Monday, December 27, 2010

Where did the year go??

Hey all...well Christmas is over (finally!) and the New Year is just around the corner (WTF?).

I hope everyone's holiday - regardless of how you chose to spend it, was  happy, healthy, prosperous, and that your blessings outnumbered the lumps of coal in your stockings.  *wink*

I think I am going to take this week, where work will probably slow down a little bit, and breathe.  Hey, who knows?  I might actually get some work done on my basement now that neither of us are sick anymore and the holiday insanity is over.  (Note to self:  Don't do home improvements while inebriated - baaaad, ugly, nasty, painful things could happen!)

I love you all, and hope that each and every one of you have the biggest, bestest, sloppiest, most blessed, happy, and safe New Year ever!  May your year sparkle like champagne,  may your blessings and opportunities outnumber the bubbles in your glass (or glasses), and may 2011 bring us all fantastical wonders that could shock even the most cynical of us.

Onward and Upward in 2011!!

Jewell  =)  xo

Friday, December 24, 2010

Friday Funny 12/24/10

Ok, in honor of the holiday, which is RIGHT HERE!  (Where did this year go exactly?  Could someone please tell me where it went? Because I am sure that the older I am getting the shorter the years are getting.  Fuck!)  This week's funny couldn't be passed up....  =)

May you and yours have a blessed, safe, and happy holiday (regardless of how or if you choose to celebrate).

Jewell  =)  xo

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Goofin 12/23/10

Hang in there...we are this much closer to that glass of wine, or two, or three...awwww - screw it just save me my own bottle and put a nipple or IV on it.   =)

Jewell =) xo

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas Goofin 12/22/10

Remember...laugh just a little...  =)  If you do it right people will start getting scared and might get the hell out of the way when you are doing your last minute shopping!  =)

Jewell  =)  ox

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Christmas Goofin 12/21/10

Ok, since this last week before Christmas, and things in everyone's general vicinity will probably be crazy (including me), I have just opted for posting some funny Christmas related cartoons that I've nipped from around the internetz.  Friday will be the usual funny, yet Christmas related, video. 

Not to mention, I think I might have popped a braincell on yesterday's Special Mugshot Monday post, and I'm still feeling a bit light headed.  =)  HA! 

Have a chuckle.....on me!  =)   Or at least on the artists that were smart enough, and funny enough to come up with these for me to share....  =)

So enjoy your week, but take time for a laugh!  We will all need it (and maybe a couple glasses of wine) by the time the holiday actually gets here!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, December 20, 2010

Very Special Mugshot Monday 12/20/10

Well I feel that it is my worldwide civic, nay humanitarian, duty to post this special Mugshot Monday.  I mean, this man seems to get around.  His rap sheet is lengthy, he is a severe repeat offender, and his rap sheet goes back for CENTURIES! 

Come on folks....take a good look!  If you see this man, step up and perform a citizen's arrest, we can't afford to just let these injustices continue!

He has a list of offenses that authorities refuse to talk about, and it was with great diligence, late nights, and much hard work that I managed to find many of his transgressions. I have listed them for you below.  Read them carefully, and be aware of them should you be the one to encounter this individual.

1.  His most common offense is chronic instances of Breaking & Entering.  Now, the unusual thing about his B&E is that he seems to only make entry into our humble abodes solely through our fireplace chimneys.  Strangely enough, even the houses that don't have fireplaces....he manages to get in from the roof.  Authorities have yet to figure this part out, but forensic scientists across the world are working diligently to explain these odd occurrences.

2.  He tends to use a different alias for every country.  I can't list them all here, but here are just a few....
          Santa Claus, Santa, Kris Kringle - USA, Canada
          Pere Noel - Belgium, France
          Weihnachtsmann - Germany
          Father Christmas - United Kingdom
          Ded Moroz - Russia
There are many more countries and many other names.  I'm sorry I can't list them all but I am in a rush to get this post up so that you can review it.  If your country isn't listed you can try contacting your local authorities to see if they will divulge his alias in your area, but don't expect them to be forthcoming with their information.

3.  His mode of transportation is generally by air, but he tends to also use sleighs in the more remote areas.  Please be on the lookout as his aircraft is said to have a bright red light used for a headlight.   Also, because his preferred mode of transport is by air, he's generally followed by the FAA, and meteorologists worldwide.  Knowing this, and that it is frequently broadcast widely to the public, it's unfathomable that the authorities haven't been able to catch this dastardly criminal.

4.  While authorities are unable to catch this person, there is significant photographic evidence that he has been traumatizing small children and pets, generally, for some reason, only during the winter months.  (Photographic evidence of said traumatizations below....)

