Monday, December 27, 2010

Where did the year go??

Hey all...well Christmas is over (finally!) and the New Year is just around the corner (WTF?).

I hope everyone's holiday - regardless of how you chose to spend it, was  happy, healthy, prosperous, and that your blessings outnumbered the lumps of coal in your stockings.  *wink*

I think I am going to take this week, where work will probably slow down a little bit, and breathe.  Hey, who knows?  I might actually get some work done on my basement now that neither of us are sick anymore and the holiday insanity is over.  (Note to self:  Don't do home improvements while inebriated - baaaad, ugly, nasty, painful things could happen!)

I love you all, and hope that each and every one of you have the biggest, bestest, sloppiest, most blessed, happy, and safe New Year ever!  May your year sparkle like champagne,  may your blessings and opportunities outnumber the bubbles in your glass (or glasses), and may 2011 bring us all fantastical wonders that could shock even the most cynical of us.

Onward and Upward in 2011!!

Jewell  =)  xo

Friday, December 24, 2010

Friday Funny 12/24/10

Ok, in honor of the holiday, which is RIGHT HERE!  (Where did this year go exactly?  Could someone please tell me where it went? Because I am sure that the older I am getting the shorter the years are getting.  Fuck!)  This week's funny couldn't be passed up....  =)

May you and yours have a blessed, safe, and happy holiday (regardless of how or if you choose to celebrate).

Jewell  =)  xo

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Goofin 12/23/10

Hang in there...we are this much closer to that glass of wine, or two, or three...awwww - screw it just save me my own bottle and put a nipple or IV on it.   =)

Jewell =) xo

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas Goofin 12/22/10

Remember...laugh just a little...  =)  If you do it right people will start getting scared and might get the hell out of the way when you are doing your last minute shopping!  =)

Jewell  =)  ox

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Christmas Goofin 12/21/10

Ok, since this last week before Christmas, and things in everyone's general vicinity will probably be crazy (including me), I have just opted for posting some funny Christmas related cartoons that I've nipped from around the internetz.  Friday will be the usual funny, yet Christmas related, video. 

Not to mention, I think I might have popped a braincell on yesterday's Special Mugshot Monday post, and I'm still feeling a bit light headed.  =)  HA! 

Have a chuckle.....on me!  =)   Or at least on the artists that were smart enough, and funny enough to come up with these for me to share....  =)

So enjoy your week, but take time for a laugh!  We will all need it (and maybe a couple glasses of wine) by the time the holiday actually gets here!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Monday, December 20, 2010

Very Special Mugshot Monday 12/20/10

Well I feel that it is my worldwide civic, nay humanitarian, duty to post this special Mugshot Monday.  I mean, this man seems to get around.  His rap sheet is lengthy, he is a severe repeat offender, and his rap sheet goes back for CENTURIES! 

Come on folks....take a good look!  If you see this man, step up and perform a citizen's arrest, we can't afford to just let these injustices continue!

He has a list of offenses that authorities refuse to talk about, and it was with great diligence, late nights, and much hard work that I managed to find many of his transgressions. I have listed them for you below.  Read them carefully, and be aware of them should you be the one to encounter this individual.

1.  His most common offense is chronic instances of Breaking & Entering.  Now, the unusual thing about his B&E is that he seems to only make entry into our humble abodes solely through our fireplace chimneys.  Strangely enough, even the houses that don't have fireplaces....he manages to get in from the roof.  Authorities have yet to figure this part out, but forensic scientists across the world are working diligently to explain these odd occurrences.

2.  He tends to use a different alias for every country.  I can't list them all here, but here are just a few....
          Santa Claus, Santa, Kris Kringle - USA, Canada
          Pere Noel - Belgium, France
          Weihnachtsmann - Germany
          Father Christmas - United Kingdom
          Ded Moroz - Russia
There are many more countries and many other names.  I'm sorry I can't list them all but I am in a rush to get this post up so that you can review it.  If your country isn't listed you can try contacting your local authorities to see if they will divulge his alias in your area, but don't expect them to be forthcoming with their information.

3.  His mode of transportation is generally by air, but he tends to also use sleighs in the more remote areas.  Please be on the lookout as his aircraft is said to have a bright red light used for a headlight.   Also, because his preferred mode of transport is by air, he's generally followed by the FAA, and meteorologists worldwide.  Knowing this, and that it is frequently broadcast widely to the public, it's unfathomable that the authorities haven't been able to catch this dastardly criminal.

