Frankly, this is just another form of torture for me. One of 2 things always occurs, I either shop while starving and spend a fortune on food that couldn’t make a complete meal if Emeril (4) were confronted with the grocery cart or I shop while not hungry and walk out with barely anything and a growing resentment toward the elderly.
“The elderly?”, you say. Yeah!!! I said it! Grocery shopping makes me anti-old people. Ok?? That doesn’t make me a bad person! (5)
Here’s just a snippet of my grocery shopping experiences to give you some flavor. (6)
- I go in to do some grocery shopping, grab my cart, pull out my list (7), handcuff one wrist of the husband him to the cart so he can’t wander off and so things can’t magically appear in the cart that WEREN’T ON THE LIST!
- I go down my first aisle, grab what I need, and say politely “Excuse us.” as I push past some white haired woman who’s parked her ass and her cart smack dab in the middle of the aisle, staring blankly at the shelves, list hanging limply in hand. Grab what I need and move on to the next aisle.
- Pull cart into 2nd aisle, same white haired woman, same blank look, same middle of the aisle parking spot as the aisle right before, her list is beginning to strongly resemble a shank (8). Some shock on my part that she can move so fast. Again, “Excuse us.”, this time add a smile that says “crazy how easy it is to run into each other again so soon, isn’t it?”
- Grab some things from the refrigerated section, skip an aisle or 2 because I don’t bake, pull on the husband him’s ear to yank him away from whatever thing he is trying to grab off the shelf, tighten handcuff, and start down aisle 3. SHOCKER!! SAME white haired woman, this time pushing said cart down the middle of the 3rd aisle at a pace a turtle could out run. She stops (dead center of course), turns back to look at something she passed, gets confused look on her face, shakes head, harrumphs, continues forward, stops (again!), turns around (again in the middle of the aisle), flips a bitch leaving NO room for going around her, and pushes past to shuffle by in the direction she just came from, elbows husband him out of her way, looks briefly in my direction…mumbles something incoherent. In the meantime, I start to grumble quietly about the lack of common courtesy in people and wonder quietly to myself if her eyes were an odd shade of red.
- See white haired woman in the 4th aisle I want to traverse, choose to skip that aisle and return later. Go to 5th aisle…yeah – she’s there. Planted in the middle of the aisle again. Beginning to think that she’s got some sort of time travel device in the duffle bag she calls a purse. I grumble, go back to aisle 4, and W-T-F!? There she is. Staring at me. From. The. Middle. Of. The. Aisle. I handcuff husband him’s other hand to the cart, put down my list, grab some tortillas as ammunition and start whistling like Eddie Murphy in this clip from "Delirious"
(1) – Mainly because he is alive and well. He's even kicking because the horseflies are bugging him again!
(2) – For a visual example of what a wilted dog really looks like, visit this post. I documented the poor, stinky, wilted beast recently.
(3) – It’s neither here nor there that they are always HERE rather than THERE! Oh well, at least it isn’t the neighbor’s goats roaming around in the yard with their psycho dogs in tow. *shakes head* Don’t ask – that’s another story for another day...
(4) - That would be Lagasse in case you were wondering if I shucked one husband for a newer model. For all you non-foodies out there…he’s the guy that we saw on TV a lot a few years back who's catch phrase is, “BAM!”
(5) – Well, ok, I am pretty sure it does make me a bad person on some level, but no where near bad enough that I would be taking up early residence in the apartment I already have reserved in hell. =) BTW, always looking for roommates. If you think you’ll be visiting in the hereafter, let me know, I have a lovely view of the fire pit….errrrr – a pit of fire actually! It’s quite cozy! =)
(6) – And when I say “flavor”, I mean it happens every fucking time I am in the store. An NO that is NOT an exaggeration (probably), so keep your “WHATever!”’s to yourself smarty pants!
(7) – Providing that I actually remembered said list and didn't, instead, leave it languishing on the counter to taunt me upon my return home. Don't look at me that way! If you have never been taunted by your forgotten shopping list you are living might sad and boring existence!
(8) - Not that I have a shank, own a shank, know anyone that can make a shank....ok - I'll stop saying shank now!