When is this insanity supposed to end?  The authorities aren't doing their job nearly well enough, and, even with help from organizations and individuals in the FAA and the meteorological community, this man has yet to be caught!  If you see him, if you catch him in your home, please call the authorities.  I hear, though this is not confirmed, that he can be lured and/or bribed with milk and cookies sometime around midnight between Dec. 24th and 25th.....if you catch him proceed with caution, and good luck!!

Jewell   =) xo

Friday, December 17, 2010

Friday Funny 12/17/10

A friend of mine messaged me with a link to this video on Facebook....I laughed so hard I had to share it!!!  LOL   Enjoy!!!  =)

Have a 1st prize weekend, me lovelies!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Oh Holy Crap!!

I completely forgot to put up a post yesterday!  Holy crap!  Ok, well since I slacked off and didn't know that I slacked off I am going to combine some Media Hilarity and some Thursday Chuckles to make up for it!  =)  Tis the season for forgiveness right?  =)

Chinese archaeologists discover 2,400-year-old soup pot   Now I am a girl, so the 5 second rule isn't generally something that I partake in.  I would rather just throw whatever I've dropped into the trash and try again.  So, if you are a man, does the 5 second rule apply to 2,400 year old pot of soup if you only dug it up 5 seconds ago?  Just curious.  =)

Farmer fined for feeding marijuana to his ducks  Ok, so I've heard of mary jane infused brownies, beer, and ice cream.  But marijuana infused duck??  Either this guy is an idiot or he's a genius!!

Thief returns stolen laptop contents on USB stick  Really, if you haven't heard about this story, you need to read this.  I got warm fuzzies reading it, but then my next thought was "Only in Sweden!"  =)

So is this a fail in the type of cologne or in the alarm that was actually set off by the cologne?

See, things really aren't so different between the animal world and the human world!!!  =)

How fucking drunk do you need to be to need to have a sign telling you this???  Oh shit, please tell me the idiots eating the gum in the urinals are really, really drunk!  If they aren't they need to be put into a program to prevent them from contributing to the population!!!!   OMG!  GAG!

Have a fantastic day!!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Light! The Light! I'm Meeeelllllttttting!

Yay! There really is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel!  =)  I think after close to 2 weeks of being down and out with the cold from hell, I am finally starting to come up for cough free air!!!!  =)

It was taking so long to get over the stupid thing that I was beginning to think that sleeping propped in a sitting position sucking on cough drops and taking layers of skin off my nose every 3.5 seconds was going to be my new reality.  Thankfully, despite the ever so gracious offer of my bestest friend in the whole wide world to shoot me and put me out of my misery, I am proud to say that I finally feel a teensy little bit like an actual human and a lot less like a grub in a shit pile (not to mention looking like one too - it got ugly around these parts I'm tellin' ya!).

Now, I might have mentioned somewhere along the way that I have found it in this small, cynical, and snark-tastic heart of mine to share this wonderful experience with the husband him.  I mean really, what is sharing the rest of your life with your soul mate if not sharing some of the shit along the way!  =)  I figure the only educational gracious thing to do is to share the fatalistic wish to die while you cough your insides out because only the heavens know you'll never be able to get any damned sleep experience with him so that he can properly empathize and sympathize with the plight that I was fighting. 

The husband him is experiencing the lavish throes of what I went through, and now I'm feeling kind of bad for the poor guy.  He's coughed so much at this point he sounds like a gaggle pod of horned poisonous toads have taken up residence in his throat.  He's sucked down so much hot tea with honey (how anyone can choke down that crap poses a constant and egregious struggle of reason in my taste buds) to drown out a small nation.  Last night was the first night he was able to get some sleep without coughing up 1/2 a lung (the slacker - I was working on 1 1/2 lungs when I had it), and, instead, he ends up with heartburn that could incinerate a herd of mastodons.

Needless to say there is, literally, no rest for the weary around these parts, and I haven't seen the basement but once since the contractors left.  No, the camera wasn't in tow that time, I was wanting to make some progress.  Progress stilted by coughing and hacking, and enough mouse shit in one of the closets to make me want to curl in a ball and suck my thumb....I - HATE - MOUSE - SHIT!  It runs a close 2nd to spiders which I think is about the only thing that I hate more.  Spiders - good food for birds and mice.  Mice - excellent food for snakes.  Other than that....neither has a reason for existence in my world.  *shudder*

Anywho - now that I am starting to feel like, what I can only assume is, a normal person....I will hopefully be able to get caught up on some things around these parts.