4.  While authorities are unable to catch this person, there is significant photographic evidence that he has been traumatizing small children and pets, generally, for some reason, only during the winter months.  (Photographic evidence of said traumatizations below....)

When is this insanity supposed to end?  The authorities aren't doing their job nearly well enough, and, even with help from organizations and individuals in the FAA and the meteorological community, this man has yet to be caught!  If you see him, if you catch him in your home, please call the authorities.  I hear, though this is not confirmed, that he can be lured and/or bribed with milk and cookies sometime around midnight between Dec. 24th and 25th.....if you catch him proceed with caution, and good luck!!

Jewell   =) xo

Friday, December 17, 2010

Friday Funny 12/17/10

A friend of mine messaged me with a link to this video on Facebook....I laughed so hard I had to share it!!!  LOL   Enjoy!!!  =)

Have a 1st prize weekend, me lovelies!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Oh Holy Crap!!

I completely forgot to put up a post yesterday!  Holy crap!  Ok, well since I slacked off and didn't know that I slacked off I am going to combine some Media Hilarity and some Thursday Chuckles to make up for it!  =)  Tis the season for forgiveness right?  =)

Chinese archaeologists discover 2,400-year-old soup pot   Now I am a girl, so the 5 second rule isn't generally something that I partake in.  I would rather just throw whatever I've dropped into the trash and try again.  So, if you are a man, does the 5 second rule apply to 2,400 year old pot of soup if you only dug it up 5 seconds ago?  Just curious.  =)

Farmer fined for feeding marijuana to his ducks  Ok, so I've heard of mary jane infused brownies, beer, and ice cream.  But marijuana infused duck??  Either this guy is an idiot or he's a genius!!

Thief returns stolen laptop contents on USB stick  Really, if you haven't heard about this story, you need to read this.  I got warm fuzzies reading it, but then my next thought was "Only in Sweden!"  =)

So is this a fail in the type of cologne or in the alarm that was actually set off by the cologne?

See, things really aren't so different between the animal world and the human world!!!  =)

How fucking drunk do you need to be to need to have a sign telling you this???  Oh shit, please tell me the idiots eating the gum in the urinals are really, really drunk!  If they aren't they need to be put into a program to prevent them from contributing to the population!!!!   OMG!  GAG!

Have a fantastic day!!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Light! The Light! I'm Meeeelllllttttting!

Yay! There really is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel!  =)  I think after close to 2 weeks of being down and out with the cold from hell, I am finally starting to come up for cough free air!!!!  =)

It was taking so long to get over the stupid thing that I was beginning to think that sleeping propped in a sitting position sucking on cough drops and taking layers of skin off my nose every 3.5 seconds was going to be my new reality.  Thankfully, despite the ever so gracious offer of my bestest friend in the whole wide world to shoot me and put me out of my misery, I am proud to say that I finally feel a teensy little bit like an actual human and a lot less like a grub in a shit pile (not to mention looking like one too - it got ugly around these parts I'm tellin' ya!).

Now, I might have mentioned somewhere along the way that I have found it in this small, cynical, and snark-tastic heart of mine to share this wonderful experience with the husband him.  I mean really, what is sharing the rest of your life with your soul mate if not sharing some of the shit along the way!  =)  I figure the only educational gracious thing to do is to share the fatalistic wish to die while you cough your insides out because only the heavens know you'll never be able to get any damned sleep experience with him so that he can properly empathize and sympathize with the plight that I was fighting. 

The husband him is experiencing the lavish throes of what I went through, and now I'm feeling kind of bad for the poor guy.  He's coughed so much at this point he sounds like a gaggle pod of horned poisonous toads have taken up residence in his throat.  He's sucked down so much hot tea with honey (how anyone can choke down that crap poses a constant and egregious struggle of reason in my taste buds) to drown out a small nation.  Last night was the first night he was able to get some sleep without coughing up 1/2 a lung (the slacker - I was working on 1 1/2 lungs when I had it), and, instead, he ends up with heartburn that could incinerate a herd of mastodons.

Needless to say there is, literally, no rest for the weary around these parts, and I haven't seen the basement but once since the contractors left.  No, the camera wasn't in tow that time, I was wanting to make some progress.  Progress stilted by coughing and hacking, and enough mouse shit in one of the closets to make me want to curl in a ball and suck my thumb....I - HATE - MOUSE - SHIT!  It runs a close 2nd to spiders which I think is about the only thing that I hate more.  Spiders - good food for birds and mice.  Mice - excellent food for snakes.  Other than that....neither has a reason for existence in my world.  *shudder*

Anywho - now that I am starting to feel like, what I can only assume is, a normal person....I will hopefully be able to get caught up on some things around these parts.

