Wednesday, August 18, 2010

There are days!

Ya know...there are just days when I think that men (1) need to be put on their own planet.  A place that is easily accessible to those of us that may decide we would like to partake, periodically, of a man's uses. (2)

Come on!  Let's face it!  Men are just plain weird.  How is it that we are able to put up with them on a daily basis anyway?

For example, here's a bit of weirdness that I put up with as far as DH is concerned. (3)  The other day we decided it was one of those days that we weren't overly hungry for dinner and didn't feel like cooking, didn't feel like going out, and decided, rather than worry about a meal that neither of us was overly excited about, the evening was just going to be a "snack your way through till morning" type of night. 

The problem with this diabolically, ingenious plan is that, as a general rule, I try not to keep snacks in the house. (4)  So off to the grocery we go.

Now, on the occasion I do buy stuff for me to munch on, I really do try to make a conscious effort to find something that 1 - fills me up  2 - doesn't fill me out.  So, rather than reach for a bag of caramel Ghirardelli squares *drool* (5) I will make myself go to the produce section.  This is a pretty close facsimilie of what I walked out with that evening...though not exact.... (6)

So I have my fruits and vegetables in my little hand basket, turn around, and the husband him - no where to be found. (7)  So off I go trying to find the grown man that is lost in the store, probably in the gum and candy isle when he should be looking for something good to snack on that will also ward off his own great expansion. 

See, husband him tends to be, what I call, "a qualifier".  Here's how the scenario usually plays out :: 
  • He'll pick something up, like a whole freaking gallon of rocky road ice cream, as a snack.  
  • Then I will give him the "oh-you-can't-be-effin'-serious-that's-gonna-make-you-croak-and-then-I-will-have-to-figure-out-how-to-cash-in-the-life-insurance-and-become-known-as-the-crazy-bitch-down-the-street" look.  
  • Then he gives me the "everybody-already-thinks-you-are-the-crazy-ass-bitch-down-the-street" look.
  • Then I morph my look into the "bite-me" look.
  • Then he says, "What?!  It's dairy!"   <--- the qualifier!!
  • Then I *sigh* and cry quietly on my way the register
This trip to the store, though, we made it out without him thinking he was getting dairy...instead...he came out with something that looked a lot like this.....

I give up...

There has to be a planet big enough that all the men in this world could fit on it, yet be close enough that they can still be useful on an as needed basis.

Once we find it, we also need to figure out what to call it?  Uranus is taken....  Hmmmm...I'll think on that and get back to you....

(1) - The husband him in particular, but, generally, I'm not opposed to ALL men regardless of age, creed, race, height, weight, sexual preference, and so on and so get the picture.

(2) - *wiggles eyebrows in Groucho Marx fashion*  Ya get what I'm sayin' ladies?? Huh? Huh?  Yeah - me neither!

(3) - And trust me, there is plenty of weirdness to go around with THAT one!  O_O  Whew!

(4) - It's my way of trying to deny my body the opportunity to invade another planetary orbit while it continues it's mighty pre-40 expansion.

(5) - Which, I might add, sounds so flippin' good right now I'm tempted to gnaw off my own arm.  *sigh*

(6) - If there was one new thing that I learned after that trip....USA grows way better tomatoes than Canada....sorry Ron

(7) - Pretty sure that as men age they also regress to their toddler years.  You running around unchaperoned, picking up random shit throughout the store like it's going home with them...the works!! 

Grumpily sucking on a fruit smoothie....



Felinae said...

Hugs to you Jewells, thanks for making me laugh. Damn that cake looks good though!

Let's just call it Planet Testosterone. ;)


YogaSavy said...

LOL!!!! seems very familiar. My husband is from MARS!

CntryJewell said...

LOL ((FEL)) I think Planet Testosterone might be too long.... =)

YogaSavy...I think a lot of the species probably originated there! =) LOL


SciFiChick said...

Hey NO fair...My Husband IS Mars!!

CntryJewell said...

LOL @ Sci - I think his Momma was way ahead of her time! =) LOL

Jenn said...

TOOO FUNNY!! I have similar moments with my ol' fossil (his nickname) and he always Qualifies. Here I thought he was being clever...must be in the testosterone. Hmph.


If I had a blog... said...

In the words of Red Green,"I'm a man, but I can change...if I have to...I guess."

Just saying :)

CntryJewell said...

LOL @ Ron funny! I thought mine was the only qualifier! =) Thinking now I've stumbled on something and need to go on tour sharing this find! =) I am probably better looking than Dr Phil...I might could make it work! =)