Well, that's the update, from the lower Midwestern US of A, where the level of intolerable, unbearable, snot freezing cold clearly proves that the theory of global warming is a huge steaming pile of horse shit!  =)

Jewell   =)  xo

PS....thank you to all my lovely stalkers who regularly checked up on me and wished me a speedy recovery.  I appreciate it.....definitely more now that I am pretty well done with it, but I appreciated it then too!  =)  xoxo

Monday, December 13, 2010

Mugshot Monday 12/13/10

I took this article title with a grain of salt....  "Guy Swallows Entire Bag of Cocaine, Takes Greatest Mugshot Ever"  Greatest mugshot ever???  I don't know...some celebrity mugshots are some of the best mugshots ever!  I mean who can forget our old buddy Gary Busey or even James Brown!  Now those - CLASSIC!

So of course, always looking for people to add to the Mugshot Monday gallery of fools I had to look.  Well, I had to admit, that while not the GREATEST mugshot wasn't half bad.  =)  I'm thinking that the title pretty much explains the outcome of his mugshot!  Can we say, "Mr. Happy"?  =)

You be the judge!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Friday, December 10, 2010

Friday Funny 12/10/10

I am a sucker for animals, babies, and uncontrollable and contagious laughter.  This video had me snorting with laughter in a completely unlady-like fashion...  =)  Too funny!

Take time to laugh yourself silly this weekend!  =)

Jewell  =) ox

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Female Demerit System

Ok...normally I don't share the forwards that people send me in email.  Most I don't read, some I do and dump, but this one (sent to me by one of the husband him's chat buddies) had me laughing out loud!  =)  I had to share it, as anyone, who's in a relationship or has been, can relate to this one on some level.  =)  Enjoy!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo


The Female Demerit System

In the world of relationships, one single rule applies, make the little woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. 

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here's a handy guide to the point system:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)   
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2) And, it's all-you-can-eat night    (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called "Death Cop" (-3)
You lied, and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly, and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly, and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "So what?  You have one, too." (-8000)

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Lets face it fellas, you can't win.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Jr. is an ass jockey & I do share!

Well I couldn't decide which topic to post about or which I wanted to make the main focus of the post title so you get both!  =)  (1)

You know my parents first met the husband him when he was still the husband him to be.  They took him out for a drive in the middle of the desert to ask him his intentions with their daughter.  Despite the mafia-esque inquisition, he held up well enough to pull out the engagement ring.  It answered the question pretty solidly.  My mother though, always the smart ass pragmatist chose that moment to inform him that I grew up an only child and that I never learned to share with others.  Yeah - thanks, Mom!  =-p

Well part of this post is to inform her (should she be peering over my shoulder at the moment) that I do in fact share.  As many of you know, I've been sick for over a week now with a damned cold that just won't let go.  I finally feel like I am getting to a point where I might be getting better.  Considering I haven't been able to sleep laying flat, I have to say that I am absolutely sick and tired of sleeping propped up and sucking on cough drops so the sooner this crap is gone the better.  However, I have shared the wealth and now the husband him is sick too.  Poor guy...he's been fighting minor symptoms the entire time I've been sick, but tonight he's been knocked flat!  I hope he has an easier time of it than me!  But dammit....I shared!!!!  (2)

Now, more of the basement saga!  C and E did the majority of the electrical.  Problem is the extra light that I paid for never showed up with them on the 2 days that they were here, phone lines weren't hooked up and they didn't get to replace the rusted out outlet box.  But they moved on to install the drywall and get the first layer of mud up.  YAY!  I was down there dancing a jig when I went down to offer them something to drink.  I probably looked like a total douche dancing around with my running nose, watery eyes, and hacking cough, but dammit I was as happy as a sick body could be.

Later in the day on the 2nd day Jr showed up and wanted the bulk of the cost of the jobs...amazing how he shows up to get his sticky fingers on the money that he was in no hurry to get by taking the job.  Asshole.

On the 3rd day, it wasn't C and E that showed up, but Jr (in all his cocky fucking glory) along with R to work on the drywall.  Second layer of mud up, and they were gone.

On the 4th day (3), Jr and R showed up.  The 3rd coat of mud up on the drywall, the missing light mysteriously appeared and was put in, the rusted outlet box was replaced, the storage room lights were hooked up, and the phone lines were installed.  Jr.comes back upstairs and asks for the rest of the remaining balance, shoots the bullshit (4), and says he'll be back yesterday (Monday) so that he could do one last sanding on the drywall so it's ready for paint.

Ass jockey! 