Well, that's the update, from the lower Midwestern US of A, where the level of intolerable, unbearable, snot freezing cold clearly proves that the theory of global warming is a huge steaming pile of horse shit!  =)

Jewell   =)  xo

PS....thank you to all my lovely stalkers who regularly checked up on me and wished me a speedy recovery.  I appreciate it.....definitely more now that I am pretty well done with it, but I appreciated it then too!  =)  xoxo

Monday, December 13, 2010

Mugshot Monday 12/13/10

I took this article title with a grain of salt....  "Guy Swallows Entire Bag of Cocaine, Takes Greatest Mugshot Ever"  Greatest mugshot ever???  I don't know...some celebrity mugshots are some of the best mugshots ever!  I mean who can forget our old buddy Gary Busey or even James Brown!  Now those - CLASSIC!

So of course, always looking for people to add to the Mugshot Monday gallery of fools I had to look.  Well, I had to admit, that while not the GREATEST mugshot wasn't half bad.  =)  I'm thinking that the title pretty much explains the outcome of his mugshot!  Can we say, "Mr. Happy"?  =)

You be the judge!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo

Friday, December 10, 2010

Friday Funny 12/10/10

I am a sucker for animals, babies, and uncontrollable and contagious laughter.  This video had me snorting with laughter in a completely unlady-like fashion...  =)  Too funny!

Take time to laugh yourself silly this weekend!  =)

Jewell  =) ox

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Female Demerit System

Ok...normally I don't share the forwards that people send me in email.  Most I don't read, some I do and dump, but this one (sent to me by one of the husband him's chat buddies) had me laughing out loud!  =)  I had to share it, as anyone, who's in a relationship or has been, can relate to this one on some level.  =)  Enjoy!  =)

Jewell  =)  xo


The Female Demerit System

In the world of relationships, one single rule applies, make the little woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. 

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here's a handy guide to the point system:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)   
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2) And, it's all-you-can-eat night    (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called "Death Cop" (-3)
You lied, and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly, and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly, and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "So what?  You have one, too." (-8000)

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Lets face it fellas, you can't win.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Jr. is an ass jockey & I do share!

Well I couldn't decide which topic to post about or which I wanted to make the main focus of the post title so you get both!  =)  (1)

You know my parents first met the husband him when he was still the husband him to be.  They took him out for a drive in the middle of the desert to ask him his intentions with their daughter.  Despite the mafia-esque inquisition, he held up well enough to pull out the engagement ring.  It answered the question pretty solidly.  My mother though, always the smart ass pragmatist chose that moment to inform him that I grew up an only child and that I never learned to share with others.  Yeah - thanks, Mom!  =-p

Well part of this post is to inform her (should she be peering over my shoulder at the moment) that I do in fact share.  As many of you know, I've been sick for over a week now with a damned cold that just won't let go.  I finally feel like I am getting to a point where I might be getting better.  Considering I haven't been able to sleep laying flat, I have to say that I am absolutely sick and tired of sleeping propped up and sucking on cough drops so the sooner this crap is gone the better.  However, I have shared the wealth and now the husband him is sick too.  Poor guy...he's been fighting minor symptoms the entire time I've been sick, but tonight he's been knocked flat!  I hope he has an easier time of it than me!  But dammit....I shared!!!!  (2)

Now, more of the basement saga!  C and E did the majority of the electrical.  Problem is the extra light that I paid for never showed up with them on the 2 days that they were here, phone lines weren't hooked up and they didn't get to replace the rusted out outlet box.  But they moved on to install the drywall and get the first layer of mud up.  YAY!  I was down there dancing a jig when I went down to offer them something to drink.  I probably looked like a total douche dancing around with my running nose, watery eyes, and hacking cough, but dammit I was as happy as a sick body could be.

Later in the day on the 2nd day Jr showed up and wanted the bulk of the cost of the jobs...amazing how he shows up to get his sticky fingers on the money that he was in no hurry to get by taking the job.  Asshole.

On the 3rd day, it wasn't C and E that showed up, but Jr (in all his cocky fucking glory) along with R to work on the drywall.  Second layer of mud up, and they were gone.

