so I am not sure where the first one actually was taken, but the second picture was taken at Arlington National Cemetary.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

I had to laugh - out loud even!

I have to admit that as of yet I don't have anything to make fun of that has slapped me upside the head and said "Write About Meeeee!"  Honestly, I have to admit to having had a pretty cool week.  As a result, what I have discovered is that having the constant urge to giggle uncontrollably does nothing to aid my sense of comedic timing or my grasp (or lack thereof) on sanity as viewed by those who live outside of my head.

So instead, I decided that I would post some things that made me really LOL during the course of today.

LOL # 1

First, this new (or at least new to me) TV commercial put out by Geico...


LOL # 2

As I might have mentioned in a previous post (like somewhere in here) there might have been a mention of me having to scan news articles for my job.  Well today was no different.  A fairly innocuous article title was found...."Man says 33 pot plants were for medicinal use"  Maybe in the grand scheme of things...not such a funny string of words, and maybe they even were true to some extent;  and yet there is this old saying that you might have heard - "A picture is worth a thousand words."  So in one of the truest examples of that saying...please feel free to rest your weary eyes on the mugshot of this medicinal mary jane "expert".....

I'm thinking that having a mugshot Monday is an awesome idea!  =)  Why waste all this awesomeness on a *job*!  =)

Decisions, decisions!  =) 

Jewell