I woke up to the fucking alarm clock again, and waited and waited and waited.....and.....waited.  No show, no courtesy call. 

I would have taken pictures but I haven't had the energy to get downstairs.  I will get them this week sometime (I hope)....

Next steps......getting anything else that creates more dirt and dust done and out of the way before the paint and carpet.  There's a lot to do:  replacing ceiling tiles in the drop down ceiling, creating a ceiling in one of the closets to keep mice out, replacing light bulbs in old light fixtures, sanding of the mud, fill and sand the existing holes on the drywall.  Once we've plowed through that I can clean up the basement and get the cat back down there, get paint chips up on the walls to see what colors might work for wall and trim, then carpet....holy shit!  It's really happening!  I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!

More pictures to come....  =)

1 - It's my blog after all...whatcha' gonna do about it?  Huh? Huh?  =-p

2 - So see...I do know how to share.  It's not my fault that the only thing that I ever feel like sharing just happens to be my colds.  =)  He should be thankful it wasn't the flu!!!!  See - there's always a silver lining if you are willing to look!  =)

3 - This is starting to sound like a sick Christmas carol of some sort or another.

4 - Quite frankly that's about all he's good at...bullshit.  He wouldn't know how to speak truth if it slapped him upside the head.  Figures if he can bury you in bullshit you will be doesn't work that way.  I am too good at reading people.... 

Have a cough and sneeze free of us needs to!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Monday, December 6, 2010

Mugshot Monday 12/6/10

You know this mugshot kind of caught my attention.  I mean come on!  When you take a mugshot with both eyes closed and it looks like both eyes need a steak on's good enough for Mugshot Monday.  Seriously though, the true laugh comes from the first line of the article.  DOH!

I don't be the judge!  =)

Jewell =)  xo

Friday, December 3, 2010

Friday Funny 12/3/10

OMG!  You know, with all the news stuff that is of a serious nature, I love it when I see that reporters have fun with their job.  This guy...hilarious!  I'm surprised his station manager let this segment air, but boy am I glad they did!  LOLOL  (And yes, I did check into whether or not this guy is a real reporter or if this was a spoof...he's a real guy and he's listed on the Fox 8 News website!  Awesome!)

Have an awesome weekend folks!  =)

Jewel  =) xo

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Thursday Chuckles - 12/2/10

This week's funny pictures!  Enjoy!  =)

But...but....but....wouldn't this be a condition you knew about BEFORE you opened for business??

I got nothing to add to just made me laugh my ass off!!!  LOL

Um...yeah, unless I'm feeling like a smart ass...pretty sure this isn't a problem.  Wait!  When am I not a smart ass??

Just too damned cute not to share!  =)

Wait.  Um.  How is this at all possible?  Wait is that a insurance investigator I see hiding behind one of the cars??  =)

Have somewhat of a chuckle today (even if it's at my expense)!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Media Hilarity - 12/1/10

Well, because I'm feeling a bit like my head has multiple vices clamped on it, I'm punting posts for another week. Ugh! Nothing worse than I hate being sick!

Anywho...enough whining...whiners irritate me, and thusly I am irritating myself...such is the conundrum that I call my life!  Sooo, this week's media hilarity.....
  • Willie Nelson arrested for drug possession  Really?  I think I am well and truly shocked by this announcement!  Can this technically be qualified as "news"?  I mean hasn't pot pretty much been a Willie staple for more years than I've been alive?  Come on!  Eeesh!
  • Pigeon hits police chopper pilot in face  Seriously people!  If terrorists, TSA, or general nudity that seems to be infiltrating the air isn't enough to keep you out of an airplane, shouldn't THIS be a reason to stay on the ground??  I'm finding more and more reasons why I am the sane one by not sane?  Whod'a thunk it!
  • Japanese Man Steals 3,000 Pairs of Panties: Can’t Find His Size?   Glad to hear that "freaky" isn't just an American weirdness.  Ummm...I think I feel comfortable in saying that this is one psyche I want to have nothing to do with!  Ewwww!
  • Attorney 'Cowboy Bob' takes on animal rape case  Yeah...I'm guessing this guy is a Gerry Spence wanna-be?  In any case, not sure that I would want THIS case to me my news making case!  "Yes, I'm the lawyer defending the horse rapist."  Yeah...somehow this just doesn't strike me as the type of "made for TV" movie case.  Is this one of those times where you can say, "Only in Alabama."?
  • Man kills wife with TV remote control  And this is the EXACT reason that I keep control of the TV remote in my house!
Have a wicked funny day!  =)

Jewell  =) xo