On the 4th day (3), Jr and R showed up.  The 3rd coat of mud up on the drywall, the missing light mysteriously appeared and was put in, the rusted outlet box was replaced, the storage room lights were hooked up, and the phone lines were installed.  Jr.comes back upstairs and asks for the rest of the remaining balance, shoots the bullshit (4), and says he'll be back yesterday (Monday) so that he could do one last sanding on the drywall so it's ready for paint.

Ass jockey! 

I woke up to the fucking alarm clock again, and waited and waited and waited.....and.....waited.  No show, no courtesy call. 

I would have taken pictures but I haven't had the energy to get downstairs.  I will get them this week sometime (I hope)....

Next steps......getting anything else that creates more dirt and dust done and out of the way before the paint and carpet.  There's a lot to do:  replacing ceiling tiles in the drop down ceiling, creating a ceiling in one of the closets to keep mice out, replacing light bulbs in old light fixtures, sanding of the mud, fill and sand the existing holes on the drywall.  Once we've plowed through that I can clean up the basement and get the cat back down there, get paint chips up on the walls to see what colors might work for wall and trim, then carpet....holy shit!  It's really happening!  I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!

More pictures to come....  =)

1 - It's my blog after all...whatcha' gonna do about it?  Huh? Huh?  =-p

2 - So see...I do know how to share.  It's not my fault that the only thing that I ever feel like sharing just happens to be my colds.  =)  He should be thankful it wasn't the flu!!!!  See - there's always a silver lining if you are willing to look!  =)

3 - This is starting to sound like a sick Christmas carol of some sort or another.

4 - Quite frankly that's about all he's good at...bullshit.  He wouldn't know how to speak truth if it slapped him upside the head.  Figures if he can bury you in bullshit you will be doesn't work that way.  I am too good at reading people.... 

Have a cough and sneeze free of us needs to!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Monday, December 6, 2010

Mugshot Monday 12/6/10

You know this mugshot kind of caught my attention.  I mean come on!  When you take a mugshot with both eyes closed and it looks like both eyes need a steak on's good enough for Mugshot Monday.  Seriously though, the true laugh comes from the first line of the article.  DOH!

I don't be the judge!  =)

Jewell =)  xo

Friday, December 3, 2010

Friday Funny 12/3/10

OMG!  You know, with all the news stuff that is of a serious nature, I love it when I see that reporters have fun with their job.  This guy...hilarious!  I'm surprised his station manager let this segment air, but boy am I glad they did!  LOLOL  (And yes, I did check into whether or not this guy is a real reporter or if this was a spoof...he's a real guy and he's listed on the Fox 8 News website!  Awesome!)

Have an awesome weekend folks!  =)

Jewel  =) xo

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Thursday Chuckles - 12/2/10

This week's funny pictures!  Enjoy!  =)

But...but....but....wouldn't this be a condition you knew about BEFORE you opened for business??

I got nothing to add to just made me laugh my ass off!!!  LOL

Um...yeah, unless I'm feeling like a smart ass...pretty sure this isn't a problem.  Wait!  When am I not a smart ass??

Just too damned cute not to share!  =)

Wait.  Um.  How is this at all possible?  Wait is that a insurance investigator I see hiding behind one of the cars??  =)

Have somewhat of a chuckle today (even if it's at my expense)!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Media Hilarity - 12/1/10

Well, because I'm feeling a bit like my head has multiple vices clamped on it, I'm punting posts for another week. Ugh! Nothing worse than I hate being sick!

Anywho...enough whining...whiners irritate me, and thusly I am irritating myself...such is the conundrum that I call my life!  Sooo, this week's media hilarity.....
  • Willie Nelson arrested for drug possession  Really?  I think I am well and truly shocked by this announcement!  Can this technically be qualified as "news"?  I mean hasn't pot pretty much been a Willie staple for more years than I've been alive?  Come on!  Eeesh!
  • Pigeon hits police chopper pilot in face  Seriously people!  If terrorists, TSA, or general nudity that seems to be infiltrating the air isn't enough to keep you out of an airplane, shouldn't THIS be a reason to stay on the ground??  I'm finding more and more reasons why I am the sane one by not sane?  Whod'a thunk it!
  • Japanese Man Steals 3,000 Pairs of Panties: Can’t Find His Size?   Glad to hear that "freaky" isn't just an American weirdness.  Ummm...I think I feel comfortable in saying that this is one psyche I want to have nothing to do with!  Ewwww!
  • Attorney 'Cowboy Bob' takes on animal rape case  Yeah...I'm guessing this guy is a Gerry Spence wanna-be?  In any case, not sure that I would want THIS case to me my news making case!  "Yes, I'm the lawyer defending the horse rapist."  Yeah...somehow this just doesn't strike me as the type of "made for TV" movie case.  Is this one of those times where you can say, "Only in Alabama."?
  • Man kills wife with TV remote control  And this is the EXACT reason that I keep control of the TV remote in my house!
Have a wicked funny day!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I hate mornings!

