Thursday, August 19, 2010

My name is Jewell - and I'm an idiot!

There really needs to be anonymous meetings for people like me.  Honest!  Some people have honest to goodness real fears of things.  Well I guess I do too since I absolutely HATE spiders the size of my foot!  *shudder*  But honestly...stupid shit is what wigs me out.

For hair length right now (at it's longest point) isn't that far from my butt.  (1)  Well, let me back up in the story a little bit.

The entire time I was growing up (2) I would get my hair done in pretty much the same style but always by the same lady and for as long as I can remember.  Now Kathy...she's a Goddess with shears.  Unfortunately she wanted nothing to do with being packed in my car with the rest of my belongings when I moved 3 hrs away to college. (3) 

After a while of not having my hair done I started to look a lot a bit like Cousin It.  The waves in It's hair were nothing compared to the cluster %#*&$  that my hair turned into when the perm started to fall out of it.  And when the perm was completely gone....flat as a board and about as attractive.  So, off to find a reputable hair stylist in another small town.  Shouldn't really that hard a of a feat you wouldn't think.  Small town, high student population...good money for someone in the hair styling profession, yeah?  *sigh*  No.  Well I don't think I should say that exactly.  I thought she did a great job.  Good perm (4), cuts looked even.  I was a happy camper.

Cut to holiday time at home.  Hair needed an update in the trim department, and Kath hadn't run for the hills the second I pulled away from the front of the building the last time we'd met.  I sit down, I jabber jaw...she stops and stares at the back of my head. (5)

     KATHY:  Why do you have a hole in your hair?

     ME:  Ummm..come again? *spinning the chair in circles trying to see the back of my head*

     KATHY: You have a huge (6) hole of missing hair in the back of your head.

     ME:  *spin, spin, spin*  FIX IT!!!  *spin, spin, spin*  FIX IT!!!!  *spin, spin, thump, wimper*

     KATHY:  *grumbling something I'm sure wasn't at all flattering and to this day hasn't been

So Kathy, Goddess of the Shears fixes the problem.  Me...never goes back to the crazy voodoo hairstyling lady again.....returns to embracing her Cousin It-ness.  Bleh!

So fast forward a gajillion years (7) to the move to the middle of nowhere Missouri.  I meat Robin.  Nice lady, recommended by the husband him as being a nice lady who listens to what you want done, doesn't talk your ear off about stupid shit, and is reasonably priced.

So I decide to go in and throw caution to the wind....I hand her a picture of a hairdo I want done.  Not one that I have ever had done before, something new....and I'm trusting a complete stranger with it.  In the end...happy.  Not only was my hair long enough that she says I can donate the extra length to Locks of Love, she handles the mailing of it herself.  When she's done she doesn't really style it the way I want, but it was easily fixed with a fresh wash and style at home.  Me = Happy, happy, happy girl.  I finally found another Goddess with the shears and discovered a new way to help someone else by donating my hair. (8)

So I decided that I would grow out my hair again for Locks of Love.  It takes a long time to actually get it to 1 - a length that they can use once it's been cut off your head but also 2 - a length that you have enough hair for the hairstylist to play with once it's been lopped off.  I have been at both points for quite some time now but now I am wigging out and being an idiot again.  Why?  Because the last time I tried to go in an get a hair cut, with the wonderful Robin, she had quit working to have another baby and stay home.  HOW DARE SHE!  The unmitigated gall.  CRAP!  *sigh*  Now I am back to looking like Cousin It (9) and no one to trust not to put a hole in my head again!

The husband him keeps offering to cut it for me.  He promises that he can get the right amount of hair cut off in one piece for Locks of Love.  Yeah - there is sooooooooooo NOT enough alcohol for such a venture.  *growl*

(1) - Actually I am aspiring Crystal Gayle of yesteryear!  No...not on!

(2) - Well, ok....if you are going to be that way about it.  My body was growing brain still hasn't caught up yet.  Bite me =-p

(3) - I don't know...she kept mumbling something over and over about kids and a husband and they needed her, and blah, blah, blah....  I couldn't really hear her that well over my foot stomping, crying, screaming, sniffling, choke-coughing, etc....I admit was a full fledged temper tantrum.  I'm not proud!

(4) - Read she didn't turn me into a burn victim with the solution that she would spray willy nilly actually hoping to hit the curlers that were sticking out of my head.  Shouldn't be hard...especially since I used to have close to 500 of them in at a time...

(5) - And not the stunned amazement of someone who's in awe of another's outstanding work!  More like the horror of someone who's witnessing an alien bursting from the inside out.

(6) - Said more like "HUUUUUUUUUUGE!"

(7) -'s a number!  I'm no math genius, but I'm figuring it's right up there with the number I don't have enough fingers and toes for that labels this country's current debt.

(8) - At this point it's a good thing because I'm pretty sure Kathy packed up her family and moved to a different country after she saw me the last time....though I don't really understand why.  *shrug*

(9) - Albeit for a good cause and all....but still!

My name is Jewell - and I'm an idiot without a hairstylist and a Cousin It complex!



Anonymous said...

Jewells...embrace your inner it. :)
I have the same problem you do, finding a good hairstylist. The one I have now is good, but my hair is not. :( It has been a week since I got it cut and it is doing some really strange things. I am so hating it right now. :(

So yeah, I am thinking I should've let it at my waist. It's going to be awhile before I cut again that's for sure.

Be one with the Cousin Itness for as long as you can!


CntryJewell said...

LOL {{{{Fel}}}}

Annie (Lady M) x said...

OMG, what are you going to do? You can't let it grow inedefinitely or you'll start tripping over it. Maybe you can contact Robin and ask her to do a bit of styling on the side?!!

CntryJewell said...

Annie...I thought about that, but she seems to not have left a forwarding number. Actually now that I think about it I'm going to start taking it personally when the hairstylists I use start randomly disappearing! =)