I am not a morning person!  In fact, I've never been able to appreciate a morning in more years than I have fingers and toes.  I believe that all alarm clocks should be removed the production.  I feel that any work before 11am by me, or anyone else, should be against the law and all violators tarred, feathered, and hung in a public square.  Waking me up in the morning before the sun even hits the horizon, could easily earn you broken bones, bloody lips, swollen eyes, and, if male, a loss of your family jewels.  Have I mentioned I am not a morning person?

Mornings like last Wednesday, when the electricians were supposed to arrive to finally get my electrical in order in the basement, are a perfect argument for my philosophy of sleeping until 11am.  Why?  Because this is what I woke up to at 7am Wednesday morning....

Bloody hell...picture perfect day for crawling back in bed and snuggling with the cats!!

One of my all time favorite time wasters is to look at 2 pictures and pick out the differences between them.  So because I'm sick, my operational brain cells are clogged up by snot, I'll let you guys look at some pictures and see if you can find the differences. (Please excuse the's all the husband him's fault.)

Ok, so if you noticed....THE ELECTRICIANS SHOWED UP!  Waaaaaaahhhh-hoooooooo!  =)
Now, Jr. did show up (about 9am after Sr had said probably 8am), with C, but he also brought E.  Call me stoked...the work was going to get done.  However, we ordered another light to be put in the drop down ceiling...Jr. forgot to stop by Sr's house to pick it up.  At one point in the afternoon, I noticed that Jr. had disappeared from the scene.  So I cornered C to asked him if he had left to go get the light.  Um....not so much.  "No, he had to go finish a siding job in (insert town about 20 mins from my house here) and he said if he got done in time he would swing by his dad's to get it and drop it off."  Can we say....Jr. is a little bitch.  Ugh!  

Upside...Jr. didn't have dick to do with my electricity (whew!), but he also didn't stick around to make "it" right.  So that light still needs to be done.  Phone boxes still need to be hooked up.  Next step?  Drywall! (hence the blocks between the studs in the walls that weren't there in the before pictures.

As for the ass chewing I was going to give Jr. about whether or not he will do the didn't happen (dammit!!!).  The wind gets taken out of my sails when I can't see straight because I was awake at some stupid hour of the morning, but more wind was taken out when the husband him came downstairs and preemptively asked him for himself.  Shit!  Do you think he was trying to keep me out of jail or keep Jr. out of the hospital??  I haven't been able to decide which.

You should also notice that husband him took the ass ugly wallpaper that was on the one wall of the basement for me.  Here's another before after for your viewing pleasure....

However, while I was more thankful than words could ever express to see that horrible stuff off the wall, there was a bit of bad news that we weren't aware of....  Apparently the original owners had a water problem on the wall which leaked over to the outlet between the doors, and this is what husband him discovered once he removed the wallpaper....

Yep....that's an outlet box that has more than it's fair share of rust in it!  Ick!  So when Sr. called me this weekend I gave him a heads up that we are going to want that replaced.  Last thing that I need to happen is for me to take a huge shock one day when I plug in the vacuum cleaner or something.


More before and afters once it's done...or maybe I'll wait till I get some paint up.  I don't know.  But dammit...I might have all the shit, that is currently strewn about my house, back in it's place by Christmas!  In the geniusness of my friend Annie....Huzzar!!  At least I think that's what I mean.  See, Annie tends to speak a different language than me.  Don't get me wrong, she's of the British persuasion, and normally you wouldn't think that there is a language barrier, but there are times I'm absolutely stumped by what she says.  =)  So, I *think* that "Huzzar!" might mean something along the lines of "Woo-hoo!"  "Yippee!"  "Hot Diggity!", but then again it could also mean "Bitch!" or maybe even "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"  I really don't have any freaking clue, but damned if I'm not excited!!!!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Monday, November 29, 2010

Mugshot Monday 11/29/2010

Ok, so you know Mugshot Mondays are for those mugshots that are, generally, amusing to me in some form or fashion.  Sometimes, those mugshots are only made more chuckle worthy based on what the person was arrested and booked for.

This guy....well this guy....well.....all I could really come up with as far as commentary for this guy's mugshot was..."Damn!" and "Holy Cow!" and "Damn!"   Those are about the only ones that came up when I saw this guys mugshot.  Kudos for him to still be smiling in one of them.....?  Sheesh!  (It's really quite rare for me to be stunned enough to be tongue tied...this one though - this one did it for me.)

It just seems wrong on some level to say, "You be the judge!"....but......

Jewell  =)  ox

Friday, November 26, 2010

Friday Funny 11/26/10

You know...I am a really, really crappy sleeper.  One of the cats breathes too loudly and it's wakes me up.

The husband him...probably could manage to snooze through something as minor as a tornado or bomb blast.  However, no matter how hard he sleeps...pretty sure even he would wake up in these sorts of conditions.  Too funny and waaay too cute not to share!

Have a fantastic weekend recovering from over indulgence and over spending!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thursday Chuckles - 11/25/10

I know...I know!  Y'all are waiting with baited breath to hear how things are going/have gone/didn't go with the electricians in the basement (1) yesterday.  Well you will just need to hang on a little longer.  I will work something up over the weekend.  Right after I have eaten myself into another pants size, and while I sit around the house avoiding Black Friday Locusts Shoppers like a venereal disease.

In the meantime...this week's chuckles.... =)

I'll see you one latte, and raise you a grumpy sweetheart.  You got nuthin' on me!

Hmmm - Ok.  Makes sense.  Wait!  What?  Presumptuous energy types.
Who do they think they are telling me I'm not allowed to drown!  Oy!

Yeah...pretty much. Go get 'em kitty!  That skirt makes your ass look fat!

Seriously?  I'm not sure I've ever been drunk enough to warrant kissing a fish while I'm swimming.
Maybe it's just me.

Ummm...Mommy's grumpy, ass whoopin' quotient to hit tilt in 3.....2......

(1) - Hmmm...that, suspiciously, has the makings of a really F level horror flick!  On the might make an A grade niche porn flick.  Don't ask how my brain mother tried for years to figure out where I went wrong....she never figgered it out, but that might have something to do with the fact that her mind was pretty warped too.  =)  I'm well and truly convinced it's a hereditary thing....  =)

Great and safe weekend folks!  Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!  I'm very truly grateful and blessed by all of you!

Jewell =) xo

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Time Sensitive…Must Share….Must….Share

Well, I suppose I should preface this post with the following:  If you haven’t read the posts about my ongoing battle with the electricians to get the electricity in my basement/office/storage/exercise oasis (1) where it belongs you might want to start with this post and this post for a little background.

If you are cool like that (2), and already know about the basement problems then this is the latest installment.

We did (3) finally get a quote.  However, it only came after Sr. decided to come out and scope out the work for himself.  Make notes, mark wall studs for where the electrical boxes needed to be dropped down, where lights needed to be moved, etc.  But….we……got…..the……quote.  Leave it to Sr., who really knows the value of loyal customers, to make sure that shit gets done.  He called the husband him, gave him the numbers.  Husband him called me, I said let’s do it.  Thing is, we got swamped and didn’t call right away, but when we did the husband him talked to Jr. again.  CRAP-tastic!
Jr. said fine, we’ll call in a couple days to set up a time, but because of other jobs we should be able to get started in a couple of weeks.  Friday last?  Yeah – the 2 week point and no word one way or another about when or if they were going to bother.

Because I did grow up in a small town, I know and have respect for local business people as a general rule.  If I find someone that is good, reliable, and honest (even if their prices are a little on the high end) I will give them my business regularly.  Loyalty in business is a wonderful thing.  The husband him and I have been lucky to have those sorts of relationships with our companies over the years, and I know that we appreciate it.

So, because of this, I have always been a strong advocate for getting electrical work done by Sr. because he’s reliable and honest (if a bit on the pricey side), and he has always made time for us regardless of last minute work or the size of the job.  He values the loyalty of a customer….he….GETS…..IT! 

Jr.?  He’s an ass wad....with 3 ft. thorns.

So, last Monday I told the husband him that I would be the one to call Sr. on Friday (the 2 week mark when they were supposed to be STARTING) to find out what the fuck was going on.  Friday rolls around.  Still, no phone call from anyone to set up a time.  So, I wait until about 4pm Friday and call Sr. myself.  I was calm (relatively), but straightforward and honest.  I basically told him, in no uncertain terms, that I was pissed and it shouldn’t take 3 months to get someone out here to do the work.  I told him I understood it was a small job, but if they didn’t want the work that was fine to let me know – I could find someone else.

Poor Sr.  He’s set himself up at the bottom of the hill in a hammock and he’s getting piled with shit.  Apparently Jr. has done this same thing to others (Wha??? Yeah, I know....SHOCKER!) and Sr.’s getting the fall out.  He apologized up and down profusely, explained that he was trying to give the business to Jr. (4), blah, blah, blah, “if you don’t hear from Jr. or I tomorrow, call me and I’ll make sure that the job gets done one way or another.”

Saturday rolls on in, and rolls on, and rolls on, and………my cell rings about 8pm, “Jr. will be there with C. on Wednesday morning early to get the work done.”

Oooooooooook….do I really want Jr. in my house doing my electrical after all the bullshit he’s put us through?  Not likely alone.  Luckily he’ll have someone else with him to do it.  On the upside, I’ll have a witness when I lay into Jr. to find out if he has any plans AT ALL to do the drywall that he promised to do.  If he’s not going to do it that’s fine.  At this point, I could give a flying aerobatic bat shit if he doesn’t.  With the economy the way it is, I’m POSITIVE that I can find someone who would be more than happy to come in and do the work for me.

I was very calm and collected, yet stern, with Sr. out of respect for him and all the times that he’s bent over backward to fit us in, regardless of how small the job was.  I have no intention of being nearly as kind to his thorny ass wad of a son.  (5)

Then again, the way things have gone thusly, I wouldn’t be the slightest bit surprised if I craned my ass out of bed at 7am Wednesday and he didn’t bother to show up at all.  That would just about fit.

(1) – Oasis….HA!  More like eventual torture chamber!

(2) – Or if you are just plain cool, are feeling generous this holiday season and feel like taking a wayward, snarky bitch in as a friend then you need to send me an email.  Like NOW!  I need me some cool in my life.  =)

(3) – Miracles of all miracles….I mean truly, after almost 3 months of trying to get them to drag their asses out here to do my freaking basement you would think that this would rank high on some archbishop’s list of miracles to make me a saint.  Right?

(4) – Oh boy – save Middle of Nowhere Missouri…he’s going to run all his dad’s hard work right into the ground.  Too bad Sr. never bothered to teach his kid the value of good business.

(5) – There is a loyal viewer out there, somewhere, that has some bank that can be used for my bail right??  *echo*  Right?

Excuse me while I go outside and warm up my war path...pretty sure I'll be needing it in the near future.  =)

Jewell =) xo

Monday, November 22, 2010

Mugshot Monday 11/22/10

Holy Moly Folks!  Can you believe that I've managed to come up with 100 posts full of bullshit to one varying degree or another!  WOW!  Partaaaaaaaaaaay!  =)

Ok - enough of that....on to the real reason y'all are here....  =)

So this guy...I can't decide if somehow his ancestors got a little freaky with a perverted herd of walrus, or if he really is a walrus in man's clothing.  *shrug*

You be the judge!  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Friday, November 19, 2010

Friday Funny 11/19/10

Holy shit...this cat has got some massive balls!  LOLOL  Too Funny!

Have an awesome weekend everyone!

Jewell =) xo

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Media Hilarity - 11/17/2010

It's been a bit since we had a media hilarity post, I thought I would throw one together because there are chuckles to be shared!  =)
And the true topper to this fine list of insanity goes to........................

Jewell  =) xo

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

So much to write about & so little time

DAMN!  You ever have one of those weeks were you have tons of shit to spit at people and no time to put things together for those people to read?  Yeah - that would be me!  Ok, so off to the top of my knobby head here are topics that are jumping and screaming around my head to call first dibs into blogger....
  1. An update about the whole eye surgery thing
  2. My new BFF
  3. The basement saga continues
  4. I got mugged in my truck this past weekend
  5. An ex-wife with balls whose size is matched only by those of a Blue Whale (1)
  6. A general fluff piece with pics that I've big deal but something I've been meaning to do

So why am I not getting any of them put down for the posterity of the ages?

Because my house is full of CRAP!  (2)

See my lovely mom....

Yes folks....that really is mom and I...circa 1996
(aka - the era when my hair was permed and could be trained to do SOMETHING to look respectable)
...crossed over on my wedding anniversary in 2007.  Well, my father has since gone and gotten married this past summer, and he's sold my childhood home to one of my new step-sisters *insert eye roll here at all jokes regarding fairy tales and step sisters I'm allowing to evaporate into the ether*.  The result of which is a fresh influx of mom's stuff, her mom's stuff, and stuff of mine that I'd long forgotten had been packed away - a.k.a. CRAP!

I have plastic tubs and cardboard boxes coming out my bloomin' ears (3).  To top it of my all time favorite not to mention sickest viewing pleasures is the TV show Hoarders.  Firstly because, on a normal day when my house is in it's usual pig sty condition, it makes me feel better that my particular, yet unique, brand of shitty housekeeping is ALWAYS going to be better than some of the houses that I see on that show.  =)

However, since my house hasn't looked as good as it's usual pig sty condition since the basement got tore up and mom passed, watching Hoarders makes me want to cry when I look at the piles of stuff crawling and clinging to every available surface.

However, while my eyeballs are working remarkably well in the grand scheme of things, the whole tearing up process....still not quite up to, instead of indulging myself in a self absorbed fit of temper tantrums at the clutter, the mess, the piles of stuff that inevitably evolve into getting referred to as "shit" the longer it sits around and out of it's place, I've been trying diligently to plow through boxes and tubs.  Problem is, while I am making progress, it really doesn't LOOK like I'm making progress. (4)  While there is stuff that I either don't want anymore, or can't keep because I don't have room for it, that stuff is still relegated to boxes so that they can be sold on Ebay (5).  If I can't or don't want to keep something, I'm sure that there is someone out there that would be happy to take it off my hands and enjoy it.  (6)

I would say..."Calgon, take me away"....but I'm sure someone out in the wild blue yonder would only hear the "take me away" part and I'd end up fitted with a snazzy, yet form fitting new jacket and my very own bouncy castle.  *sigh*  

1 - The largest mammal on earth doncha know?  Still trying to work out if the ex-wife could actually be classified as a mammal though.

2 - I say that in the most loving and yet exhausted manner ever uttered by a daughter and granddaughter.

3 - Which is quite painful I assure you!

4 - Don't you just HATE it when that happens??

5 - Still not sure when I'll find time to do THAT!  Of course, should Porky Pig go sailing past my window sporting a fancy, shiny, new pair of wings I should likely take it as a sign! 

6 - Thus, possibly insuring that the show Hoarders stays on TV...who knows! 
Climbing Mount Crap To Resume.....whenever I get around to it!  =)

Jewell =) xo 

Monday, November 15, 2010

Mugshot Monday 11/15/10 I'm really not so sure what's up with this chick.  I can't really decide if :
  1. The booking officer told her a joke
  2. She's just now realizing that she's been busted
  3. She's expecting someone to tell her she's been "punk'd"
  4. If one of her cohorts in the sting is behind her tickling her
  5. Or if she's "tickling" herself  *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

You be the judge....  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Friday, November 12, 2010

Friday Funny 11/12/10

Ok...I really admire people who have the patience to teach dogs tricks...(1)   This little guy is a hoot, and handy to have around apparently!  LOL  =)

(1) - Probably why my lovely, loving Angie is such an epic failure in her guard dog duties!!  LOL

Trick out your weekend!  =)

Jewell =) xo

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Thursday Chuckles - 11/11/10

Have a rockin' Thursday....cuz I'm gonna be up to my eyeballs in work related bullshit!  =)  *snicker*

Smile while you work  =)

Jewell  =) xo

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I Wish You Enough....

You know, normally I try to post funny or rant worthy material.  However, I saw this posted on my friend Felinae's blog the other day, and it touched me so deeply I felt inspired to share it!

I hope you all enjoy this as much as I did! <3


Recently I overheard a Father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the Father said, 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'

The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.'

They kissed and the daughter left. The Father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'

'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?'..

'I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' he said.

'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?'

He began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone...' He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them..' Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.
  • I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
  • I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
  • I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
  • I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
  • I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
  • I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
  • I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
He then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life to forget them.

* Only if you wish, send this to the people you will never forget and remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you. If you don't send it to anyone it may mean that you are in such a hurry that you have forgotten your friends.


To all my friends and loved ones, I WISH YOU ENOUGH.

Jewell  =) xo